FanPost

Akeem Ayers Scouting Report

 

As the months wind down toward the NFL Draft and I'm continuing to highlight sleepers for the Lions, let me take a break to shine the spotlight on the lock for our 13th pick.

More after the jump.

Akeemayers_medium

via turbo.inquisitr.com

BIO -

Akeem "The Dream" Ayers is the second coming of the Messiah, whose birth was heralded by the fish in the sea, the birds in the air, and the Chuck Norris on the land. It is said that on the date of his birth, the sky opened up into the maw of heaven itself and bathed all witnesses in Holy Light that he who shall save us from pedestrian, mediocre football was borne into us all.

As a toddler, he blew Usain Bolt away in the 100 meter. As an adolescent in grade school, he deftly dunked on Michael Jordan and Dikembe Mutombo simultaenously. Come high school, he was already pursuing lofty hobbies in rocket science and neural medicine. That is, while he wasn't banging Meghan Fox and Scarlet Johansson (in a threesome, of course) on the set of Jeopardy, while beating Watson and Ken Jennings and dividing by zero during commercials.

STRENGTHS -

His lateral agility is unprecedented. Reports claim he has literally been seen in two places at once.

He has an uncanny knack for getting at the QB. Even when asked to drop into coverage, he still can record a sack from twenty yards away.

The strength of his upper body is absurd. He sheds blocks with the flick of his wrist, and has no trouble reaching even the loftiest of air balls.

Shuts down entire halves of the playing field at a time, there is a gaping void of all football action around him. "Elite" does not even begin to describe his ability to cover.

Is well versed in playing center, quarterback, fullback, cornerback, punter, and coach on top of his ability to be a linebacker.

WEAKNESSES -

Regularly takes plays off and plays at half speed, to make the game more fair.

Will destroy the concept of parity in the NFL when he gets drafted.

Can't play 11 positions at a time.

Shows some stiffness in the hips due to det32 being attached to his nuts.

Doesn't play special teams. The last coach that asked him to play punt return coverage vanished and was never heard from again.

FINAL THOUGHTS -

This kid is everything you could ever ask for in a linebacker, and more. Comparisons to Lawrence Taylor are commonplace, but offend Ayers because Ayers is so much better than that guy. Despite his dominance in all aspects of the game, reports are confident that he'll be there at the 13th pick, because he has threatened to murder every team that attempts to pick him other than Detroit, for sheer love of our football club.

You'd have to be crazy not to select this player with the 13th pick, Canton is already enshrining him into the pro football Hall of Fame.

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Pride Of Detroit or its writers.

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