FanPost

Choose Your Own Adventure: POD Style

Dude, Big, choose your own adventure stories are outdated and stupid.

You're outdated and stupid. If you choose to go back in time with me and read a fictionalized story about people's lives whom I've never met, keep reading. If you chose to be an arrogant dickhead, stop reading and continue to listen to Kanye West's new album and exfoliate your skin.

It's 6PM on a Tuesday. You just got home from your job, for which you get paid too little, angrily toss your keys on the cabinet, loosen up your tie, and pry your shoes off. The wife isn't home from her job yet, and she's probably sleeping with her boss "for that elusive promotion" she keeps mentioning. Yeah right. You turn the TV on and flip to ESPN because you hate yourself. NFL insides is on though, and the Lions are actually supposed to be up next, so you keep watching, cause you haven't heard enough about Suh's contract, and this Manziel situation they're talking about now is so riveting....YOU MEAN TO TELL ME HE FLEW COACH TO VEGAS AND BACK!? NOT FIRST CLASS?!

All that does is remind you that football season is still 99 days away. That's 100 days too many. Fortunately for you, the Lions started their OTA's earlier this week, and at least that means someone is playing football. Unfortunately for you, there's little to actually see or read about, and the training facilities aren't open to the public. But you're just so damn bored. You decide to hop in your 1993 Ford Aspire and cruise down 275 with your windows down (broken). Your phone beeps. Probably just a text from your wife. DO YOU:

A) Read the text and respond back while on the road? (Your wife is probably worried)

B) Choose to leave your phone alone for the rest of the day?

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If you selected A) Read the text and respond back while on the road, start up here. If you selected B), skip this portion and start at the next page break.

"Ugh, I wonder what she wants" you say as you reach for your phone ........ "Www....what's that noise?"

It's a car horn. You wreck and die. The text was an accidental dick pick from your wife's boss. Don't text and drive, man. It's dumb.

(Come on, I gave you an easy one to start out with. Do better next time) RESTART FROM BEGINNING

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If you selected B) Choose to leave your phone alone for the rest of the day, start up here.

"Psh, I'm spontaneous, woman! Leave me alone!"

You toss your phone in the backseat, forgetting about it for now. Besides, texting and driving is extremely unsafe. Who would do that? You continue to go 55mph until the practice facility in in sight and park your car near it. Walking up to the facility, it looks like most of the players have left by now. Just your luck, not only can you not enter the facility, but you won't even get to see the monster who is ruining your beloved Lions (Suh).

"Just my damn luck. I drove all this way here and might only get to see fucking Andrew Peacock hold snaps for Giorgio Taveccio. My life sucks."

You start to head back to your car when you hear the distinct voice of someone you definitely know. You can't quite make out what they're saying, but you turn around anyway and squint because you have bad eyesight and you cant afford lasik. Who is that? The man starts walking towards you, and as he gets closer and closer, you realize it's the one and only Sean Yuille. What the hell is he doing here? Is this how he gets stories out so quickly?

"Hey man! Long time no see!" he yells. "What brings you to the Lions practice facility today?"

"Damn, it's been awhile, Sean. And I dunno, just felt like doing something spontaneous, I guess. But I suppose there's no way to really do anything here anyway. The facility is closed and all the players are leaving."

A wry smile begins to creep over Sean's face. Without saying a word, he motions for you to follow him. Reluctantly, you begin to follow. After all, this is Sean Yuille we're talking about, managing editor of Pride of Detroit, the only way you get through work every day. He eventually stops and turns to you.

"What are we doing by this port-a-potty, dude? You playing some game?"

"Just step in here with me. Trust me." DO YOU:

A) Leave Sean to do his weird toilet fantasies by himself?

B) Take his hand in yours and enter the port-a-potty?

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If you selected A) Leave Sean to do his weird toilet fantasies by himself, start here. If you selected B), skip this section and start at the next page break.

"Fuck off, weirdo. Just you and your hand in there, buddy. I'm OUT."

What the fuck is he thinking? You head back to your car, even more depressed. Nate D. is spotted posted up in the shadows doing his thing.

