Lions coaching search: Rejected

USA TODAY Sports

The Detroit Lions lost out on Ken Whisenhunt. Let's have a sad together.

Let's start this out with a statement we all need to remember: Ken Whisenhunt was not a can't-miss candidate. His time in Arizona ended without a winning record in three straight years. He failed to get anything out of his young quarterbacks. And while he helped Philip Rivers resurrect his career, he was no miracle worker when it came to the likes of Matt Leinart or Derek Anderson.

Still, losing on Whisenhunt hurts. It hurts bad.

After a month of being told we were the prettiest princess at the ball, we got our hopes up. We all eagerly awaited our Prince Charming to show up and lead us to a "happy ever after" life in the land of Lombardia. Though there didn't appear to be clear prince among the peons, Whisenhunt eventually emerged as the good-enough candidate we could believe in. Prince Charming? Maybe not. Prince Mildly Endearing? Yeah, I'll take it.

So we saddled up, waited patiently and made our pitch. We smugly assumed it was only a matter of time before Ken accepted the offer he couldn't refuse. We gleefully watched, waiting for the arrival of our chariot to bring home our new Emperor. But the chariot never left the stable. Whisenhunt snubbed our offer and refused our welcoming gifts. And now we're left alone wondering what went wrong.

I'm not angry, at neither Whisenhunt nor the Detroit Lions front office. I can't be angry when I don't know exactly what happened. And I'm not panicking, either. As I said before, Whisenhunt wasn't exactly a guaranteed winner (though I did think he was the best fit available). The only emotion I'm really feeling right now is rejection.

Why, Ken, why? Are we not pretty enough? Too fat? Too old? I know we've had anger issues in the past, but, baby, we can change! And we haven't had a run-in with the law in almost a full year! We can be that project you've always wanted to fix up! We're fixable! Fix us!

I know we got dumped by someone who was, by no means, one of a kind. But that almost makes it worse. Isn't it harder to come to terms with rejection from a 6 instead of a 10? And what's hurts even more is that he snubbed us for the Math Club Vice President.

In the end, we will never know the true reason why Whisenhunt rejected us. Maybe we weren't rich enough for him. Maybe he wanted one of those easy girls. Or maybe we just weren't his type. No matter the reason, the dance is coming soon, and we still don't have a date.

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