Friday morning, Tony Dungy announced that of all the head coaching jobs, Detroit seemed like the most appealing to him. Unfortunately, he also reiterated that he will not be returning to coaching ever again.
Tony Dungy will never be the coach of the Detroit Lions. That is a reality we must face... but before we do that, let's delve into a fantasy world in which Dungy comes out of retirement for one last year.
May I present three scenes from my upcoming script: Lethal Weapon 9: The Tony Dungy Detroit Lions (working title).
EXT. CEMETERY. DUSK. RAINING.
Looking broken and solemn, our hero, TONY DUNGY, stands alone
in front of a row of caskets, all closed. The identities of
the bodies are never revealed, but assumed to be loved ones.
The only other man present, the PRIEST, looks towards TONY,
Tony, it's been 3 hours. Our
clothes are ruined. It's time to go.
Tony doesn't even acknowledge him. His freckled face
continues to stare forward, emotionless. Even with the rain
hammering down on his face, the man does not blink. The
As we slowly zoom out from Dungy's face, we see a MYSTERIOUS
MAN approaching from the shadows behind him. He raises his
arm to put his hand on TONY's shoulder, but before he does,
I knew you'd come.
MYSTERIOUS MAN (STARTLED)
Jeez, Tone, you scared me half to
death. You look terrible, as always.
This coming from a man who's a pair
of suspenders away from being an adult Urkel?
Tony allows for a barely-noticeable smile to crawl across his face.
(laughs) You always knew how to
make 'em laugh.
His demeanor quickly changes to very serious.
You know why I'm here, Tone.
The shadowy figure steps into light, revealing the face of
Lions General Manager MARTIN MAYHEW.
Yeah, Martin. You know you're
wasting your time, right?
Come on, Tone. It's been over 3
hours since you built all of these caskets.
That was the final thing on your bucket list!
It's time to move on!
Tony rolls his eyes.
MARTIN MAYHEW (CONT'D)
Regardless, we need you on the force.
Our last officer left the place in shambles.
We're STILL trying pick up the pieces
Yeah, I heard about that guy. Real
asshole. I would've figured you two
would have gotten along nicely.
He meant well, but when it came
down to it, he wasn't the leader
you are. Had shitty taste in music, too.
So what do you say, boss? Why not
give it one last shot? You've got
nothing left in this empty life.
You've done it all, so why not do
what you do BEST?
Tony stands silently for a while. The internal struggle is evident
on his face. We see him sigh and seemingly give up on resisting.
Fine, Mayhew. Under one condition...
I get to drive.
TONY slides down his sunglasses that weren't there in
previous shots as Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir" takes over.
INT. LIONS LOCKER ROOM
Martin Mayhew leads Tony Dungy into a busy-looking locker
room. Players are walking around without a purpose, music is
blaring. No one seems to be doing anything productive.
Martin and Tony walk towards MATTHEW STAFFORD, a slack-jawed
pretty boy who is laying back in a make-shift hammock, held
up by two players: KRIS DURHAM and KEVIN OGLETREE.
Officer Stafford, I'd like you to
meet your new commanding officer, Tony Dungy.
Tony reaches out his hand for a formal handshake.
Matthew does not leave his hammock and raises his hand for a
high-five. When he speaks, he's got a lazy southern drawl.
Howdy, ol' man. I've heard a lot a-
Before Matthew can finish his sentence, Tony delivers a
forceful SLAP to Matthew's face, sending him flying off the
hammock. A few Lions players around the room turn to notice.
MATTHEW STAFFORD (CONT'D)
Whoa (laughing), I see kitty still
has his claws.
As Matthews slowly rises to his feet, he gives a reassuring
smile to his teammates. However, this smile is quickly
interrupted with another SLAP from Tony, sending Matthew
backwards into his own locker. By now, the entire team has
noticed and become silent.
MATTHEW STAFFORD (CONT'D)
(nervously laughing) Hey, man.
Chill. We're just trying to have a
good time here.
Matthew approaches Tony, knees bent, hunched over in an
overly relaxed manner. He reaches out his hand to Tony for a
Tony, unamused by Matthew's conduct, delivers a final SLAP to
Matthew, sending him to his hands and knees directly in front
GET UP! ON YOUR FEET!
Stafford gets up slowly.
NOW! And straighten out that damn
back! This ain't no hunchback convention.
Matthew quickly obliges, any resemblance of joy now gone from
Tony looks across the now-stunned room, every young face in
the locker room full of disbelief.
A SLOW CLAP emerges from the back of the locker room as
LOUIS DELMAS appears from the shadows.
LOUIS DELMAS (SARCASTICALLY)
Very impressive, coach. But if you
think beating up on that Georgia
pretty-boy is going to change
things around here, you've got
another thing coming.
Ahhh, you must be the famous Louis Delmas.
Didn't they tell you?
You've been cut.
Louis' voice fades away as two large men drag him out of the
Now with full command of the room, Tony turns to the rest of
Time to get to work.
Tony flips down his sunglasses that, again, were not there
to begin the scene.
FINAL SCENE - EXT. UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX STADIUM
Tony is being carried by his players toward the podium as
confetti falls from the heavens. Every player's eye black has
been smeared across their respected faces with tears. Tony,
himself, has a somewhat flat-affect, but even he has allowed
a smirk -- similar to the one at the funeral -- to creep
across his face.
The players lift him onto the podium, where COMMISSIONER
ROGER GOODELL awaits by himself.
COMMISSIONER ROGER GOODELL
Well, it's been a long time coming
for you and this franchise, Tony.
This has got to be a special moment
for you. Is there anything you want
to do before raising the Lombardi?
Tony searches through the crowd and eventually locks eyes
with Martin Mayhew. He gives Mayhew a wink and a genuine
Just one thing.
CUT TO BLACK.