(This has been a long time coming, sorry)
Cue scary music intro: Odd sounding voice: More than 50 people per day in each state get a severe punishment from. the. LAW. Bum bum bum! The drunk tank. A police officer in Detroit will take a few middle schoolers to see the bad people who break laws. Most of these citizens come from Detroit, Michigan, and thrive off of their beloved Lions. But during the offseason, how do they spend their time? Drinking. Beer. And when they drink their beer, you might find them sticking their genitalia in peanut butter, because they're f*****g nuts. YEEEAAAAHHHH.
Today kids, we see the adverse effects of alcohol on quite a few individuals, mostly Lions fans. This offseason has been slow for them, you see, because of their cap issues. So what do they do, kids? They do things that are MILDLY ILLEGAL! Gasp. They get really, really, really, REALLY drunk. In just a few seconds, we will enter the drunk tank, where we will see many of said Lions fans. Ready kids?
Ah, yes, the first one we see is Sean Yuille of course. What have you got to say for yourself?
Sean: "Guys, I swear I'm not drunk. If I was drunk, could I do THIS?" Pulls out iPad and makes 4 different posts about the Lions, all containing very important information that Lions fans need to know in 5 minutes. "Like seriously guy, if I'm drunk, it's strictly off of Lions' news."
Narrator: "Well, nothing to see there I guess...let's move on. Looks like we got this bro-man-dude Joshsun over here, let's see what he's up to."
Joshsun: burps. already talking... "and then I was all like, OK DUDE, YOU'RE RIGHT...MAYBE I COULDN'T SACK 23 QB'S IN A ROW"...BURP. "BUT, COME ON DUDE, AVRIL SHOULD BE DOING THAT. I MEAN, A PUPPY COULD DO THAT SHIT ON THIS D-LINE. OOOOhhhhh, puppies! I WANT MY FUCKING PUPPY BACK, OCIFFER! Shit I'm loud..."
CLF sit in corner with a sly smile. Joshsun continues to talk. "NOW, OK, OK, I GET THE FACT THAT MAYHEW LIKES AVRIL, BUT COME ON!" CLF picks up pictures, starts flinging them at Joshsun. " IF WE CAN GET A SIMPLE TRADE FROM...DUDE, CLF, stop it. I'm trying to talk here." CLF continues to throw pictures. Joshsun: "DUDE, FUCKING STOP IT! RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!" A fight immediately breaks out.
Narrator: "Well that was scary, wasn't it kids?" Kids are huddled in a corner. Jazzy BBP softly humming and rocking back and forth in the opposite corner does not help matters.
Mavyrk: "Come on Ofcicfer"... places hands on officer's shoulders. Officer: "NO TOUCHING! (Arrested Development style) Mav: "Alright dude, my bad. Just wanted to esplain myself...guess this isn't a free county huh? HUH!?" Tries to take a knee to see kids. Falls on face. "This is what happens when you drink too much beer!" Points to stomach while still on his face. KDawg cries softly.
Officer: "That guy is a mess. Moving on, kids! Here's Simscity
Simscity: Picking out colors for his series, On Paper. "I. CAN'T. FUCKING. DECIDE. ON. A. COLOR!!!!"
Officer: "Nope, we're not even going there right now. Onto Latif"
Latif: "What the hell do you want? I'm just a regular, level-headed guy. I don't agree or disagree on why I'm here. I can see both sides, I'm not going to argue...unless I need to."
JCruize: "I agree...to a point."
Officer: "Well that's kind of infuriating." Kid 1: "Please sir, I don't wanna see anyone else, this is too scary. We all promise to never drink in our lives!" Officer: "NO! This is the best part of my job! You'll listen to every. single. one!"
Every kid is crying. One kid sees Profiler trying to touch Lionsgal in inappropriate places. They both laugh sinisterly. It scares everyone. Literally. Everyone. Like, even The Officer is kinda freaked out. It gets worse when Enforcer joins in. Devil's threesomes don't really happen except in porn. Profiler: "HEARD THAT!! HAHAHA" A funny smell starts to creep throughout the jail. Everyone starts sniffing, something smells very good.
Officer: "What the hell is that? Nate D., what the hell? How did you get that joint in here?"
Nate: "HAHA bitches, I smuggled a joint into this joint. Fuck the government."
Kid 2: "PLEASE sir, we really wanna go now...We hate this place.
Officer: "Shut up! WE ARE SEEING AS MANY AS POSSIBLE IN THE ALLOTTED TIME!"
Leonuro: "Hey guy, calm down a bit. Wanna here a joke? I don't care, I'm telling it anyway. So yesterday, before I was arrested, I was at the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu." Collective groan. Suddenly, a scream from a couple of the kids rattle the walls of the jail.
Wayne Fontes: "GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING CHANGE, KID! THIS IS FOR THE CIGAR FUND YOU LITTLE SHIT!"
Officer: "WAYNE! Stop it! Step away from the kids..."
Wayne: "Sorry, but this cigar fund is running low. Nobody even contributes anything anymore." Begins to cry. Loudly.
Evilsmurf & Tufflynx: "Will you shut the hell up Wayne? We're trying to do our podcast here!" Wayne: "But you're drunk, dumb asses... Evil: "That's what you think....muahahhaha"
Officer: "Alright kids, we've got a few more to see then you can go home and cry to your parents. Whose up next?"
Omaha Sun: "Uh, I've been kind of wondering why I'm even here...I'm not drunk, and I'm not a Lions fan."
Delusional: "NOT A LIONS FAN!?!?!?! AND YOU'RE IN MY JAIL?! Punches Omaha in the face. Officer struggles to contain this drunken man. Eventually puts handcuffs on him. Delusional tries to headbutt Omaha in the face but falls on his. This causes a laugh from the kids.
Delusional: "YOU FUCKERS LAUGHING AT ME?!??! Charges at the kids but falls again. Eventually gives up when ATLion, Rames, UndaDawg, and Billysimsmademedo grab each of his arms and legs. One or two of the kids are peeing their pants. Meanwhile, Det32 and kwfords are having an argument.
Det32: "in jsut syign, ei rlley weikr hrda fr m jbo and soeitmes ijjst ndeeda beearre two clam m dwno."
kwfords: "i fweo ffwo fosaawo birpq oijboiw noeig oijfno."
YpsilantiJeff: "Wow, those two are hard to understand when they're drunk huh?"
Officer: "Well kids, I hope you learned a lesson here today. Don't. Ever. Drink. Or maybe don't be a Lions fan. Either way, this should have scared the shit out of you.
Kid 3: Still pissing his pants, crying. "Are we finally going home?" sniff...Wipes boogers on officer.
Officer: "Yeah, you little pussy, we're going home. Anyone wanna taser Raphiegoblue before we leave? Wait...where the hell is he?"
Raphie is seen pooping in the middle of the cell. Hyperion, who oddly was not present in the cell, bails all of them out.
Disclaimer: Please read with sarcasm. This was done in fun. I tried to get everyone in, but failed. Add yours in if you like.