Bar time: 7:00 pm
NFL Calendar: Early January (End of Bowl season)
We arrive at the bar, ready to start a new night of trying to get a little something. Sure, we haven't scored since the 1950s, but we did have a hot girlfriend in the 90s and got to second base with Erica Kramer that one time. We scan the place to start looking for potential hookups and grab that first drink -- a scotch on the rocks.
Bar time: 9:00 pm
NFL Calendar: Early March (Scouting Combine)
By now, most of the gang has arrived. We've had a couple of drinks and told all the usual bad jokes, played a little Keno and trivia, and maybe a game of pool or two. It's time to roam around the room and check out what the ladies have to offer. We casually note their measurements, their temperament, and maybe their chug time in the 40 ounce. The potential picks get a quick conversation and our version of the Wonderlic; no sense bringing home an absolute moron unless she can really work wonders with the ball.
Bar time: 10:15 pm
NFL Calendar: Mid March (Free Agency)
We're each on our fourth drink, and it's time to decide whether to keep the ladies we've been chatting up or go in search of new material. While the grass isn't always greener, it might be nice to upgrade in some areas. There were some nice prospects in the dart portion of the bar, but they're young and these cougars have veteran experience. Problem is, veterans can come with injuries and STDs. Time to pour a fifth scotch, neat this time, and figure out where to go next.
Bar time: 11:00 pm
NFL Calendar: End of April (NFL Draft)
My friend Jake assures me that we'd be overpaying for that veteran tight end, so we decide we're each going to look for one in the rookie draft. Now seems like a good time to make our escape, since the cougar pack just headed off to the restroom for another application of war paint and what appears to be cocaine. They might have stepped out for a smoke. I couldn't tell over my inner voice demanding we drop them and head for the tighter skirts to our west. As luck would have it, I found one! Mel Kiper wanted me to go with a wide receiver, but after Mike Williams, I won't fall for that trick. Nope, turns out this one's a center. She whispers softly, "Buy me a drink and you can be my quarterback all night". SOLD.
Bar time: 1:40 am
NFL Calendar: Early September (Week 1)
Wow things are looking up. She's all over me and my roommate has given me the pre-arranged "i'll go to my girlfriend's, you take the apartment, no need for a sock on the door" signal. (Bill Belichick immediately photographed it for next weekend's mixer.) She must really have her eyes on the end zone and not the friend zone, because I'm pretty sure she checked me for a cup in the cab. We arrive to the apartment alone and the end zone is in sight...could it be a win?
Bar time: 2:15 am
NFL Calendar: Mid-season (Bye Week)
Wait, does she have braces? She's 35! How did I not notice this. That's OK. We can still pull this together. I'm already committed to this team and damnit, we're going to win this year. 3-13 my ass. What in the hell is going on here? She said she was a dancer! She ought to be able to get through a little couch time without pulling a hammy. This is a total disaster. I better double wrap it. I wonder if he sister is hot. Maybe I can find some action clips of her online. I doubt espn has them though.
Bar time: 3:00 am Sitting up disappointed while she throws up tequila in the bathroom
NFL Calendar: Last game of the year (Week 17)
What a disappointment. I know she said she had only been there once in the last 20 years or so, but I thought she was just being modest and didn't want to seem like a playoff slut. How was I supposed to know she really is inexperienced and kisses like she's giving CPR to an alligator? Would a veteran have made these mistakes? Maybe I should have given her water with an Akers kicker. And what was with the puking in the fourth quarter? Mom's Chunky Soup and tequila not mix? And what's with the Mcnabb jersey? Jesus H. Now I have to drive this idiot home and get back in time to catch Cinemax for some quality alone time before my roommate gets back. I can't do what I need to do with her passed out here.
Bar time: 3:45 am Roommate is back...with his girlfriend
NFL Calendar: Playoffs (Right through the Super Bowl)
Oh great. Missed out on the solo flight Cinemax time; I don't get laid AND now I have to hear everyone else get some. How did he get Joe Buck to do the play-by-play? This is so gross. When does baseball start?
Bar time: Next day, 5:00 am Asleep
NFL Calendar: Early Off-season (not a damn thing)
ZZZ ZZZ ZZZ ZZZ
Bar time: 7:00 am, following day
NFL Calendar: Early January 2014 (End of next year's Bowl season)
This is our year baby! We'll take one home worth a damn, get her in our huddle and send her home with a trophy! SIXTEEN AND OH OH OHMYGOD baby! WE'RE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL! Now show me those rookies we might get this time...