"Pssst. Pssst. You wanna buy some dro? Good stuff, cheapest price in the area. Can't beat it."

Why not? It was either this or buy a bottle of bourbon on the way home. You walk over to him and hand over $50 for a fat sack. He asks to smoke some with you, but you politely decline. Fucking lingerer, man. You hop in your car and take a good look at the stuff. Looks a bit off to me....but it's been awhile since I've even seen drugs, maybe this is normal. You make a bowl out of an old pop can you find in your car and take a big hit.

"Woah. This feels.....different. What the hell is this stuff!?"

Surprise, surprise. It's laced. With what? You don't know. But damn are you feeling like a god. Colors are vivid. You begin to daydream. You see Delusional, he's explaining why Suh's cap hit is nothing to worry about, and how he's by far the best DT in the game. Tufflynx appears and begins to argue, albeit, loudly and incoherently, and starts screaming something about how terrible this past draft class was. You know it's a dream now, but can't seem to wake yourself up.

You've become addicted to crack. Your car becomes your home. The days begin to run together and one day when you're selling your body for drug money, your car is impounded. You're now homeless and a crackwhore. If only I would've grabbed those silky white hands of Sean, could all of this been avoided? you ponder as a old man asks you boxers or briefs. Too late now, you've made your bed (of gravel), now you must lie in it. RESTART FROM BEGINNING

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If you selected B) Take his hand in your and enter the port-a-potty, start here.

Reluctantly, you take his hand and enter the port-a-potty. What else are you going to do? Go home to your shitty house and watch internet porn? You step in and are amazed at what you see. This is not an ordinary port-a-potty. Not only is acclaimed Twitter user Jeremy Reisman in there eating ice cream and watching re-runs of Community, but there are multiple outlets, computers, tv's, a fridge, futon, and multiple cameras, but there is also an odd, gaping hole on one side of the port-a-potty.

"Hey Sean, besides the obvious question of 'what the hell is this,' what the hell is that giant hole on the side there? It's pitch black...."

"Well, this is where I get my work done. Since I'm constantly updating the site and Twitter news, I thought I might as well get an office near the Lions, you know? And that hole? Well, you gotta go in to figure that out. I have to stay and update POD, so I can't go in with you."

Hey, you've come this far. What's the worst that could happen? You warily stick you leg into the giant pitch black hole and nothing happens. You poke your head in but can't see anything.

"Sean! Can't you just tell me what this is?" you ask.

Alas, it is too late, as the hole mysterious closes up before you can get out. Scared, lost, and worried, you begin to wander down the hole, only to be stopped by an object in your way. You can't seem to get around it, and just about when you decide to give up, a light appears out of nowhere, startling you. The object you hit was a desk, and someone is sitting down behind it. It takes awhile for your eyes to adjust, but you start to make out the face of Drewslions. He's wearing a pitch black duster with sunglasses and knee-high work boots. He begins to talk, slowly.

"Hello, Neo..er...guy. I am Drewslions, protector of the unknown. Do you wish to see what is behind this desk?"

This is starting to freak you out. You just wanted to see Calvin make some catches and Reggie juke a few defenders. Now you're shuffling down a pitch black hole with this "protector" guy asking you questions. You don't answer right away. You're in no rush, since this may be the last night of your life if you don't play things right. Drews begins to speak again.

"Guy, trepidation is commonplace in the hole. It is understandable. I leave you with two options. There are two pills: a Navy Blue/Orange pill, and a Light Blue/White pill. One will bring you happiness and joy, while the other will return you to your normal, boring life. Choose wisely."

And just like that, Drew disappears. You're left with two options. DO YOU:

A) Take the Navy Blue/Orange pill?

B) Take the Light Blue/White pill?

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If you selected A) Take the Navy Blue/Orange pill, start here. If you selected B), skip this section and start at the next page break.

You take the Navy Blue/Orange pill. You began to get sick. Violently sick. You black out and wake up back in your home. You've become a Bears fan. Your life is ruined. You're the worst. While you ponder taking your life because of this, you are hit with a polish sausage, mouth agape. It gets lodged in your neck and you die of suffocation.

