The first part of the second round of the Best Detroit Lions Name Tournament saw two mighty three seeds fall (Tahir Whitehead and Taylor Boggs). While I may not agree with some of these choices, I respect the process enough to accept my fate. The NCAA tournament doesn't always find the best team in college basketball, but it is always entertaining. That being said, let's turn to the right side of the bracket:
1 Joique Bell vs. 9 DeAndre Levy
Part 2 of this round kicks off with a brutal matchup between two fan favorites. Joique Bell quickly disposed of the punter in the first round, 93-7. DeAndre Levy insulted my seeding by easily eliminating the higher-seeded Darryl Tapp, 81-19.
This week, DeAndre Levy pulled a stunt that can only be interpreted as a viral campaign to win this tournament. While I am flattered by this gesture, Levy, I still have a hard time giving you the edge over Joique. Perhaps the only way Joique Bell's name could be improved is if we find out his middle name is Stringer. DeAndre Levy is a fine name and an even more interesting person. But this is a bracket for names, and Joique is just too pleasant of a name to be the first one seed eliminated.
5 Skye Dawson vs. 4 LaAdrian Waddle
Now we're talking. This is going to be a classic shootout between two high-powered names. Skye Dawson scooted into the second round after a comfortable victory over Devin Taylor, 83-17. The name Skye Dawson is just so versatile. It could be a porn star. It could be a game show host. It could be a crayon color. I'm still not 100% sure who Skye Dawson is, but I know he's got a fantastic name.
LaAdrian Waddle was the inspiration for this tournament. While I think his tournament bid in the official 2015 Name of the Year bracket was unwarranted (he was rightfully bounced in the first round by Lancelot Supersad Jr.), it is hard to argue that his name isn't impressive. The word Waddle brings out the five-year-old in all of us, and that can't be a bad thing.
11 Cornelius Lucas vs. 3 Crezdon Butler
Cornelius Lucas is playing with a chip on his shoulder after I mistakenly underseeded him. He upset special teams hero Don Muhlbach in impressive fashion, 62-38. Here's a fun fact about the name Cornelius: It is the birth name of legendary actor/curmudgeon Chevy Chase. In fact, his birth name is Cornelius Crane Chase, which is so, so much better than Chevy Chase.
Crezdon Butler has no one famous who shares his name. When you Google the name Crezdon, it is only followed by Butler through the first 10 pages. That sort of uniqueness is what this tournament is all about. Crezdon had no problem sending Jordan Thompson home, embarrassing him 94-6. I think he'll soon send Lucas home too, but it's a much bigger challenge this round.
7 Kyle Van Noy vs. 2 Darius Slay
Despite his association with the name Kyle Vanden Bosch, Kyle Van Noy eased his way through the first round, taking down Stephen Tulloch, 79-21. Van Noy is the kind of name that opponents may overlook. There's not a lot of flash or pun potential, but it's just a very smooth name. It just gets the fundamentals right. As opposed to...
Darius slayed poor Calvin Johnson in the first round, 87-13. Yes, I will be using that pun every time that Darius Slay advances, and no, I will not be apologizing for it. One thing I like about the name Darius Slay is that I imagine him always walking around with a fencing sword. I want to remake The Princess Bride with him in it. "My name is Darius Slay. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
1 Golden Tate vs. 8 Tyrunn Walker
The "most ballin mutherf****** ever" lived up to his name in the first round, handing out the biggest victory of the tournament, 99-1, over Travis Lewis. I felt like my discovery of this Urban Dictionary definition may have unfairly tipped the scales in Golden's favor in the first round. In an effort to tip the scales back, I would also like to remind you that Tate sounds very much like the word "taint." I would highly suggest not looking up the word taint on Urban Dictionary.
Tyrunn Walker calmly edged Phillip Hunt in the first round, 76-24. It was the least exciting matchup of the first round, as neither name really brought it. The more I analyze the name Tyrunn Walker, the more it sounds like a person in a nursing home. Someone get Tyrunn Walker some Jello, he almost has bingo and doesn't want to get up.
5 Emil Igwenagu vs. 4 Mohammed Seisay
Emil Igwenagu pleased the crowd by disposing of the new-found villain Jeremy Ross, 86-14. While you hate to see a fellow Jeremy get laughed off the court, it only strengthens my case for Best Jeremy (you're next, Roenick). The name Emil comes from the Latin name Aemilius, which is one of the earliest ruling families in ancient Rome. That shouldn't swing your vote one way or another, but now you've learned something today.
Mohammed Seisay strolled his way into the second round with an easy victory over Darren Keyton, 83-17. Seisay continues to be one of the names in this tournament that I can't stop saying. It gets stuck in your head like a Katy Perry song, desperately trying to convince you that it's actually good. I don't know if I like the name, but it definitely has a hypnotizing ring to it.
6 Glover Quin vs. 3 Haloti Ngata
Here is another matchup that promises to entertain. Both names dominated their first matchup (Glover: 94-6, Ngata: 97-3). Both men are well-liked defensive players who happen to be good at their jobs. Haloti Ngata has the advantage of being a new Lion and having an exotic-sounding name. But Glover Quin brings proven Lions experience and a name that looks deceivingly normal while being anything but. I think Haloti will pull away just for the uniqueness, but this should be a close one.
10 Caraun Reid vs. 2 Theo Riddick
Caraun Reid advanced after Pride Of Detroit's most controversial decision to send Eric Ebron packing. I don't have an answer as to why, but here's how y'all justified that pick:
Whatever, man. #JusticeForEbron.
The first-round victory for Reid will be short-lived, because Theo Riddick is coming for him after destroying Kerry Hyder, 89-11. And just on cue, the Theo Riddick Offseason Hype Train has left the station.