FanPost

Recapping the 4th Quarter (with outrageous words and outstanding pictures)

Welcome, Dear Readers, to another edition of the other edition of the other edition of the One and Only

Recapping the 4th Quarter Mark

(with outrageous words and outstanding pictures)

Gathered Groupies of the Great Growly-Cats, we had a rough stay Sunday in Green Bay (followed up by some rough news about a Suhspension), but I’m here with some luscious Lethe based Chicken Noodle Soup for your Soul. So have a sip or two - calm your quivering stomach and sooth your aching mind - and lets move on.

With the 4th quarter of the season in the books, we find ourselves in the playoffs! THE PLAYOFFS??? Yes, the M*%#@$ F^@#&! playoffs! PLAAAYYYY OOFFFSS, PLAAAAAAAAAAAYYY OOOOOOOFFFFSSS, PLAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY OOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFSSSSSS!!!!

I’d like to take this opportunity to say SUCK IT, ANALYSTS! (except for Detroit analysts, who were just tempering their expectations because they have the fan equivalent of battered wife syndrome, not because they’re hating haters who hate like everyone else). Detroit will be lucky to get 8 wins, huh? The Lions will be playing slap-face with the Vikings for 3rd place in the NFCN, huh? Chicago will be an awesome-ball of victoriousness, huh? WELL HOW YOU LIKE US NOW, ASSHOLES?!?!?

Playoffs, koolaid, play-offs! Koolaid, koolaid, play-offs! Rumpa, dumpa, da-da!

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Playoffs!

Oh, yeah, so the recap. It's been a joyous journey this year, Dear Friends - now take my hand for one last righteous romp through the great growly grasslands!

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Serengeti Eleven (wins!)

WEEK 14: CAP’N CRUNCHED

In week 14, the Detroit Lions played host to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Coming into the 4th quarter, the Lions were sitting on a playoff seed, with their postseason aspirations firmly in their own hands. They had a string of cupcake games on the schedule, and all they had to do was beat the teams they were supposed to beat and they’d make the playoffs. No problem, right? Well, there was this one thing...

Last year the Lions were in the same boat after the bye week. The Packers’ and the Bears’ starting QBs were injured, and the Vikings didn’t employ a starting QB, so when Detroit came out of their bye leading their division and staring down a string of soft opponents, Lions’ fans just knew it was in the bag. Screwing this up was going to take some serious effort; they'd have to snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory (and Lions have a PSI of 691, you guys!). They only had to win, like, one game and they would clinch the division - and as the stars aligned, they played host to the Two-Win-Tampa Bay Bucs! Our ferocious felines verses those creamsicle winky-pirates? In our house? It was going to be a beatdown! And it was! …just not the way we expected. Despite killing them in the stat books, Detroit literally gave away the game with 5 turnovers, including a pick-6. Our Lovable Losers lost 24-21.

It was a beatdown alright; they beat our spirits right into the ground. The Lions trolled us like 4chan at a literalist convention. (Figuratively.)

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U MAD BRO?

Longtime Lions’ center Dominic Raiola later said the loss "took our soul". Those soulless Leos went on to lose 4 of their last 5 games and missed out on the playoffs – finishing 3rd in an unimpressive NFCN, who saw their division winner post a whopping 8 wins on the season.

So with that context, it’s easy to understand why some fans were looking at this doughy home stretch matchup against the Buccaneers with this feeling:

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Bwt I pwomis Iw be gwooood

The game started, and our crazy cays did little to quell doubts when they force fed those scurvy dogs a touchdown to end the half and make it a 1 score game. Again our Lil’ Leos were dominating the stats, but were desperately trying to give Tampa the win – whether they wanted it or not. It was ridiculous!

James Ihedigbo intercepted a pass in the end zone, but instead of taking a knee for 20 yards, he ran out to the 5 yard line and tossed the ball back to the Bucs for another set of downs. When the Buccaneers squandered those and would have to settle for a field goal, Jason Jones made sure to commit a personal foul so they could have yet another free set of downs. Then they finally succeeded in stuffing a TD down those rogue seafarer's throats like stale hardtack.

We were gonna get Lucy’d again; it’s not a matter of if that thought passed through your head – only how long it lingered there. But then they caught fire. DeAndre Levy went on to post twice as many sacks in this single game than he had in his entire career before it.

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THAT’S NO MOON! D:

Starved for the spectacle, after being spoiled by their abundance last season, fans were treated to a seasonally rare sighting of Joseph Fauria’s ever-amazing touchdown celebrations!

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THAT’S A MOON! D:

The party was on, and the Lions cruised to a 34-17 victory.

WEEK 15: NIGHTY-NIGHT, NORSEMEN – DON’T FORGET YOUR TEDDY!

