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There's no real reason you're here to read the recap. There's nothing to be recapped. You're not here to read about a free shot down the field, the only one that Stafford made work, to Corey Fuller and the subsequent pass to Theo Riddick for a touchdown.

There's no reason to explain the ensuing collapse, an explosion to rival Tunguska. I had started writing an article about an expected regression from Matthew Stafford on Friday with hopes that I'd have a chance to put it out there Monday. I have to seriously reconsider what I'm doing with that because in all honesty it's the most obvious thing to write now. He got benched for Dan Orlovsky. Dan Orlovsky! The only reason he was brought back by the Lions was to be used as a teaching tool, a trophy, a scar carried in memory of a dark, unspeakable age.

That same scabbed-over wound got a standing ovation from the Ford Field crowd.

Here's your first half recap if you really want it, courtesy of ESPN's play-by-play:

There should be another fumble in there but Ameer Abdullah - who was compared in the preseason to Barry Sanders by Jets head coach Todd Bowles because this is a statement that could only be made by the head coach of the New York Jets - was saved by the referees, who quickly looked over at Caldwell and said "yeah we're good for Seattle now right?" and shot double finger-guns at him.

Here's the recap for the second half: Dan Orlovsky replaced Matthew Stafford at quarterback.

If there was a special teams play that did not result in a penalty please let me know. I did not see it.

There's no real quick fix to this. Firing the whole staff Sunday, Monday, Tuesday or next week will not save anything. It is, captain, highly illogical. It will not restore power to the engines in time to keep the U.S.S. Detroit from crashing into the planet's crust. Starships just weren't made to operate in atmospheric conditions. There's no way to bring it up.

In the third quarter, Matt Prater kicked the saddest field goal ever conceived from 40 yards out. This cut Arizona's lead to 25 points.

Likewise there's no real explanation how this team went to the playoffs and turned around to do...this. Even those postulating regression for the Detroit Lions could not have foretold a collapse at this level. 0-5 always seemed acceptable in a grim future, but the manner of which one has arrived at this conclusion is...illuminating. Let's go with illuminating.

Bruce Arians played Drew Stanton in the fourth quarter in Detroit because he could. This unbelievably savage move designed to firmly end any resistance held by Michigan sports fans was met with applause by those who remained in Ford Field.

Go home. Hug your loved ones. Play outside in the crisp evening air of autumn. Have some food. Smile. Play that album you really love on your turntable. Pet your cat. Netflix and chill. Remind yourself that football is not all in life. We're only here to live this story over again and again.

Like the Doctor on Voyager, we only ask that you deactivate this program before you leave.

We'll see you back here next week.

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After winning their first NFC North title in 30 years, the Lions have unfinished business this offseason. Stay updated with Jeremy Reisman through Pride of Detroit Direct, our newsletter offering up exclusive analysis. Sign up with NFCNORTH30 to get 30% off after your free trial.