FanPost

Unrealistic Final 53 2014

Hello all. I believe it's that time again to shell out my "unrealistic 53-man roster" prediction. I had fun doing it last year, so here goes nothing. Get ready to click on a shit ton of hyperlinks.

Quarterback (4)

Clarence BEEFTANK: Oh yes. Your starting quarterback is none other than the five-foot, 400 pounder Clarence BEEFTANK.

Drew Stanton: Our backup QBs are so god awful right now. Don't you just wish we had Drew Stanton back? His dance moves are unparalleled.

Kellen Moore: Kellen Moore -- regular guy, or Jesus Christ our savior?

Mo'Ne Davis: We need a developmental QB that can eventually back up Mr. BEEFTANK. Mo'Ne Davis is a 12-year old girl, and still may have the best arm talent out there.

Running Back (4)

Theo Riddick: As a favorite to win the NFL MVP award, Theo Riddick is finally living up to the hype he's received all throughout camp. This run after the catch against the Oakland Raiders was dirtier than a blind man's toilet.

Tony Stewart: Running over defenders with reckless abandon. (viewer discretion is advised)

Dri Archer: Oh what I would do to see Dri Archer in this offense. Try catching him in open space.

Speedy Gonzales: Gonzales' speed can only be rivaled by Dri Archer. (credit to CLF on the choice)

Fullback (1)

Ram Man: Return of the Mack? No. It's the return of the fullback position, what better guy to fill the position than a human battering ram? (credit to CLF once again)

Wide Receiver (8)

Blanco Nino: "Nice catch Blanco Nino, but to bad your ass got SAAAAAAACKED"

Sammy Watkins: In a perfect world, this combination would be real.

Randy Moss: Moss is still making catches outside of the NFL. "STRAIGHT BASS HOMIE!."

Bob Nelson: One of the funniest stand-up comedians ever. This football segment still brings me to tears.

Mark Sanchez: Wait what? No seriously, hear me out on this. Sanchez may be a better receiver than he is QB.

Luis Suarez: Suarez is a fringe player but has the hunger and determination that will ensure him a spot on the roster come late-August. His catch radius is up there with the best, having the ability to catch with two hands and his mouth. (Bonus points to whoever can photoshop a football into his mouth)

Carlin Isles: Even Chip Kelly is jealous of all this speed on our roster. In an alternate world, Isles sticks around with the Lions and translates his rugby skills onto an american football pitch.

Da'Rick Rogers: Why didn't we draft him?!?!?!?!

Tight End (4)

Eric Ebron: You haters can't even escape him on an unrealistic roster. This catch still amazes me.

Jimmy Graham: Eric Ebron cannot be the Jimmy Graham in this offense, because Jimmy Graham is currently in this offense. Imagine the possibilities in today's NFL if you could have two TEs bringing mismatches every snap they take.

Jerry Gergich: Every team needs someone to blame. The Red Wings have Kyle Quincey, and now the Lions have Jerry Gergich, the least liked character on Parks and Recreation. (an incredible show)

Kim Kardashian: dat ass

Offensive Line (7)

Leeroy Jenkins: Leeroy is the first player to make the team two years in a row, which is kind of amazing since he led the league in false starts. Caldwell is insistent that he can fix the penalties and bring some discipline, but we'll see. Leeroy has about a 32.33 (repeating of course) chance of making the team next year.

Fat Bastard: "First things first, where's your shitter?." Bastard has the perfect frame to don the offensive guard position. He'll bring some needed push in the running game.

Haley Joel Osment: Have you seen him lately?

Shaquille O'Neal: The greatest center to ever live. (credit to Megatron313 on the suggestion)

Larry Warford: Warford is too good to be left off of any roster.

Joel Embiid: He may be the funniest center and Twitter personality out there. Oh and there's this too.

Ser Gregor the Mountain Clegane: This guy is a monster, and *GAME OF THRONES SPOILER ALERT* he crushes a guys skull in.

Defensive Line (8)

The Shockmaster: The Shockmaster was a longshot to make the roster, but he came here to shock the world, and it's working I guess.

Thanos: You only got a glimpse of Thanos in the first ever Guardians of the Galaxy movie. The Guardians could barely stop a guy with one infinity stone. Apparently Thanos gets his hands on all five and is unstoppable. Sign me up for that guy.

Brock Samson: Star of the cartoon series Venture Bros. that kicks ass and refuses to use a gun. (credit to Billy)

Rudy: "His sacks/snap ratio is unbelievable" - Bighaircut

Jadeveon Clowney: I just needed a reason to show his high school highlights again. He is a grown man among children.

Mr. Fantastic: The Lions have drafted their fair share of length defensive ends. Mr. Fantastic gives them the advantage of having stretchy arms, and can bat down tons of passes at the line of scrimmage for them.

Groot: Speaking of lengthy, Groot is a tree. He is a member of the Guardians of the Galaxy, and is pretty adorable as a baby tree.

Triple H: If any of you have ever followed the WWE franchise, you may remember Triple H. He's still around, and he's still ripped. He's pretty much in charge of what goes on right now, and is pretty hilarious on the microphone.

Linebacker (7)

Hans and Franz: They're here to pump the Lions up, and it doesn't hurt that they are the cousins of Arnold Schwarzenegger. (credit to CLF again)

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Might as well, right?

Drax the Destroyer: Another Marvel hero from Guardians of the Galaxy. He's even better in coverage than DeAndre Levy because nothing goes over his head. Couldn't find any gifs/videos, but here's a quote.

"The metaphor will go over his head."
"Nothing goes over my head. My reflexes are too fast. I will catch it.
"―Rocket Raccoon and Drax

Brock Lesnar: Also known as the Beast Incarnate, he is the man who beat the Undertaker's Wrestlemania undefeated streak, and we'll need him if we want to end the Lambeau losing streak.

Terry Tate, Office Linebacker: Terry Tate doesn't mess around, whether it's in an office or on the field. He's coming off of a torn ACL, so there is some worry there. (credit to Jeremy)

Roman Reigns: He's boring, but he has great tackling form. He also played with Calvin Johnson at Georgia Tech before transitioning into wrestling.

Cornerback (0)

Screw the national media, we don't need no stinkin' cornerbacks.

Safety (5)

Osirian Portal Tag Team: The Osirian Portal Tag Team makes the team for the second straight year. I don't even remember putting them on h -- "HE'S USING HYPNOSIS."

Dan Orlovsky: The most memorable safety in Detroit Lions history.

Mike Tyson: With Louis Delmas gone, we need a hard hitting safety, especially one that won't knock out his own teammates. He also has an awesome cartoon show reminiscent to Scooby Doo coming out on Adult Swim sometime soon.

Arby's Employees: Creating more turnovers than anyone in the NFL.

Special Teams (5)

Kickalicious: To this day fans are still calling for Kickalicious. The Norwegian youtube sensation will always be a fan favorite in Detroit.

Pat McAfee, Destroyer of Worlds: Another one of Jon Bois' brilliant creations. He took Colts punter Pat McAfee and turned him into a superhero. The real Pat McAfee is no slouch either.

Three Don Muhlbachs: Don Muhlbach is a perfect human being. There was no way I was leaving him off this list, and I'm way too tired and lazy at this point to think of two more players, so we can have three Muhldozers.

Coaches/Trainers:

Little Giants Coach: Come on Detroit...one time.

Mr. Body Massage: Mr. Body Massage has the magic touch, and there is a reason why the Lions are so healthy right now (knock on wood).

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Two weeks into the season, the Lions finally realized how thin they were in the secondary, so they decided to convert half of their team into safeties.

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Pride Of Detroit or its writers.