Good afternoon! Welcome to the First Annual Pride of Detroit Mock Elections. I will be your host Mavyrk. I want to thank all of our voters and nominees for being such good sports, and congratulate our winners on being some of the best on Pride of Detroit!
I hope we all had a lot of fun, and let us all collectively pray that this will lead to a lot of hilarity, controversy, and grudge-matches for decades to come.
The Joe Namath Award
When we think of funny and football, many things come to mind: Joe Namath being drunk on the sidelines comes to mind, as does Jake Delhomme's reaction to a hug from special friend Ndamukong Suh. Eli's sourpuss is sure to be a perennial favorite, and the ever-present "F-k it, I'm going deep," jokes or "Al Davis has been dead since 1996" one liners will always be hailed as comic genius.
When we think of funny and Pride of Detroit, voters have spoken: JazzyBBP and IAmGross come to mind. Jazzy and IAG have been cut-ups since they joined Pride of Detroit in February 2009 and August 2009, respectively, and are sure to have something witty and fun to say. Congratulations guys, you earned it.
The runner-up of this award will be receiving the "Damarcus Faggins" award. When you can't be the funniest, you may as well have the funniest name. Congratulations, Wayne Fontes and CLF, for being honored as the second-funniest duo on the site.
The Jon Kitna Award
Who can forget the fateful day early in 2007 when Jon Kitna predicted 10 wins at the minimum for the Detroit Lion's 2007 season? After a 6-2 start early in 2007, Detroit managed to spend the last 8 weeks of its season by going 1-7, ensuring them last in the division and earning Jon Kitna stripes for being... well, ridiculous.
The immortal bronzed bust of Jon Kitna will be going to ralphgoblue. A little sad at times, but always entertaining and exciting, ralphgoblue takes the cake for cat-lady crazy predictions. Congratulations, ralph. You may be missing a couple marbles, but you're one of us, and we love you for it.
The Rex Ryan runner-up award for coming just short of being nuts will be shared amongst the rest of the Pride of Detroit fanbase. Because we're all a little crazy, and you know everyone who says they thought that we'd have 2 wins by now is a liar. You're a Lions fan, so you're guaranteed to be two things: an alcoholic, and a raving loon.
The Jenn Sterger Award
Controversy is never far away from Jenn Sterger. Whether it's arguments about whether or not her annoyingly, impossibly round fake breasts are attractive, or the current "was she coming on to Brett Favre?" controversy, it's undeniable that Jenn Sterger is making a name for herself, whether for good or bad.
But that doesn't mean the girl doesn't take a good picture! She is a girl, and she's a football fan, and she's been relatively nude in magazines. Those are some good credentials.
The Jenn Sterger award for providing fine and constant pictures goes to... CLF! Thanks to you CLF, we will never be short of a hilarious pictures for any subject at hand. You provide a service to your community and without your GIF Godliness, we would be hard-pressed to find someone to make fun of people with the perfect picture at the right time, or add a little much needed levity when business gets too serious. Congratulations on earning this, you deserve it.
The undeniable runner up in this category goes to Profiler. Thanks to you, Profiler, every game day thread's opening comments have nothing to do with football... and we love it that way. Keep doing your good work, and I am pleased to pronounce the Charissa Thompson award in your honor.
The Roger Goodell Award
No one likes authority, and (unfortunately?) the leading authority in football is Roger Goodell. As the commissioner, it is his duty to be serious, and grumpy, in the face of anything that would be perceived as giving football a bad name. Accredited with... well, every suspension since he became commissioner, and with a pedigree riddled with hypocrisy and questionable judgement, Roger Goodell is certainly sure to rain on someone's parade very soon in the future.
It is my pleasure to announce our very own Joshsun as the recipient of the Roger Goodell award of excellence in being a Debbie Downer. We hate you, yet we love you, and we definitely love to hate you. It's not so much that you're wrong, we just don't wanna hear it! But at any rate, you are definitely on ours minds.
