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Detroit Lions fan fiction: Lions win shootout over Vikings 42-38

The Detroit Lions aren't winning many games, so let's pretend they are.

Raj Mehta-USA TODAY Sports

Welcome to Detroit Lions fan fiction. Since the Detroit Lions are in the midst of a terrible, depressing season, it's time to lighten things up around here. For the rest of the season, any time the Lions lose a game, I will write up a fictionalized recap of the game, painting a picture of a reality in which the Lions were victorious. Since I know a lot of fans are checking out for the rest of the season, why not check in here on Mondays and pretend you live in a fantasy world in which the Lions are a great franchise. And don't worry, unlike most fan fiction, there will be no Rule 34'ing here.

The Detroit Lions stun the Minnesota Vikings, 42-38

The Detroit Lions' offense sprung into action quickly on Sunday and never gave up. Bolstered by a big 54-yard reception from Calvin Johnson, the Lions scored less than four minutes into the game. On their next possession, they drove another 80-yards for a quick score. With two perfect drives in the first quarter, had the Lions' offensive problems been permanently fixed? Detroit responded to that question with an unmistakable "yes."

After the Vikings drew closer with a touchdown, the Lions offense took the field for their third possession of the game. Matthew Stafford hadn't thrown an incompletion the entire first quarter, and he wouldn't throw one for the rest of the game. Stafford drove the Lions another 85 yards in just seven plays, all passes to Theo Riddick, who broke the NFL record with 35 receptions on the day.

However, the defense could not stop Teddy Bridgewater and the Vikings offense. The teams traded touchdowns for the next several possessions and were tied 28-28 at halftime.

Bridgewater continued his dominance into the second half. He had thrown touchdowns on four straight possessions until the game was temporarily stopped with 1:52 remaining in the third quarter. At that moment, Rashean Mathis reached into his pants and literally pulled out a white flag. Mathis then went over to the sideline, grabbed the mic from Theo "Gridiron" Spight and announced his retirement.

After 30 minutes of cake, ice cream and 15 rounds of "He's a jolly good fellow" choruses, the two teams retook the field. On the very next play, Mathis' replacement, Nevin Lawson, took a Bridgewater pass the other way for a 70-yard pick-six, tieing the game up at 35.

The fourth quarter was eerily silent from both teams' offenses. The Vikings pulled ahead with a record-breaking 75-yard field goal, after Blair Walsh had inexplicably missed field goals of 28, 31, and 22 yards earlier in the game.

Detroit immediately drove the ball down field, but didn't put up any points after Jim Caldwell's shocking decision to punt from the Vikings' 31-yard line on second down. After the game, Caldwell explained his decision: "Every game situation is different."

The Vikings next drive stalled after Haloti Ngata picked up his sixth sack of the day, and the stage was set for the Lions' offense to win the game: down 38-35 with just 1:11 remaining.

The drive was off to a terrible start, as Stafford was sacked on the very first play. Joe Lombardi had dialed up a strange-looking play in which the offensive linemen immediately ran into the secondary, while the receivers darted inside to try and block the defensive linemen. The Lions were called for four penalties on that play.

But Stafford quickly rebounded, completing passes of 24, 13 and 33- all jump balls to Calvin Johnson. The Lions only had time for one more play from the Vikings' 29-yard line. With Ford Field unable to contain themselves from excitement, Stafford placed his hands over his helmet's earholes and listened for the final play call. He looked up into the Lions' coordinator booth and locked eyes with Lombardi. After an intense moment, Stafford laughed and turned to the huddle. "Screw this, fellas, we're going rogue," the FOX microphones picked up as Matthew leaned in toward his teammates. Stafford then pressed a button on his helmet and a tinted visor drew over his eyes. His entire face was obscured, except for his ear-to-ear smile. Then he threw a touchdown to Calvin over five defenders.

As Detroit celebrated their second-consecutive win, they carried offensive coordinator Joe Lombardi on their shoulders into the tunnel. They carried him all the way outside the stadium, where thousands of fans were all waiting. They all walked together, as confetti rained from the heavens, to the nearest dumpster and unloaded Lombardi inside.

The Lions are now 2-5 on the season.