Detroit moved on to their next opponent in the soft doughy string of 4th quarter games, and hosted the Minnesota Vikings for their second matchup of the season. The Lions defense had their way with the Viking’s offense in the first meeting, giving rookie QB Teddy Bridgewater a tender loving welcome to the NFL. By tender, I mean they sacked him 8 times and by loving, I mean they picked him off 3 times. Detroit’s offense struggled in the game, but we all saw verses CHI and TB in the previous 2 weeks that they totally fixed their problems and were all Rock City now.

Problem is, the Vikings are a better team than Tampa or Chicago. They actually have a decent defense, and if the NFL hadn’t ruled that disciplining your child in the same old-world way you were raised is a much worse crime deserving a much longer suspension than sucker-punching your wife in a hotel elevator and then dragging out her limp, unconscious body by the hair – they probably would have had a good shot at posting a winning record on the season.

The Lions once again struggled on offense, and (as the D is wont to do) they spotted the Vikings an early 14 point lead. Things were looking pretty grim, like Lucy grim, until Glover Quin decided to literally take matters into his own hands, intercepting a pass in Lions’ territory and running it all the way back inside the Vikings’ 10 – setting up Detroit’s first and only TD of the game.

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Quining like a boss

That play turned the tide of the game; the defense locked down and the offense generated enough field goals to eek out a 16-14 victory.

That put the Lions at 10-4 on the season, and an Eagles' loss the following Saturday put Detroit in the playoffs for the first time since 2011!

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It's Good!

WEEK 16: A MAGICAL GATHERING II

After the Lions whipped the snot out of the dysfunctional Chicago Bears on Thanksgiving, Marc Trestman would not stop begging for a rematch. Much like when your little cousin Kenny (who doesn’t understand the concept of a mana curve and keeps calling his creatures "Pokemons") whines for you to keep playing even though you always beat him so bad it's not even fun, and you have to keep playing him long after the joy is gone because you know he’ll cry to Aunt Susan about it if you don’t – Jim Caldwell grudgingly accepted the pleas for rematch.

Trestman finally decided to go to his sideboard and replace his awful Jay Cutler cards with some freshly minted Jimmy Clausens.

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Pickles? PICKLES!

Unfortunately for Kenny Marc, Chicago’s receivers have a debilitating pickle phobia, so they flat out refused to catch his passes.

Caldwell, still feeling bad about giving Trestman such a severe beatdown in their Thanksgiving Duel, went to his sideboard too. Not to strengthen his deck, but to nerf it.

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TOUCHDOWN! ….for the other team.

Chicago went first, and played the card they’ve been playing every game since week 13.

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Braaaaiiinnnss! Braaaii….eh, nevermind, this is too much work.

Trestman was smart enough to build a combo around it though, and caught Caldwell a little off guard.

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Moar like Mono The Gathering, amirite?

The game got ugly. Real ugly. The Bears didn’t want to win, but the Lions were very insistent, so they built a 14-10 lead in spite of their reluctance. Somewhere in middle of this atrocious spectacle of feigned footballery, this card accidentally got played.

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"A sucker-punch isn’t the best kind of punch. It’s the ONLY kind." ~Dom.

Things were looking grim for Lions’ fans. We all knew week 16 was a gimme game, but Detroit was flat out refusing to take it. The only thing I can figure is that they really didn’t want to see Trestman & Co. get fired at the end of the season, and since they had already clinched a playoff spot, they were throwing the game in the interests of next season. It’s genius, actually; leave it to a brilliant tactician like Caldwell to plan for the future like that.

But then Pride took over and the bomb dropped.

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BOOM!

Joique Bell started truckin fools, Ndamukong Suh started sackin fools, and Glover Quin snagged his league leading 7th interception to end the game with Detroit winning 20-14!

Caldwell then made a "bring-bring" noise, answered a fake call, and told Trestman he was really sorry but he couldn’t play anymore cause he just got called home.

WEEK 17: NOTHING TO SEE HERE, MOVE ALONG.

Redacted by the Ministry of Koolaid. Nothing to see here, move along. Redacted by the Ministry of Koolaid. Nothing to see here, move along. Redacted by the Ministry of Koolaid.

Redacted by the Ministry of Koolaid. Nothing to see here, move along. Redacted by the Ministry of Koolaid. Nothing to see here, move along. Redacted by the Ministry of Koolaid. Nothing to see here, move along. Redacted by the Ministry of Koolaid. Nothing to see here, move along.

Redacted by the Ministry of Koolaid.

Nothing to see here. Move along.

FINAL NOTE: TOSS IT IN THE FIRES OF MOUNT DOOM!

As always, I have to end my recap with a note about the Power Rankingses. However, Dear Friends, we all know the power rankings are for losers. Super Bowl winners don't care about where their team was ranked - that's just for the losers to argue over. It's a consolation prize, and we want the Super Bowl, goddammit. We're probably in the top 10, but I don't care. I'm not gunna talk about it this time. I'm going to waste my... my... well, maybe just one more peak.

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So Precious....

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Pride Of Detroit or its writers.