(what'd you expect? you took a pill with bears colors.) RESTART AND MAKE MUCH BETTER LIFE DECISIONS

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If you selected B) Take the Light Blue/White pill, start here.

You pop the light blue/white pill and down with with some blue koolaid. You began to get sick. Violently sick. You black out and wake up inside the practice facility. You've made the right decision, and immediately begin to feel better. Duuuude, I'm inside the practice facility! Am I gonna get into trouble for this? You here a voice. It's calling a name, but it's not yours. It gets louder. People are looking at you. ......AN.....RIAN.....BRIAN!! The fuck? People are looking at me, but not in a 'you're not supposed to be here' way. What's that guy shouting? Brian? Who?

"Brian! Your interview is starting! Hurry up!" some 20 year old is yelling...

Holy shit. Am I this Brian they're talking to? Whose Bri..........ohhhhhhh shit. I AM BRIAN XANDERS. hoooooly shit. what the hell do I do? But I've got my wallet and keys still...huh....

"Brian! SIR! SIR!"

This annoying little shit...who is this? After further evaluation, you recognize his face. It's Reno09. He recently was hired as your personal assistant, and is pestering you to get to this interview, even though its probably useless. You oblige.

"Hey Reno...er...young man. I'll be there in a minute" you say. After all, you ARE Brian Xanders, savior of Detroit and master of the draft. Whoever it is can wait for you, damnit, even if it is Martin Mayhew himself. You eventually meander over towards the lights and cameras near the end of the practice facility. There's a few people there, actually, and you immediately recognize a few of them. Joshsun and CLF are prominently displayed, both fighting to get the best position for their microphones and cameras. Behind them, and doing most of the heavy lifting, are Kudos and separateunion. You nod in their general direction. Probably the highlight of their lives right there, just noticing them at all. You've began to get a bit arrogant, obviously. Josh starts shouting at his camera crew to get closer and start filming, CLF does the same, but louder.

"Gentlemen, gentlemen, enough of the bickering. It gets you nowhere" you begin...

However, just as you begin to talk, you have a sudden realization. Crap, I can't do this interview! I don't know anything about what Xanders does, let alone what they're even interviewing me for! DO YOU:

A) Start the interview anyway? (what could go wrong?)

B) Politely decline the interview with an excuse?

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If you selected A) Start the interview anyway, begin here. If you selected B), skip this section and begin at the next page break.

You decide to start the interview anyway. You know your Lions. You have a very general idea of what it is that Xanders does, so this interview couldn't really hurt anything, right?

"Gentlemen, let's begin" you start.

Josh begins. "Sir, first off I want to say how much of an honor it is to meet you. I feel that just being in your presence makes me a better man. I thank you for this interview opportunity and chance to be overwhelmed with knowledge. Thank you, thank you, thank you." CLF is seen rolling his eyes.

You reply, "Uh, thanks guy. I, uh, appreciate your praise. Do you have an actual question though?"

CLF interrupts and begins his own questions before Josh has a chance to answer. "B-dog, BMX, what's up man? Can you provide a statement on your recent allegations of money laundering and drug activity?"

You're taken aback. What the hell? Who does this guy think he is, Heisenburg? What the heck do I say here? You try to stall a bit, saying that you have nothing new to report, and that you'll be going to your arraignment in a few weeks, adding that "it doesn't sound like something I'd do." Bad choice. CLF jumps on this opportunity.

"Um, Brian, you just told us yesterday that your arraignment was going to be earlier today....You're also talking in a strange accent, which I tried to ignore originally. What's going on?"

Shit. They've figured me out, haven't they? I should've declined the interview! I've made a huge mistake. You begin to back away slowly, eyes darting from side to side. Everyone is now looking at you. This isn't good. Some people are coming closer. They look an awful lot like JCruize and Nuftjedi. Cruize looks angry from an earlier incident with a Vikings fan trying to sneak into the facility with a stink bomb. Nuftjedi has something in his hands...is that a baseball bat? and a knife?

