Scene: Large room with plain white walls. One chair and one couch, both black, with a small table in the middle and a desk off to the left. The small table holds a clipboard, some paper and pen, and a pile of shit wherein lies the Detroit Lions 2012 season. Fatheads of Jim Schwartz, Cliff Avril, and Suh have been torn in half and pissed on. Titus Young's fathead is still in place, used as a door mat. Angelface sits down on the chair as the therapist with Tobias Funke providing analysis of the therapy; his analrapist. Hundreds of Lions fans sit outside of the room, some sobbing, some shooting themselves in the foot (as taught by Jim Schwartz), and still others resorting to using hard drugs. The first to walk into the therapy room is none other than Sean Yuille.
Sean: "Hi, angelface, hello Tobias."
Angelface, Tobias: "Hello Sean. How are you?"
Sean: "Well angelface, not awesome. As you may or may not know, the Lions had quite the shitty season. Many of us predicted a slight regression, but not like this. Not losing 10 games so far by 10 points or less. Not losing 5-6 of those either in the last second or last drive. Not having all of this locker room drama and "anonymous GM's and teammates" popping up left and right telling us that our best players suck. Not continuously losing games while Jesus(Megatron) broke the receiving record. Not Titus Young being a buttmuncher. Not some people mentioning on my website that Mike Martz should run the offense next year. Just...not like this. Not this regression. Not....no....n...."
Sean begins to cry. He checks his twitter.
Sean: (Through sniffles, tweeting out loud) "Just finished my rant with a licensed analrapist about the #Lions. Don't feel much better though. #YOLO #AchyBreakyHeart #TheSeasonHasBeenMalek'd"
"Here's what I've got to say to you, Lions."
Tobias: "Well Sean, thanks for your time and the tweet. See, us therapists don't really do anything so you can just leave now. I've got an audition for 'police officer #8' coming up soon so I've gotta leave anyway."
Angelface: "Please send in the next sad Lions fan, Sean."
In walks Tufflynx
Angelface: "Hello, Tufflynx, go ahead and start your rant."
Tufflynx: "Well, I won't make this too long. You've got about a hundred other people out there wanting to come in and blow a load....of steam off. One of them includes Joshsun, and we all know how long-winded he can be. (A hearty laugh occurs for a few seconds) Anyhoo lady, I'll get strait to the point. This team is the worst. Usually I'm this cool, calm, and collective guy but recently this season has brought out my wrath. I'm really just out of new things to say about this abomination of a team. Screw it, I'm gonna hit up a strip club with Profiler. Although last time he was with Lionsgal and they were just playing grab ass the whole time....and it was in his house....and it was just porn on the computer really...oh boy....I've said too much. I'm going to go make some Jack Daniels disappear. Into my mouth. By drinking it. And I'm rambling. Again! Bye."
Tuffy walks out feeling worse than he did going in. He calls his brother, Evilsmurf. They talk for hours and decide to make an autotune Jim Schwartz quote song. Evilsmurf plays it for the therapist, who really doesn't know what is going on at all.
Evilsmurf: (playing the song) "He's made some good plays for us, we're a few plays away, just a few plays away. Last year was a good year, a good year. Just a few plays away, a few plays away. Our players are terrible"
Angelface: "Please just get the next guy."
Tuff and Evil meander their way out of the room and look around.
Tuff: "Hey, Josh, you're up next. Go on in."
Joshsun gets up and starts to go inside the room. At that moment, DrewsLions gets up and starts to walk in as well.
Josh: "Dreeewwwwuhhhh! That's not faaiiirrr! It's MY TURN!"
Drew: "Put on your big boy pants, Joshua James Sun. Sometimes you have to share. Even if it's the same football team that you like"
Josh and Drew enter the room at the same time pushing and shoving like brothers. Josh tries to tattle on Drew. Drew whines about Josh's whining. Things start to get out of hand.
Angelface: "Ok, uh, gentlemen? That's enough. Get over yourselves and talk ONE AT A TIME. Drew, you go first."
