Week 3 NFL picks 2013: Offensively speaking

Leon Halip

Enhance your viewing experiences by picking this week's offensive games against the spread.

Rick Reilly is usually insufferable. But I read his column about the Washington Redskins name controversy and surprised myself to be following along and feeling almost compelled to agree. And then I got to the end:

Trust us. We know what's best. We'll take this away for your own good, and put up barriers that protect you from ever being harmed again.

Kind of like a reservation.

That last line is so painfully Reilly, it might as well reach out from the screen, slap the reader in his/her genitals and scream, "It's still me -- Rick Reilly! Never forget. Mwahahaha." I couldn't help but think of Eric and his weasel laugh.

No matter if you think Washington's football team should be called the Redskins or Mike Shanahan's Face or something less racial, I'd like to think we can at least all come together as co-people and agree that Rick Reilly should hang 'em up. Retire. Take all the money he's swindled, build a storm shed far away and lock himself in it.

Speaking of offensive things... my picks:

Chiefs (+3) over EAGLES

Chip Kelly's offense will not be offensive enough to get by the Chiefs' defense. (I think this is where Rick Reilly makes a joke about the Chiefs not being known for their good defense.) Andy Reid wins in his return to Philadelphia as the KC coach.

Chargers (+3) over TITANS

Phil Rivers tosses another pair of touchdowns to Eddie Fantasy Royalty and the Chargers improve to 2-1.

VIKINGS* (-5.5) over Browns

This is exactly what I was thinking:

PATRIOTS (-7) over Bucs

Whether Gronk's back or not, Tom Brady anoints himself WR1, throws himself a touchdown and 2-point conversion. Josh Freeman requests a trade to a team where he can throw the ball to Tom Brady. Oversleeps said trade deadline.

Texans (-2.5) over RAVENS

Matt Schaub ironically shows Joe Flacco a thing or two about quarterbacking in a rematch of last year's playoff game.

COWBOYS (-3.5) over Rams

Sam Bradford is throwing so much, Austin Pettis is becoming somewhat interesting. You know what else is interesting? Tony Romo with a great game.

SAINTS (-7.5) over Cardinals

I'm still not over last week's loss. I hope the Cardinals die of gonorrhea and rot in hell, metaphorically speaking.

REDSKINS (-1.5) over Lions

I was almost duped into thinking the Lions would win and break the winless streak in Washington with all the talk about just how bad the Redskins have been, from RGIII to their pass defense to their team name. The Lions are an ailing team's best medicine, though. I've been a Lions fan for far too long and I'm simply conditioned to think like this. I know; I should go shower now.

Packers (-2.5) over BENGALS

Giovani Bernard's coming out party on Monday Night Football didn't get all the fanfare I thought it would, right? Aaron Rodgers, by the way.

Giants* (+1) over PANTHERS

Eli Manning stops throwing like his suit bro, Cooper. David Wilson takes some cough medicine.

Falcons* (+2) over DOLPHINS

Snelling Jacquizz. Ew.

Colts* (+10.5) over 49ERS

Trent Richardson trade!

Jaguars (+19.5) over SEAHAWKS

49ers beatdown hangover leads to only a 17-point victory.

Bills (+2.5) over JETS

This game will feature two rookie quarterbacks. Hey, that's neat. Rick Reilly calls them rookie quarterblacks.

STEELERS (+2.5) over Bears

Jay Cutler cusses out a Terrible Towel after the game.

BRONCOS (-14.5) over Raiders

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I had to find a way to work this in.

Season (last week): 13-17-2 (6-9-1)

* denotes tease (+14) (8-0 on season)

KDawg: 12-18-2 (6-9-1)

Jayson Van Landuyt: 9-6-1
HireMattMilllen: 8-6-1
KevinZ418: 8-6-1
Big.Al: 7-7-1
Hendo44: 7-7-1
Reno09: 7-7-1
elfuego51: 7-7-1
cram9030: 6-6-1
jownce: 6-8-1
bigmac12111: 6-8-1
Northern Lite: 6-9-1
lions fan discplaced in las vegas: 5-9-1
bleedinghonolulublue: 4-10-1
Jettero2112: 3-9-1

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