"We don't think you are who you say you are, punk" Nuftjedi starts. "Time to see whose behind this Xanders mask...."

"NO!" you shout. "I'M NOT XANDERS BUT I'M NOT WEARING A MASK! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT KNIFE?!"

It's too late. Led by Cruize and Nuftjedi, they begin the beatdown. Seemingly out of nowhere, though, Billysimsmademedo shows up. He tries to reason with the two, stating something about seeing both sides before we make a move. Unfortunately, the crowd is growing behind him, all ready to beat you up for lying about your identity. DLions4eva and ncbur10 are seen. DLions remains optimistic, telling you things like "at least it'll be over soon buddy!" and "at least you're being beaten as a Lions fan, by Lion's fans!" ncbur seems to get distracted by Kris Durham running his routes beside him. Thankfully, you black out, but end up waking up in a prison. They found your wallet. You've been convicted of attempting to assume a fake identity. You eat a rat. RESTART FROM BEGINNING

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If you selected B) Politely decline the interview with an excuse, begin here.

"Eh, thanks but no thanks, guys. I have to wash my hair, or something."

Josh and CLF look at you strange, but allow you to walk away. You hastily step towards the exit. That was close. I don't think I could get though an interview, let alone with those two doing it. As you make your way out of the facility, a large shadow begins to loom. It grows and grows until it envelops you. Out of the corner of the facility, Ndamukong Suh turns the corner and the shadow disappears. Oh man! That's Suh! Wait, I can't act starstruck, he thinks I'm Brian Xanders!

"Hey, big guy! How ya doing?" you ask, expecting a brief, dismissing remark. After all, this is Ndamukong Suh, the devil.

"Hey Brian! I'm great! How're you?" he begins, before going into a long detailed story about what he's been up to for the past few weeks. You're shook, not expecting a response, let alone a conversation to happen. You half expected him to tell you to shoo and talk to his agent, who looks an awfully lot like Undadawg, who is peering over from the media section in a distrusting fashion while trying desperately to keep out the swarm of reporters. One reporter shakes free, none other than SUHperhero, who, ironically, begins berating Suh about why he's wasting time talking with you when he should be practicing with this teammates. Undadawg rushes over and handles the situation with aplomb like usual, but not before stories begin popping up about Suh wasting his teammates and coaches time on PFT and Bleacher Report. Agitated, you try to leave the facility again.

"Alright guys, I'm gonna take off for today" you say to no one in particular, because no one is really paying any attention to you anymore. Well, what now? I can pretty much do anything I want... Just as you think of going to check out the locker room to swipe a few jerseys admire the view, you see someone else sneak in. Intrigued, you follow him into the locker room. As you enter, the stench of manliness and sweat overpowers you. You open the door and immediately see Mordecai James-Bradford sniffing an Eric Ebron jersey. Startled as you enter, he takes the jersey and starts to run. DO YOU:

A) Run after him?

B) Blow it off and explore the rest of the facility?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you selected A) Run after him, begin here. If you selected B), skip this section and begin at the next page break.

"HEY! STOP YOU EBRON LOVING JERSEY THEIF!" you shout.

Unluckily, you're wearing your work shoes and can't run as fast in them. A voice sounds off in your head. It's Schnard. You know this immediately because of his bold statements and specific facts he tells you.

"Brian, or whoever you are. If you remove your work shoes, you can chase down this thief 3.4 times faster than you would in your work shoes. You will catch him this way. Believe me, have I ever let you down? No. I haven't."

Thinking quickly, you remove them and start chasing after Mordecai in your socks. Initially, this is a good idea, as you can tell that you are gaining ground on him. Alright! I'm gonna catch this guy! You begin to reach out for Ebron's jersey and grab ahold of it for a moment. Unfortunately, this rips the jersey down the middle, and Mordecai stops and turns around.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DOOOONE!?" he bellows. "YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!"

The earth begins to shake. In the desperation of trying to do the right thing, it seems you have interrupted the work of a much higher power. Ebron's used jersey was needed to complete the last task of Leonuro. The earth shakes harder, and a crack starts to begin from the center of the practice field. The sky is dark. People are running scared. The crack gets bigger and deeper. The loud, booming voice of Leo begins to speak.

