After obnoxiously sticking my chest out last week, being a big ole' braggart about my brainy success last season, I started the 2013 campaign with a 7-8-1 thud. I've gone from top 10 to outside the top 1000. I guess I deserved that.
We only have one commenter joining the fun thus far and his name is KDawg. KDawg was 6-9-1 against the spread while intending to pick the games straight up (11-5 in that regard), so that doesn't make me feel better.
If you're interested in getting involved, feel free to make your picks (against the spread) in the comments below. You don't have to be afraid of my pellet gun or my big traps. Step right in.
Except you, Comcast. You stay the eff out of my yard. Always.
PATRIOTS (-12.5) over Jets
The Jets won last week and the Patriots barely edged out the Bills while losing a running back to a broken hand and their so-called "fantasy sleeper" tight end who slept through Week 1, soooooo naturally, the Patriots are projected to use Rex Ryan's least favorite foot and kick the Jets' asses back to the Meadowlands. I'll buy.
FALCONS* (-7) over Rams
I can't imagine the Falcons starting 0-2, let alone not making a statement in their home opener. Steven Jackson ran for over 10,000 yards during his employment with the Rams, so he'll recognize the familiar garb, but he's going to want to do them like an XFINITY employee in his backyard at 9 p.m. Go on. Get out of here.
BILLS* (+3) over Panthers
The Bills will be without their starting safety, which can be dangerous when dealing with an animal invasion. These Ron Rivera-Mike Shula cats don't really bite, though. Circle home.
Chargers (+7.5) over EAGLES
Chip Kelly's offense this and Chip Kelly's offense that. It's the oop-dee-oop. Can Chip Kelly's offense be faster than it was last Monday night? Chip Kelly thinks so. But can Chip Kelly's offense be faster than a lightning bolt charging in, all re-charged after taking its second half off to catch some much needed Zs? Chip Kelly's offense by only seven. Show Mike.
Cowboys (+2.5) over CHIEFS
Houston is a popular city in Texas about 200 miles south of Dallas, a nice separation between two very popular cities. Inside the rabid Arrowhead Stadium on Sunday, Houston's going to be all up in Dallas' business. I'm talking about the AFC's Defensive Player of the Week, Justin Houston. Heh. I still think the Cowboys find a way out of KC at 2-0.
Okay, okay, enough...
COLTS (-3) over Dolphins
I'm not so sure Ryan "One Tree" Tannehill can throw it that far, but he really should have no problem picking on the Colts' secondary. I still think the Colts cover.
TEXANS* (-8.5) over Titans
After putting Terrible Towels in often terribly smelling places last week, the Titans are in for a rude awakening if they think they're legit. Oh, and "That's My Boy" acting star Vanilla Ice is performing at halftime. Easy win for the Texans.
PACKERS (-7) over Redskins
The Packers' website recently released a list of "10 things to beat the Redskins" and one of them is "Get a lead." Well, that is important, and it will happen.
Browns (+6.5) over RAVENS
Joe Flacco's the kind of guy who I imagine would run into a blazing fire just to save his tweezers. Apropos to nothing really. Dawgs win and last year's Super Bowl winners send everyone into a frenzy over their 0-2 start.
BEARS (-6.5) over Vikings
What's left to Christian Ponder, kemosabe? The results are in. He sucks and is covered in honey.
Saints (-3) over BUCCANEERS
The only way the Bucs stop the Saints is if they shoot the touchdown canon at Drew Brees. That'll be its only use. Greg Schiano has reportedly already lost his team and you know it's gotten really bad when Shaun King is talking shit.
Lions (-1) over CARDINALS
Can't get enough hip hop...
Joique Bell's from Detroit, you know.
RAIDERS (-6) over Jaguars
HERE IT IS. THE FIRST OF THE YEAR:
GIANTS (+5) over Broncos
Two Mannings, One Game. All in on the Man-ning Cave and proud parents week.
49ers (+3) over SEAHAWKS
Manning Bowls, Harbaugh Bowls and Harbaugh-Carroll Brawls. I want to see Harbaugh go into Carroll's house, tell his team to "come with some knuckles" this time and see how it works out. 49ers rhymes with avengers.
BENGALS (-7) over Steelers
Jon Gruden might make you think he loves A.J. Green more than Calvin Johnson after this game, but rest assured he loves everybody the same and will try to be fair with everyone's stockings on Christmas. In which week will the Steelers finally surpass 100 yards rushing? At their current pace, Week 4. I'll say Week 3. Seems like forever ago they had Jerome Bettis. (He's from Detroit, you know.) In April, Bettis said he thinks the NFL is devaluing the running back position. Nope, that's just the Steelers.
Season (last week): 7-8-1 (7-8-1)
* denotes tease (+14) (4-0 = winning week; 1-0 this year)
KDawg: 6-9-1 (6-9-1)
What do you got this week? Leave your picks and commentary in the comments below.