Coming in second place, departed rbanner receives the Rachel Dratch award for not being quite as good at raining on everybody's parade. When you can't make people sad for real, you might as well do it on television to hilarious ends.
The Ndamukong Suh Award
What can we say about Ndamukong Suh that isn't nice? With most NFL big-men, it's usually your wisest policy to be nice to them so they don't hurt you. Ndamukong Suh is the kind of guy you'd genuinely want to hang out with. We love to watch his fierce attitude on the field, and his sweet-as-a-teddy-bear attitude off the field. Suh love da kids!
It's official, Hyperion Ecta is the nicest guy on the planet. Not only is he a Lions fan from down under, but he's so tooth-achingly nice that his niceties transmit well even over the emotionless internet. When a guy can make a candy-a... err, "hard-ass" like KDawg get choked up just by voting for him, you know Hyperion Ecta gets mad respect from the populace at whole. Keep it up Hyperion, you're a great friend to all of us.
Evilsmurf gets the runner-up nod in this category, and receives the Tim Tebow award as praise. While he is generally a nice person, he doesn't manage to pull it off in such a way as to inspire such a land-slide victory as Hyperion has managed. Congrats Evilsmurf, you're not the nicest, but you're still pretty nice.
The Domininc Raiola Award
Hot-tempered Dominic Raiola, known for his ferocity on and off the field, is widely regarded as one of the dirtiest offensive lineman in the current NFL. He plays with such a chip on his shoulder that it's easy to overlook the fact that he's smaller than I am; but even being a mean jerk, he's always there for his friends. Who can't remember the time Raiola had it out with some fans because they were heckling Stafford in 2009? All of you guys down on Stafford should heed that warning well, because Raiola will have to smack a...
I am happy to say the Dominic Raiola award will be heading to the breadbasket of our country, where LionsinIowa will receive the award for not so much being the meanest and rudest, but most consistently fitting the description "not the nicest guy."
The runner-up in this category will be receiving the Conrad Dobler award for his ascerbic wit and often cranky prose. Congratulations IAmGross. You aren't the most un-nice fan, but you're a far cry from the nicest.
The Tim Toone Award
Well, I don't know anything about Tim Toone. That's really obvious. But, he's new! He's the most recently drafted player in the league, so that's something. Anyways, on with the announcement.
The winner for this category is a tie between two awesome (if I do say so myself) people. Mikeyclaw and I share the honor for best new-comer, and I am very happy share this honor with him. When I added up the totals, I was pleased and surprised to find myself at the top here. It is truly humbling to be regarded well for this, and I want to tell everyone that I appreciate being welcomed into your family here at the Pride. From the bottom of my heart, thank you guys so much.
I am very happy to praise Joshsun, who receives the Ryan Succop award for third-best-newest, for his contributions to the site. Joshsun has made an immediate impact since joining, and I know we all see good things for him in the future.
The Brett Favre Award
What can we say about Brett Favre? Womanizing, old, good. Lots of things can be used to describe this man, but you better rest assured that any topic of conversation on Brett Favre is probably going to turn into an argument. Whether its questions about the moral rectitude of sexting, whether or not Brett Favre could lick even Chad Pennington's boots, his interception records, his consecutive starts record at the cost of team success, his screwing over the Jets and Green Bay... I could keep going, but I think that about sums up the point I was making.
For ensuring every issue is a hot button issue, Joshsun wins the award for most likely to start something. Don't start no stuff, won't be no stuff... until Joshsun gets there! Thanks Joshsun for providing constant fun (and aggravation) to all of us who enjoy a good, stimulating conversation into the wee hours of the morning.
The long-shot second best in this category goes to DrewsLions, recipient of the Kevin Jones Award. Like fight club, you don't talk about KSmoove, and we won't have problems, mmkay? Despite receiving far less votes, DrewsLions is definitely the second-most likely person to start things.
The Jerry Rice Award
Jerry Rice is the undisputed best player in his position, all-time, of people "in the know." He also easily ranks in the shortlist of anyone's best players ever, regardless of position. Holding more records than Arista, Jerry Rice is the single most dominant player to have ever played in the wide receiver position; when you come up against him, he's gonna beat you if you don't have help.
