So this song is pretty relevant to the Detroit Lions lately, huh? I changed some of the lyrics to make it relevant to making picks, which are a real fickle b, too. They'll go over better if you have the song playing while you read them... I think.
So screw the picker. Who cares about the picker? But I pick the games, and I pray they go right. If they do, the readers say good job, Mr. Picker. They don't even know my name; it's Brian Warren Pacanowski, not Junior. But that's the life I live... lonesome pickerrrrrrrrrrrrr. Another lost spread. And everybody blames me. But it was Jake Locker, probable and didn't play. Why can't they seeeeeee?
See Jerome Bettis in that video?!? Hey, did you know he's from Detroit?
Some picks to stew over while you ice your foot and eat your cold fries:
Colts (-3) over TEXANS
Arian Foster was too busy complaining about the short week to be ready for this one. Andre Johnson is also on the old(er) side and probably not going to repeat his three-touchdown performance from last year. Colts take control of the AFC South.
Patriots (-3) over BILLS
Another matchup of 3-2 teams battling for first place in their respective division. I'm so mad at the Bills right now, so I just hope Billy B and Tommy B go into Buffalo and steal their lunch money.
Panthers (+6.5) over BENGALS
The Bengals will likely be without A.J. Green due to a toe. Reporters actually say stuff like that. I know; it's short form. But he has a toe injury. It still sounds weak, but at least the "injury" part adds some reasonableness to it. Am I alone here?
BROWNS (-1.5) over Steelers
The Browns' 25-point comeback last week was the biggest road comeback in NFL history. I feel like that didn't get talked about enough this past week. Brian Hoyer outdoes his fellow Sparty, Le'Veon Bell, this week.
Jaguars (+6) over TITANS
This one will probably burn me, but the Jaguars have a running back named Storm Johnson. It's a-coming.
Packers (-3.5) over DOLPHINS
Knowshon Moreno's potential return won't be enough. They would need Dan Marino.
VIKINGS (+1.5) over Lions
I learned my lesson: I'm just going to go back to picking against the Lions. I'll take the red X here if it means the Lions win.
Broncos (-9.5) over JETS
Eric Decker, that handsome sunuvagun, is going to gaze across the field and really wish he was smart enough to have begged to stay in Denver. Eric Decker is not very smart. The Jets are an absolute mess.
BUCS (+3) over Ravens
Lovie Smith's defensive prowess has led to the Bucs giving up 31.5 points per game, second worst in the NFL! So what am I doing? If they can cut down on the penalties, they've actually played quite well the past two weeks.
RAIDERS (+7) over Chargers
Can I have some more running backs please? The Chargers are down to Branden Oliver at the running back position after their latest injury there. Get it??? I actually like the Raiders to compete in this one.
Bears (+3) over FALCONS
The Bears head down Interstate 85 (after they probably went back to Chicago) for this one. I honestly can't believe the Falcons are favored. Bears even up their record.
Redskins (+3.5) over CARDINALS
As of writing this, the Cardinals have no idea who their quarterback will be on Sunday. That means I have no idea why I'm picking the Redskins to cover. Sparty on, I guess.
SEAHAWKS (-8) over Cowboys
I could see this going in the Cowboys' favor, but the Seahawks are just too damn good right now. I would love to see a Dez Bryant vs. Richard Sherman matchup, though. Thank you.
EAGLES (-3) over Giants
I definitely did not expect the Giants to have a potential shot at first place after their first two showings, but it's true; they have a shot. They'll blow it, though. The Giants need to pump the brakes a little bit so they can sneak into the playoffs and then go on to win the Super Bowl.
49ers (-3.5) over RAMS
This will be much like last week's Monday night game. The Rams will threaten to keep it close and the 49ers will pull away because they're simply a better team.
Last week: 9-6
POD PICK'EM STANDINGS: