As we bring the first round of the tournament to a close, let us remember those names that were unfortunately bounced in the first round. Poor Larry Warford, who was upset by a flood of late-arriving Joseph Fauria lovers. Roy Philon, whose anonymity overshadowed his fun-to-say last name. And the many casualties of the brutal Take the Wind Region. They will be missed.
The Learn the F****** Rules Region promises to be more forgiving than the preceding region. But it also has a few candidates who could very well run the table.
1 Golden Tate vs. 16 Travis Lewis
Golden Tate is just one of those names that fits so perfectly together that it almost seems too obvious. Golden is obviously a brilliant first name, and the last name of Tate sounds like a noun of some sort, maybe shorthand for potato, or something. However, "tate" is not a real word. BUT, the top definition of "tate" on Urban Dictionary is, AND I QUOTE:
the most balllin mutherfucker ever
Your honor, I rest my case.
8 Tyrunn Walker vs. 9 Phillip Hunt
New edition Tyrunn Walker enters the tournament with a strong bid. The unique spelling of Tyrunn gives him some bonus points, and Walker puts him in some pretty good company, including Herschel, Paul and Texas Ranger.
Phillip Hunt is also a solid name. I like Phillip because it looks like a palindrome but isn't. Combined with Hunt (a funny last name for obvious reasons), it sounds like "filla punt." I like that.
5 Emil Igwenagu vs. 12 Jeremy Ross
If you are fan of pronouncing vowels -- and who isn't -- you're going to love Emil Igwenagu! That is an extremely fun name to say, and to tell you the truth, I'm having a tough time typing the sentence because I keep saying the name over and over again.
That being said, Jeremy Ross has the best first name in the tournament, so he should win.
4 Mohammed Seisay vs. 13 Darren Keyton
As McLovin would tell you, Mohammed is the most common name on Earth. So Mohammed Seisay doesn't really bring it with his first name, even if it's somewhat rare for a football player. However, "Seisay" is where he really earns his four seed. It's a last name that I have never heard before, and it is an absolute pleasure to say. It's very sing-songy by nature, and I like how it contrasts with his first name.
Darren Keyton isn't too interesting of a name, but it makes me imagine an enormous key that weighs a ton, and that's pretty cool.
6 Glover Quin vs. 11 Jerrell Harris
Glover is just an awesome name all around. It's Danny Glover's last name. It reminds me of Grover. The only way it could be better is if he played baseball instead of football. Quin is just enough to not be ordinary, but too little to overshadow the greatness that is Glover.
If you're a fan of Rs, Jerrell Harris is your man of the tournament. Jerrell is a solid first name with the double Rs and the double Ls, but there's not much there outside of that.
3 Haloti Ngata vs. 14 Julian Stanford
I tried to avoid saying this during the entire tournament, but Ndamukong Suh may have been the favorite to win this tournament had he not signed with Miami. However, his replacement, Haloti Ngata, could very well have a deep run in the tournament. Haloti is a vowel adventure. Ngata sounds like something it doesn't look like at all and makes me think of "Office Space."
Julian Stanford is another one of those names that strangely sounds British. It desperately needs an "esquire" or "the third" at the end of it. It's a fine name, but will it get past the first round? Ngata chance.
7 Eric Ebron vs. 10 Caraun Reid
Eric Ebron sounds like a superhero alter ego. The alliteration really helps, and Ebron sounds a bit otherworldly. Also, if you add an L it makes Lebron, so that's something.
The name Caraun Reid has all of the originality with none of the flash. It just makes me think of a caravan and an oboe. I think Ebron pulls away in this matchup, but he's not the most popular guy on the team, so Caraun has a chance.
2 Theo Riddick vs. 15 Kerry Hyder
My obsession with Theo Riddick is well-documented. A big part of my affinity for him is his fantastic name. I first fell in love with the name Theo during the show Road Rules, when the slack-jawed Theo Von stole nearly every scene he was in. Riddick is a great following act to Theo, both because it can lead to Riddick-ulous puns and because of "The Chronicles of Riddick."
I don't really know who Kerry Hyder is, but he probably deserves a higher seed than 15. It won't matter, though, because Theo Riddick is already thinking about his second-round matchup.