Mock Draft 2013
1 Kansas City: Luke Joeckel (T) It’s either him or Fischer. Someone has to keep Alex Smith off his arse.
2 Jacksonville: Geno Smith (QB) Chad Henne is average at best, and on the football field, a man named Blaine is either the kicker or the water boy.
3 Oakland: Sharrif Floyd (DT) The Raiders don’t actually have any NFL-quality DTs right now. This will give them one.
4 Philadelphia: Dion Jordan (DE/OLB) The Eagles will use him much like Oregon did, as 3-4 LB and to cover TEs on nickel/dime packages.
5 Detroit: Eric Fischer (T) The Lions can’t be serious about some of the people they have penciled in as OL starters. If he is taken, I expect Jarvis Jones (OLB) to be the pick. Women will get the vapors, but he’ll be our first stud LB in some time.
6 Cleveland: Tavon Austin (WR) Our first reach of the night. Then again, a WR who can get underneath and around all those 3-4 LBs in the division could work well with Chuds, who will also work a TE as a key offensive player.
7 Arizona: Lane Johnson (T) Another team fills a glaring need, as Carson Palmer isn’t going to run around and make time in the pocket on his own.
8 Buffalo: Ziggy Ansah (DE) He needs some time to perfect his techniques; Buffalo needs some time before it can cut Mario Williams and his giant contract.
9 New York Jets: Dee Milliner (CB) Now they can trade that ***hole Revis to Tampa Bay.
10 Tennessee: Bjoern Werner (DE) A future disappointment, Werner will put in his 3-4 years and then get overpaid in Seattle.
11 San Diego: Damontre Moore (DE) Will a more competent front office do the smart thing and get a DE? Probably.
12 Miami: Cordarrelle Patterson (WR) Mistaking the double Rs as an Hispanic/Cuban name, Miami selects what it thinks is the home-town man. He goes on to a good career catching balls and running past New England’s 35-year-old safeties.
13 Tampa Bay: Star Lotulelei (DT) The fall stops here, much like every running back that heads toward this massive, near-planet-sized (sorry Pluto!) beast of a man. They refuse to call him "the heartbreaker", mostly because they’re not as cruel as I am.
14 Carolina: Chance Warmack (G) Because Carolina is run by morons.
15 New Orleans: Barkevious Mingo (DE/OLB) His job will be to get the ball back for Drew Brees and his giant mole/mole scar.
16 St. Louis: Kenny Vaccaro (S) They’d have liked Austin here, but they’ll have to settle for killing the other team’s WRs.
17 Pittsburgh: Jarvis Jones (OLB) He will knock Joe Flacco out of one game this year…and the league will cheer.
18 Dallas: Sheldon Richardson (DT) Someone has to break the other RG3 knee. Might as well be the guy I thought was that autistic genius on that show with the hot chick and the guy from Roseanne.
19 New York Giants: Arthur Brown (ILB) A highly-rated prospect at a non-premier position? Sounds like a nice change of pace for a coach who’d taser his own mother if the tater tots got cold.
20 Chicago: Alec Ogletree (LB) They need new blood at LB like Kristen Stewart needs to call me back, return my Team Jacob sweatshirt, and get that paternity test. (Why her? Because with her acting skills, she can’t fake the Big O.)
21 Cincinnati: Manti Te’o (LB) Why him? Because Cincinnati’s job is to collect all the crazy people in the NFL and see if they can turn into something golden. It’s the best reality show on earth.
22 St. Louis (from Washington): Tyler Eifert (TE) Having missed out on an actual WR, they get someone for Bradford to throw the ball to. Or at least toward. Kinda. Look for a WR soon.
23 Minnesota: Xavier Rhodes (CB) Someone has to catch Cutler’s throws. We know it won’t be a Bear.
24 Indianapolis: Johnathan Banks (CB) This is the last time they’ll pick this low for another 3 years.
25 Minnesota (from Seattle): Mike Glennon (QB) At this point, I will throw things at the TV, because Glennon has the best chance to be a star QB in this league…if he gets his head on right, stops throwing to random defenders, and uses his cannon for good.
26 Green Bay: Kevin Minter (LB) They collect LBs the way we collect WRs.
27 Houston: DeAndre Hopkins (WR) The more Andre and DeAndres they can throw out there, the better off they will be.
28 Denver: Johnathan Hankins (DT) Another player whose mother should be arrested on grand theft grammar, JH is all the Broncos can afford after overpaying Manning again this year.
29 New England: Larry Warford (G) Shades of the Logan Mankins selection, the Patriots surprise everyone by (a) staying in their draft slot and (b) drafting someone good who isn’t in a position of need. Mankins will just want a pay raise anyway. May as well get his replacement. (How’s that giving up money for the team thing working out, Brady? Ya dumbass) (Most likely? Someone trades up to draft the rights to cut Matt Barkley in 3 years)
30 Atlanta: Desmond Trufant (CB) Might not hurt to have someone who can stop all those WRs from ruining Tony Gonzalez’s third-time last season.
31 San Francisco: Eric Reid (S) They gotta get a guy to replace that guy. I don’t know. I hate them and I refuse to spend more than 30 seconds on this pick.
32 Baltimore: Keenan Allen (WR) Joe Flacco needs a new toy, because the other one had its batteries die and the other-other one had to be removed on the down-low by a well-compensated quiet doctor.