Week 5 NFL picks against the spread: Xs and Os, baby

I don't want to talk about it, what happened last week. I'd rather not re-live it and have the scabs pulled bloody. All I know is that the Lions are (redacted), Joe Lombardi might not know what he's talking about -- you know? -- and the Staffords have better Xs and Os in their text messages. (Golden Tate nods approvingly.)

Speaking of which, who is Stafford more annoyed with right now? Lombardi, his offensive line, his wife for posting a private text message, Martha Ford, or the petty NFL for fining him for his blue cleats after bungling that---okay, I said I wouldn't get into it. So many options, so little time--sacked. I would've added Ron Jaworski, but that emojiing blowhard goes beyond annoyance.

Here are my picks, baby:

TEXANS (off) over Colts

This will be Matt Hasselbeck's flu game. Unfortunately, that's not a good thing.

Redskins (+7.5) over FALCONS

I will be attending a wedding with the Redskins' o-coordinator in a couple weeks. I will probably have one too many and, with my pregnant wife tugging at my arm, ask him if he will please take over coordinating for the Lions, and I might mean it.

BENGALS (-2.5) over Seahawks

The Bengals are looking for a statement win and it'll all be in name only. The Seahawks have simply not played well yet this season.

Rams (+9) over PACKERS

Todd Gurley cover.

Bills (-2.5) over TITANS

Last week, I knew the Patriots were on a bye and one other team was, too. I looked at the rest of the NFL schedule to try and figure out who the other bye was and it took me, a Lions fan, way too much time to realize the Titans exist.

CHIEFS (-9) over Bears

The Chiefs have had three tough games in a row and I hope they're as equally mad at the Bears as I am for ruining the 0fer5 Bowl next week.

EAGLES (-4.5) over Saints

Chip Kelly admits that the sun sets in the West, makes Sam Bradford take reps with the practice squat team all week. Yes, squat.

Jaguars (+2.5) over BUCCANEERS

Florida Puke Game of the Week. Let's not leave out Miami in this:

RAVENS (-6.5) over Browns

John Harbaugh got his team ready during the extra long week by ...

talking postgame about helping his brother during #Michigan's win over Maryland - http://t.co/6Q3DFmDlTE pic.twitter.com/CrkLS7crfF

— Sam Webb (@SamWebb77) October 4, 2015

Cardinals (-2.5) over LIONS

I heard she chewed them out so good her teeth fell out.

0-5.

COWBOYS (+8.5) over Patriots

98% of the money is on the Patriots. This game is presented by DraftKings unless it's FanDuel.

RAIDERS (+5) over Broncos

Al Davis died on this day four years ago. That's of zero consequence to this game; that's just a fact.

49ers (+7) over GIANTS

I might be sweating this pick like Jim Tomsula in 60 degree weather with a pinch of Skoal in my lip.

CHARGERS (-3) over Steelers

Last Week:  5-10, struggle

SEASON: Scroll down... keep scrolling... keep scrolling... there I am:

JonnieT and Scriggl each have 35 wins, but JT has 25 losses while Scriggl has obviously made the mistake of picking all of the games and has 28 losses. Good job, guys.

If picking all of the games against the spread isn't your thing, let me know if you're interested in starting a midseason FourPlay Football league. You pick 4 games each week with a teased spread, +14 in your favor. It's a Detroit-based start up so be a part of something local.  Also, ask me about becoming a Guru (to replace me)!