When you think about guys who are gonna finish what someone else started, the voters have spoken and DrewsLions is that guy. Always thoughtful and calculated, yet decidedly passionate about his team, DrewsLions is gonna have the last word whether you like it or not, and he'll start an argument just to make sure you know he's good at finishing that argument.
The recipient of the Randy Moss award for excellence in winning the 1-on-1 matchups, yet not being the best, goes to Evilsmurf. If Evilsmurf is in on the conversation, he will batter you with textblocks to make your momma cry, and he'll probably be right about it every step of the way.
The Jason Hanson Award
Jason Hanson holds the record for most field goals of 50+ yards, as well as ties for first for most 50+ yarders in a single season. To this day, at the ripe old age of 40, he's still knocking the long ball through the uprights. A permanent fixture of the current Detroit Lions eras, Jason Hanson and "old-timer" run hand in hand. Regardless of his age, anyone who doesn't have love for #4 and still calls themselves a Lions fan doesn't have a soul.
These posters may not be the oldest people on Pride of Detroit, but they're definitely the most senior on the ladder. It is my great pleasure to give the Jason Hanson award to be shared between Sean Yuille and DrewsLions. Congratulation guys, you've definitely earned your spots as the best old guys we've got.
The honorable mention, as well as George Blanda award, will go to Jettero2112, NorthLeft12, and CLF, in the award ceremony's first three-way tie. You guys have all made your mark here, and it's obvious at least a couple of us consider you A) old, and B) awesome. Congrats, guys.
The Drew Stanton Award
If you can't be a starting quarterback in the NFL on gameday, then there's nothing wrong with just being a quarterback. Drew Stanton has been long heralded as the best and worst backup QB the Lions have, paradoxically. He is a paradigm of everything awesome and yet terrible about Detroit Lions football at the same time, and the recipient of this award most certainly fits that bill.
Joshsun receives his second award by being regarded as the best day-after quarterback in the league. Congratulations Joshsun. If St. Martin ever goes by the wayside, I know at least a few of us will make sure we let WCF know you're around.
DrewsLions and the Profiler were narrowly beaten out for second place. Congratulations are due to Delusional for being the recipient of the Patrick Ramsey award.
The Terrell Owens Award
When it comes to making a point, Terrell Owens is pretty good at it. He just got a touchdown, and he will let you know about it. Whether he's annoying or hilarious is not the point. The main point is: Terrell Owens will take more time celebrating a play than the play actually took, and he will spend more time shooting reality TV than lighting up highlight reels... and that's saying a lot, because he does end up on a lot of highlight reels.
The award for the person most likely to dwarf anyone's original posts goes to Evilsmurf. Evilsmurf won this award by such a landslide margin, not only did he get the most votes of anyone across the board, but also the most votes for individual category, and the largest margin of victory. It just goes to show you, when Evilsmurf shows up, he shows up big.
But that's nothing against our runner up. Evilsmurf's running mate in this category was KDawg, and KDawg did pull in a respectable number of votes for his textblocks of doom. It's nothing against KDawg that he didn't win this category, and he all deserves our respect. If he doesn't get that respect, you better expect several paragraphs about it. Congratulations KDawg for winning the Chad Johnson award for coming up just short of Terrell Owen's antics, and coming up just short of Evilsmurf's.
The Green Bay Packers Award
One of the oldest franchises in NFL history, the Green Bay Packers hold the record for most NFL championships, including tying themselves for the only franchise to get three straight wins. They had the first dynasty, arguably the best dynasty, and there is literally no comparison that can be made to the most decorated and consistent franchise in NFL history. Through their first 26 years, they only fielded one team that didn't break 0.500 or better. They as well only fielded one losing team during the entire Brett Favre era, matching the success of their first 'era' with the success of the last.
