Lethal Weapon 9: The Tony Dungy Detroit Lions

Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Tony Dungy may not be coming to the Detroit Lions, but that doesn't mean we can't dream.

Friday morning, Tony Dungy announced that of all the head coaching jobs, Detroit seemed like the most appealing to him. Unfortunately, he also reiterated that he will not be returning to coaching ever again.

Tony Dungy will never be the coach of the Detroit Lions. That is a reality we must face... but before we do that, let's delve into a fantasy world in which Dungy comes out of retirement for one last year.

May I present three scenes from my upcoming script: Lethal Weapon 9: The Tony Dungy Detroit Lions (working title).


EXT. CEMETERY. DUSK. RAINING.

Looking broken and solemn, our hero, TONY DUNGY, stands alone
in front of a row of caskets, all closed. The identities of
the bodies are never revealed, but assumed to be loved ones.
The only other man present, the PRIEST, looks towards TONY,
worried.

PRIEST

Tony, it's been 3 hours. Our

clothes are ruined. It's time to go.


Tony doesn't even acknowledge him. His freckled face
continues to stare forward, emotionless. Even with the rain
hammering down on his face, the man does not blink. The
priest leaves.

As we slowly zoom out from Dungy's face, we see a MYSTERIOUS
MAN approaching from the shadows behind him. He raises his
arm to put his hand on TONY's shoulder, but before he does,
Tony speaks.

TONY

I knew you'd come.

MYSTERIOUS MAN (STARTLED)

Jeez, Tone, you scared me half to

death. You look terrible, as always.

TONY

This coming from a man who's a pair

of suspenders away from being an adult Urkel?


Tony allows for a barely-noticeable smile to crawl across his face.

M.M.

(laughs) You always knew how to

make 'em laugh.


His demeanor quickly changes to very serious.

M.M. (CONT'D)

You know why I'm here, Tone.


The shadowy figure steps into light, revealing the face of
Lions General Manager MARTIN MAYHEW.

TONY

Yeah, Martin. You know you're

wasting your time, right?

MARTIN MAYHEW

Come on, Tone. It's been over 3

hours since you built all of these caskets.

That was the final thing on your bucket list!

It's time to move on!


Tony rolls his eyes.

MARTIN MAYHEW (CONT'D)

Regardless, we need you on the force.

Our last officer left the place in shambles.

We're STILL trying pick up the pieces

...of headphones.

TONY

Yeah, I heard about that guy. Real

asshole. I would've figured you two

would have gotten along nicely.

MARTIN MAYHEW

He meant well, but when it came

down to it, he wasn't the leader

you are. Had shitty taste in music, too.

So what do you say, boss? Why not

give it one last shot? You've got

nothing left in this empty life.

You've done it all, so why not do

what you do BEST?


Tony stands silently for a while. The internal struggle is evident 
on his face. We see him sigh and seemingly give up on resisting.

TONY

Fine, Mayhew. Under one condition...

MARTIN MAYHEW

Anything.

TONY

I get to drive.


TONY slides down his sunglasses that weren't there in
previous shots as Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir" takes over.

Later...


INT. LIONS LOCKER ROOM

Martin Mayhew leads Tony Dungy into a busy-looking locker
room. Players are walking around without a purpose, music is
blaring. No one seems to be doing anything productive.
Martin and Tony walk towards MATTHEW STAFFORD, a slack-jawed
pretty boy who is laying back in a make-shift hammock, held
up by two players: KRIS DURHAM and KEVIN OGLETREE.

MARTIN MAYHEW

Officer Stafford, I'd like you to

meet your new commanding officer, Tony Dungy.


Tony reaches out his hand for a formal handshake.
Matthew does not leave his hammock and raises his hand for a
high-five. When he speaks, he's got a lazy southern drawl.

MATTHEW STAFFORD

Howdy, ol' man. I've heard a lot a-


Before Matthew can finish his sentence, Tony delivers a
forceful SLAP to Matthew's face, sending him flying off the
hammock. A few Lions players around the room turn to notice.

MATTHEW STAFFORD (CONT'D)

Whoa (laughing), I see kitty still

has his claws.


As Matthews slowly rises to his feet, he gives a reassuring
smile to his teammates. However, this smile is quickly
interrupted with another SLAP from Tony, sending Matthew
backwards into his own locker. By now, the entire team has
noticed and become silent.

MATTHEW STAFFORD (CONT'D)

(nervously laughing) Hey, man.

Chill. We're just trying to have a

good time here.


Matthew approaches Tony, knees bent, hunched over in an
overly relaxed manner. He reaches out his hand to Tony for a
formal handshake.

Tony, unamused by Matthew's conduct, delivers a final SLAP to
Matthew, sending him to his hands and knees directly in front
of Tony.

TONY

GET UP! ON YOUR FEET!


Stafford gets up slowly.

TONY (CONT'D)

NOW! And straighten out that damn

back! This ain't no hunchback convention.


Matthew quickly obliges, any resemblance of joy now gone from
his face.

Tony looks across the now-stunned room, every young face in
the locker room full of disbelief.

A SLOW CLAP emerges from the back of the locker room as
LOUIS DELMAS appears from the shadows.

LOUIS DELMAS (SARCASTICALLY)

Very impressive, coach. But if you

think beating up on that Georgia

pretty-boy is going to change

things around here, you've got

another thing coming.

TONY

Ahhh, you must be the famous Louis Delmas.

Didn't they tell you?

You've been cut.

LOUIS DELMAS

WHAT???? Nooooooooooooo.


Louis' voice fades away as two large men drag him out of the
locker room.

Now with full command of the room, Tony turns to the rest of
his players.

TONY

Time to get to work.


Tony flips down his sunglasses that, again, were not there
to begin the scene.

FINAL SCENE - EXT. UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX STADIUM

Tony is being carried by his players toward the podium as
confetti falls from the heavens. Every player's eye black has
been smeared across their respected faces with tears. Tony,
himself, has a somewhat flat-affect, but even he has allowed
a smirk -- similar to the one at the funeral -- to creep
across his face.

The players lift him onto the podium, where COMMISSIONER
ROGER GOODELL awaits by himself.

COMMISSIONER ROGER GOODELL

Well, it's been a long time coming

for you and this franchise, Tony.

This has got to be a special moment

for you. Is there anything you want

to do before raising the Lombardi?


Tony searches through the crowd and eventually locks eyes
with Martin Mayhew. He gives Mayhew a wink and a genuine
smile.

TONY

Just one thing.


CUT TO BLACK.

GUNSHOT.

Credits.

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