The NFL Draft, Decoded

So I'm flying back to Detroit from vacation last weekend and happened to pickup a copy of The Mens Journal to read on the airplane.  There's a pretty decent article about Robert Downey, Jr in the April edition, so I'd be remissed if I didn't mention that.  What the April copy of TMJ also had, however, was a great tongue-in-cheek article by Matt Taibbi, called "The NFL Draft, Decoded."  I highly recommend checking it out.  Here's a high-level preview of his 6 Rules to the Draft:

Rule 1. Dope Smokers are a bargain

Guys with drinking problems or who throw cell phones at their girlfriends' heads or get pulled over driving 110 with loaded unregistered pistols in their glove boxes are bad bets.  Guys who just stay at home and smoke weed while giggling at Manswers are not.  Thus: Always draft the guy who falls in draft position due to a positive weed test.  In fact, if a guy is regularly smoking weed and he's still kicking ass in Division I football, grab that motherf*cker quick.

He went on to claim Randy Moss as Percy Harvin as prospects who've fallen in the Draft due to positive drug tests.  And also that it takes 3 positive drug tests before a player will get banished from the league, which provides more than enough time for that player to serve out an initial 4-5 year contract.  Sorry, no mention of Charles Rogers in his argument, however.

Rule 2. Steer clear of the Recently Arrested

Did your target player punch out some poor unsuspecting bespectacled sociology major in a bar his freshman year?  Fine - that's just the delightful puppy phase!  But if the full-grown dog is still biting a week before the Westminster Kennel Club show, put him down.

Rule 3. Take a chance on Small

Taibbi lists Darren Sproles, Clinton Portis, Maurice Jones-Drew, Leon Washington and Chris Johnson all as guys who were red-flagged coming out of college due to their smaller stature.  He mentioned, however, to only grab that player if he possesses legitimate monster speed (sub-4.4 times).

Rule 4. Don't sleep on the Samoans

According to Taibbi, Samoan defensive players are consistently underdrafted.  He then adds that:

When you're done picking up angry Samoans in the early rounds, then start scouting for goofy-looking-but-useful white wide receivers in rounds three and beyond.

Rule 5. Be kind to fat Tight Ends

Taibbi mentions Jason Peters and Matt Lepsis as former college Tight Ends turned Pro-Bowl Offensive Tackles.  Charles Brown, a Left Tackle from USC and one of the players who visited the Lions HQ in Allen Park, was a former Tight End for the Trojans.  Maybe Martin Mayhew has a subscription to The Men's Journal?

Rule 6. Take a flyer on a late-round QB every year

Here's the thing about quarterbacks: You just don't know. Any coach who tries to tell you that he knew this or that late-round college quarterback was going to be an NFL star is a f*cking liar.  If you saw Tom Brady at the 2000 combine workout, you'd have thought he was auditioning for a role in a musical about gay milkmen.

Taibbi then goes on to mention Kurt Warner, Matt Cassell and Rich Gannon as late-round / undrafted prospects who made it big.  He also finishes Rule 6 with a gem of a quote:

Do like Bill Parcells does and use your high-round picks for real men: left tackles and pass rushers.

Outstanding.