The Green Bay Packers Award for excellence in consistent recurring-format blog, I am happy to announce, goes to "On Paper", by simscity. "On Paper" is a week-in, week-out favorite amongst blog readers on POD, and are always sure to be fair, objective, and relatively correct. Congratulations are due to simscity for his excellent writing and research. Keep up the good work.
The runner-up in this category didn't put up quite as many votes, but there's no doubt "Weekend Spotlight" by KDawg is one of the best recurring posts we have, hands down. It is my pleasure to give KDawg the Dallas Cowboys award for second-best recurring blog. Thank you for your dedication, KDawg, you give all of us something to strive for.
The Jim Schwartz Award
Jim Schwartz is on the coaching tree of Bill Belicheck and the incomparable Bill Parcels by extension. Leaving his defensive coordinator job for the Tennessee Titans, Jim Schwartz took on the Head Coaching job for the Detroit Lions last year while being regarded by many people as one of the smartest NFL coaches in the league. Jim is an Economics degree holder, and has many honors in the smarts world, if not yet the football world. He's a great judge of personnel, and knows the facts and stats better than almost anyone in the NFL.
The Jim Schwartz award for poster most likely to make corrections goes to Sean Yuille. Sean Yuille may not comment that often, but when he does he's almost always on the ball, and pointing out some flaw in logic, bringing a calm head to discussions with unwavering stoicism. My hat goes off to you Sean, you are one logical SOB.
There are three recipients of the runner-up award in this category. Evilsmurf, KDawg, and nr4y4: I am happy to congratulate you all on your ability to rectify misconceptions and lies alike. As the recipient of the Gym Shorts award, I gladly present you with this pair of six-legged gym shorts. May these smarty pants keep you warm in your shared successes.
The Roy E. Williams Award
Roy E. Williams - super genius. More than one comparison can be made between Roy and Wile E. Coyote, including the propensity to set themselves up for a big fall. But there is one point where the two differ drastically. Wile E. Coyote is notoriously silent in all but a few appearances. In stark contrast, Roy Williams is painfully and undoubtedly a little too long-winded.
Evilsmurf is honored again for verbosity, in receiving the Roy E. Williams award. While I'm sure he knows what the word "brevity" means, it is no doubt that he has a hard time applying this foreign concept. Who else but Evilsmurf can be totally serious when he says, "I'll try and be brief," and then goes on to post a thousand words? Classic. Congratulations, you've earned it.
There was a time when our runner-up was in a locked-in tie for this award with Evilsmurf. Evilsmurf managed some last minute votes that put him over the top in the polls, and I'm sure the recipient of the runner-up is all too happy to know he isn't accredited with being the most long-winded on POD. Congratulations, KDawg, you've earned the Tony Dungy award, and the adoration of millions of fans who have no choice but to take all of your splendid, huge paragraphs in.
The Spartan Award
Before Detroit, there was Portsmouth, Ohio. Before the Lions, there were the Spartans. Bought and moved to Detroit in the 30s, the Portsmouth Spartans survived the Great Depression that saw so many teams fold, survived the World War II that saw many teams fold, survived a second-in-the-league longest championship drought, survived 0-16, and survived losing one of the greatest of all time. Barely, but they survived.
The award for biggest diehard, I am happy to announce, goes to a fan who has no reason to be a fan. From down under, Hyperion Ecta has made blue and silver the place to be, and has earned the respect of his peers in being named Pride of Detroit's biggest diehard. Congratulations on your second win, Hyperion. you are truly a blessed fan, but not nearly so blessed as we who are in your company.
The Roary Award for second biggest diehard goes to KDawg. Just like Roary, KDawg shows a commitment to the team that, while perhaps not escaping death as long as the Portsmouth Spartans have, shows real heart. KDawg, you are a diehard, and I tip my hat to thee.
The Peyton Manning Award
We all know Peyton's pedigree. He's a phenominal, cerebral player, is arguably one of the best to ever play his position, arguably the most valuable player to any team, ever, and is essentially doing the job of an offensive coordinator every day. Peyton Manning is the man you want fighting in the trenches for the majority of the time, and you would be hard pressed to find a player you want to lead your team during regular season games than Peyton Manning.