Josh: "But he ALWAYS gets to go first!"
Well here I go. I don't really want to see Schwartz gone yet..."
Josh interrupts: "Fanboy!" (snickers to himself)
Angelface: "Fuck off, Josh." (this quiets Josh for a bit)
Drew: "As I was saying, before I was interrupted by that little gloom and doom king over there was that I don't think Schwartz should be fired after this season, however dismal it was. See, this isn't all on the coach, but.... (Drew's voice begins to fall off, at least to Josh, and all he hears from Drew is...) Sunshine! Happy thoughts! Fanboy! That's me! Puppies!"
Josh: "See! I knew you can't think of a single reason why the Lions shouldn't fire Schwartz! HAHA! I WIN AGAIN!"
At this inopportune moment, a Texans fan enters the room, looking moderately drunk off of the NFL. He sees the two Lions fans in the therapy room and begins to talk about the Thanksgiving day game win* and the play that never happened. He rehashes how close the Lions were but that his Texans were just that much better. At this point Both Josh and Drew stop their incessant bickering.
Josh&Drew (at the same time): "Dude, get the fuck out of here before I kick your ass."
The dumbass Texans fan realizes his mistake, as you certainly don't fuck with Lions fans after a season such as this. At this moment, Josh and Drew come to a realization that, in fact, they are both fans of the same team. Marvin Gaye's "Let's get it on" starts to play in the background and a fireplace appears out of nowhere. Josh and Drew find wine glasses filled with Franzia in their hands. They both reach for each others empty hand and skip out of the room with glee.
Delusional sees this debauchery unfold in front of him but does not concede defeat. He immediately tries to pick a fight with the next people he sees, which, unfortunately for them is YPJeff, JCruize, and BillySims. Delusional tries to give Jeff a wedgie but to his disgust grabs a handfull of bare-ass, as Jeff is going commando.
Delusional: "WTF, JEFF! Why don't you have any underwear on?!"
Jeff: "Well, Del, I've decided that if the Lions are going to fuck me every week, I figured that I'd make it easier on them if my panties were off. Just doing my part"
Delusional chalks this one up as a loss and moves on to JCruize, who is reading a draft prospect book. He decides to go safe and give Cruize a "Wet Willie Young." Unfortunately for Del, he doesn't realize that a Willie Young is not a safe bet, and he will only disappoint you after a huge preseason and so many expectations. Anyway, as he inserts his finger into Cruize's ear, he finds out that his ear is filled with earwax. Like, tons of it.
Delusional: "Dude, Cruize, why in the hell is your ear filled with so much earwax?"
Cruize: (Not hearing so well and talking in a very loud voice) "YOU MAY BE WONDERING WHY MY EAR IS SO FILLED WITH EARWAX! I GOT SO FUCKING TIRED OF JIM SCHWARTZ SAYING THE SAME THING AFTER EVERY GAME THAT I DECIDED, HEY, IF I DON'T WASH MY EARS OUT, I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HEAR HIM ANYMORE! AND IT WORKED A LITTLE BIT! PLUS, NOW I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO THOSE DAMN VIKINGS AND REDSKINS FANS AT ALL!"
Delusional moves on to BillySims. Trying to pick a fight with him, Del decides to try and deceive the man.
Delusional: "Hey, Billy! Did you know if you say the word "gullible" out loud very slowly for awhile, it begins to sound like "oranges" ?"
Billy: "Well, Del, this season has taught me not to really believe what others tell me. So, pardon me if I don't really try to sound it out right now. I mean, everyone was telling me that we'd be ok this year, maybe a game to two worse, but it was all a lie....ALL A LIE I TELL YOU!"
Feeling defeated, Delusional crawls back to his seat to save his strength just in case Martin Mayhew shows up. Meanwhile, Latif, Leo, Undadawg, and Jeremy are having a shouting match before they go into the rehab, excuse me, therapy session. The four are clearly inebriated.