"You have interrupted the work of a higher power, my son. You have ruined the final piece to a Lions Championship. Ebron's jersey was needed to remove the final M**** marking o'er the franchise. By tearing it, you have initiated the BLACK SEQUENCE. THIS IS SO SUPER SERIOUS THAT I CANNOT EVEN MAKE A JOKE ABOUT IT. NOT EVEN RYAN GOSLING'S RIDICULOUSLY GOOD LOOKS, NOR MY PONYTAIL COULD SAVE US NOW."

"What have I done!?!" were the last words anyone ever spoke, as the world was swallowed up and reduced to nothingness. You've ruined the world. RETURN TO BEGINNING

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If you chose B) Blow it off and explore the rest of the facility, begin here.

Screw it. Not worth the effort. I've got my own shit to do. You leave the jersey thief to himself and begin to walk around some more. I wonder how long I've been here? You begin to think about how you even got here in the first place. Sean's port-a-potty office, right? Shit, weren't there monitors and cameras in there? You remember seeing upwards of 10 scattered around the port-a-potty, and begin to panic. What if Sean was playing a trick on me? What if he's going to report this to the police? Not only am I pretending to be someone else, but I let a criminal get away! I gotta get out of here, NOW. Your paranoia overtakes you. You begin to see what look like policemen everywhere. You begin to feel something painful in your head. What the hell is happening?

"Woah, slow down there, Brian. What's wrong?" a voice asks you.

You turn around and see your good friend, but clear subordinate, Martin Mayhew approach you.

"You look panicked, bud. You alright?" he asks.

"Uh, yeah man, er, Martin. I've just got a splitting headache that won't go away."

Mayhew smiles. "I think I've got just the thing for ya"

He ushers you into his office. It's filled with Joshsun memorabilia and fan mail from Delusional, just the norm. He requests that you sit down, but, knowing that you're Brian fucking Xanders, you decide to stand. No one orders YOU around. Mayhew pulls open a golden drawer and pulls out a bottle of pills. Clearly, more pills are NOT the thing you need, especially because you have a sneaky suspicion that this is a set up.

"Where'd you get those, Marty?" you ask, thinking Sean set this up again.

"Oh, you know, the always reliable Rames gave them to me a few days ago. I've been taking them recently and been doing great."

Right, Rames just gave them to you. Sure. And tjwgoblue likes Ohio sports. But my god, this headache.

"Alright Marty, lemme get one of those" you say, not intent on taking it in his office.

You grab a pill from Mayhew and mosey out of there. You begin to walk towards the entrance of the facility, thinking that was the way out, since that was the way in. Your headache becomes unbearable, and you're beginning to see visions of Ralphiegoblue and Malek. NO! NO! Anyone but those two! DO YOU:

A) Drop the pill and try to fend off the visions?

B) Take the pill to try and calm down?

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If you selected A) Drop the pill and try to fend off the visions, begin here. If you selected B), skip this section and begin at the next page break.

You decide to drop the pill on the ground. You're a big boy, you can handle these visions. But they get more intense. More vivid. You can't take it. You've gone insane. You'll be placed in a psych ward for the rest of your life. RESTART FROM BEGINNING

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If you selected B) Take the pill to try and calm down, begin here.

You take the pill. The visions were getting out of control. You begin to get sick. Violently sick. Again? AGAIN?! You black out. You wake up on your couch back at your shitty home.

What the hell just happened? You rush to the window to see if your beautiful Aspire is parked outside. Luckily, it is. Unluckily, it looks like it's been wrecked. Your wife enters the room with her boss hand in hand giggling to each other. You turn to look, and she lets out a yelp.

"Honey! I.....uh.....though you were....uh....working late? What are you doing home?"

Depressed, you head to your bed. What's the use? You sleep.

You wake. Your wife explains that she wants a divorce. You're fired from work because your car won't start and your phone was stolen. You're a Lions fan, afterall, what did you expect to happen? Something good?

END

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Pride Of Detroit or its writers.

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