The person who most consistently comments with excellence, as voted on by our peers, is Evilsmurf. In one of the most highly contested categories, Evilsmurf wins his third first place award on the day, and is the recipient of six awards total. Congratulations, Evilsmurf, and I truly mean that. We all think very highly of you.
In such a large crowd of second-placers for this category, one poster stands out. Despite only beating all other candidates (minus Smurf) by a margin of 1-2 votes, KDawg got the well deserved nod and is the recipient of the Vinny Testaverde award.
The Tom Brady Award
Only sixteen quarterbacks have started in more than 10 playoff games. Many greats are on that list -- Brett Favre, John Elway, Joe Montana, Peyton Manning, Dan Marino, Roger Staubach, Troy Aikman, Steve Young, and others. And then there's Tom Brady. Winning 3 Super Bowls in four years, and holding the highest percentage win/loss record among these starting QBs, Tom Brady is the quarterback that many people, myself included, would count on Tom Brady to lead a playoff team to the Super Bowl in the modern era.
The Tom Brady award is going to be awarded to the blogger who, most consistently, sets the bar for excellence when making original posts. That guy, is Sean Yuille. Game threads, breaking news, roster reports, injury reports, post-win analysis, post-loss analysis... this guy does it all. I think I speak for all of us when I say not only does Sean Yuille win this one, but he deserves to win it. When all else fails in Detroit Lions football, Sean Yuille is the rock left unbroken.
The shining pebble sitting next to Sean Yuille in the cataclysm that Detroit Lions fandom can be, is ChicoWong. Voted second best in a category where only four people were nominated, ChicoWong earns the Doug Williams award by a slim margin over Evilsmurf, and for good reason. If you need proof, go ahead and look at the most popular fanposts of all time on Pride of Detroit - he started three of the top four. Congratulations Chico, accept this award with our thanks.
The Sean Yuille Award
Sean Yuille is the creator of Pride of Detroit. Watching Thanksgiving games was what started his fandom, his favorite Lion is Barry, and he hates Matt Millen just as much as anyone else does. Sean Yuille is a veritable deity in this blog, and it's no surprise that the Sean Yuille Award goes to, amazingly, him. Congratulations, Sean, for living up to the things you do. You are our Most Valuable Poster, by a wide margin, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for this website that's brought me so much recent joy.
The runner-up, and truly the only other poster in the running for this award, is DrewsLions. So it is with great pleasure that I give him his due as well, and award the DrewsLions award to... well, DrewsLions. I have praised you heavily in this post, so let me just finalize that with one thing. Thank you.
The Buffalo Bills Award
I planned to create a 20th award that would be based on the results of the voting, and this is the award. The Buffalo Bills, notoriously, went to four Super Bowls in four years, and lost them all. They were the 2nd best team in the league, four times in a row. Not losers, but winners.
KDawg has won four second place awards, but has failed to win a first string award in this election. This is not a mockery, but a praising. KDawg is very highly regarded all-around, and this is a fact he should be happy to know. I am happy to announce KDawg as the recipient of the Buffalo Bills award for coming second in the votes, but very near the top in fandom.
Well, there you have it, guys. Our inaugural mock election was a resounding success, I know I had a lot of fun doing it, and I hope you guys have had a lot of fun as well. Remember to congratulate your winners, and winners please feel free to write an acceptance speech! Try to take it easy on us, Evilsmurf. :)
If you liked this post, if you liked the election in general, please give this a rec so everyone can share in your enjoyment. Thank you again to everyone who participated, and I want to give one last congrats to everyone who was nominated for anything, let alone won. This is a blog of stars. While some stars may burn hotter than others, some are bigger, some are smaller, some are bright, and some are dull, this is a blog of stars I tell you. This blog wouldn't be what it is without everyone who contributes to make this such a great place to be and talk sports at.
Fun Fact: "As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything." - George Carlin