Jeremy: "I'm smart! I'm level-headed! I like donuts! WHY ARE THE LIONS DOING THIS TO ME!?! I DROVE TO ARIZONA TO SEE THEM GET RAPED BY A TEAM THAT LOST 59-0 THE WEEK BEFORE BY A TEAM THAT WE BEAT EARLIER IN THE SEASON!!! It's just...I just...heh. heheh. hahhah. hahahahahah!"
Jeremy temporarily goes insane after Nick Harris punts a ball for 31 yards, even though Nick Harris is not playing football. Seriously. Nick Harris is just doing that to piss people off now.
Leo: "You know guys, I think this Lions season is really along the lines of that one move, "Drive." Have you all seen it? It's quite fantastic. I mean, Ryan Gosling should have won 3-4 oscars for his performance alone...Sometimes I can't stop talking about Gosling and how great he is. Anyway, the first 5 or 6 games of the season we all had somethings to complain about, but at least we were still in playoff contention. Like Drive, in the first 30-40 minutes of the movie, I had some minor complaints, but I knew things would eventually get better. Alas, as the season and movie progressed, things just got out of hand quickly."
Undadawg: "Oh Leo, we all know how much you like Drive. Tone it down a bit though, buddy. Although come to think of it, if you held a gun to my head and asked me who was the greatest actor of this time period, it would have to be Ryan Gosling."
Leo: "I'VE BEEN SAYING THAT FOR FOREVER! If only that idiot BHC would agree with me..."
Latif: "Will you both shut the hell up? I've got a massive headache and I'm trying to study for finals before I have to rant about the GD Lions."
Leo and Undagawg do not shut up, in fact, they continue gushing about how wonderful "Drive" was. We hear BillySims in the background slowly and rather loudly saying the word gullible. Things are getting out of control fast. Nate D. is half seen in the corner eating snacks and assembling a vaporizer. Facetiously is seen wearing a "2-14" sign with much shame. Mavyrk is slowly disappearing. Davis is literally giving everyone high fives and handshakes. Eddie Apoc is trying to hide that he is watching a Denver Broncos game on his iPhone, but proves futile as he is later seen crying and shaking in a corner, screaming something incoherent about Manning and Stafford and the playoffs. Meanwhile, Incantrix glides into the therapy room. He is wearing a black trench coat, hair slicked back, listening to Simple Plan on his mp3 player because iPods are too mainstream. He sits down.
Angelface: "Well finally someone else comes in. How are you, Incantrix?"
Incantrix: "I am incapable of finding happiness. Schwartz has drained all of my energy. All I have left is my mp3 player and some Fall Out Boy records at my condo. That is my life."
Suddenly, a lightbulb goes out in the therapy room. It is very dark.
Leo: "Hey guys! How many Detroit Lions does it take to change a lightbulb?"
A collective groan is let out.
Leo: What? A lightbulb is out? Blame someone! Fast!"
Even though a hearty but sad laugh is heard throughout, the place is still dark. Incantrix walks out of the room with a sly grin on his face. It seems that he has summoned Matthew Malek out of POD grave. Suddenly, the room is filled with opinionated fanposts and irresponsible drivel. There is so much boasting, whining, and commenting that all of the words turn into a ear-splitting screech. Atvman, Cram, and KevinZ try to come to the rescue, but they only seem to increase Malek's abilities! CLF comes soaring in with nonsensical pictures and .gifs to try and slow Malek's wrath but it is not enough. POD begins to work as a team to push this ghost out of the therapy session. Wayne Fontes is seen lighting up a cigar, but Malek takes it away and starts to blow smoke up his own ass! Hyperion comes in late and begins to push the ghost of Malek away with help from the rest of POD. It finally works.
Sean: "Well guys, let's hope we don't see him again anytime soon. Suppress him from your memory."
POD realizes that they CAN work together, and everyone gives hugs all around.
(Yes, this story ends on a good note. Deal with it.)
If you haven't read one of these or don't know any better, this was done in fun. I tried to get everyone in, but failed. Add your therapy session in the comments if you like.