The DeAndre Levy rumors: a primer

The news around DeAndre Levy's injury and lack of practice (hip) would be, in most realms of reality, a relatively sane, clear-cut injury to handle. Note it down from the official injury report; file, report, get some coffee and call it a day. But on Friday a gear slipped and introduced a strange terrifying twist to what is now being referred to as a "story." That means we're here, discussing what rumors are right, who hasn't given the right answer to media inquiries and all the fearful vistas of possible realities stretch before the mind's eye of the fan.

So let's find out what's going on and why this is probably Jeremy Reisman's fault.

Let's start with the facts, as Joe Friday always urged; he seemed like a swell fellow after all. Rising star linebacker DeAndre Levy has not practiced since Aug. 24. Levy has missed the NFL season opener against San Diego, and it seems likely that he will miss time against the Minnesota Vikings on Sunday.

After this, we get into the myriad of possibilities that lay before us in this vast universe. Let's take a look at all the options, I'll give you the chances that a given choice might be true and you, the reader, can decide. How exciting! Let's start.

Hip strain

This is probably true; concerns have arisen that the injury may be internal in nature, which would make the matter far more serious than thought. Despite this, word on Levy's injury remains hard to come by when approaching official sources, and for now Levy remains off the Injured Reserve. Coach Jim Caldwell has been evasive about answering the matter.

This is where the fun comes in. Coaches are notorious for this. To be a football coach you must be able to approach the media and answer questions from the media, but you cannot give away any information to the media. The media is your enemy. Loose lips sink ships. This catch-22 is the directive of Jim Caldwell, who is notorious in his ways to dig up non-answers, evasive responses and fan-endearing coachspeak buzzwords. In this manner, Caldwell did exactly what he has been programmed to do since Wake Forest. I speak with experience as a dropout of such university, the people in Winston-Salem really know how to code this stuff.

But yes, DeAndre Levy is suffering from a hip strain. His agent has checked off on this, it's on the medical reports and at this point it's hard in every sane universe to not see this as the case. If it happens to be something else I will eat a delicious roast beef sandwich on the next PODcast.

Origin of rumor: The injury report.

Chance to be true: 95% (The other 5% is because I really like roast beef and would totally not mind eating a sandwich)

Chilean parasite

This story was invented by an internet troll with a blog and isn't true at all.

Really, I'm kind of angry at Jeremy. When he was seeing who would take this particular assignment, I took this under the impression that there was an actual news source to the "Chilean parasite" theory. I'm writing here to tell you that such a presumption was wrong. Dead wrong. Now, I don't blame Jeremy for this; after all, countless beat writers ran with it after Jim Caldwell gave one of his famous non-answered to the question as it was posed, somehow, at a press conference on Friday. I don't even blame the reporter who asked it; in this business there's always a couple of overworked individuals who miss a beat and don't bother to check if the headwaters of a story actually happens to be not a lush spring but a drainage pipe from a nuclear power plant.

The reason -- the primary reason, the only reason, really -- why this is even being entertained is the aforementioned cascade of bad information, an infection in the Age of Information combined with the non-answer given to this assumption by Jim Caldwell. Unfortunately the Old Gold & Black did their job too well in imparting wisdom of the non-answer technique. Rather than completely dismissing the issue (as Levy's agent later did) Caldwell simply stated that he does not address rumors or innuendo.

This would have been an acceptable response to a ridiculous story in a more sane universe, perhaps five years ago before the closure of such. In this nega-verse we currently inhabit, the non-answer is instead some indicator to the depraved that this might be true. "Gotta hear both sides."

Origin of rumor: No one important.

Chance to be true: negative-20%

Injuries sustained from a rabid raccoon

Likely to have occurred on the trip back from Chile, or perhaps before the trip to Chile. In my depraved search for any truth to the original story of the Chilean parasite I found an inordinate number of people apparently upset that Levy would go and do things that were exciting and fun in Chile, like flying upside down out of a biplane.

That sounds cool as hell.

The hand-wringing about what a football player does with his actual life is rather confounding. It's also nonsensical, because there's plenty of places to get hurt right here in the United States of America. For instance, rabid raccoons when you just want to take the garbage out at 4 in the morning. Those stinkers have chompers and they'll get you square on the hip if you're not careful.

Origin of rumor: Personal experience.

Chance to be true: 42%

A tumor or a schist [sic] or something

From our Facebook page:

Sure, why not? Has the same authority as the parasite scoop.

Origin of rumor: Facebook, where your uncle is right now posting another racist screed about "Obummer" (He still thinks that's witty in 2015).

Chance to be true: 23%

MRSA

I mean this actually happened with other NFL teams. We don't need to invent a "Chilean parasite" when there's horrible flesh-eating bacteria not a year removed from Tampa's locker rooms. I still don't know what a Chilean parasite is, either. It's South America, not Ceti Alpha V.

Origin of rumor: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

Chance to be true: 4%

Kneecapped by underworld Boston bookies

Dammit Levy I told you not to bet everything on NCAA basketball. Purdue +5 was never going to get you any value.

Origin of rumor: My cousin Tommy up in Queens heard this from a guy who knows a guy.

Chance to be true: 10%

Aliens

I'm reporting from an anonymous source that DeAndre Levy is being controlled by a body snatcher. The alien has no knowledge of our sport and it is currently preparing to play in the National Football League at Area 51, once the league confirms he's no longer draft-eligible. He should be ready by week 4, and at that time I suggest starting Lions DS/T for your fantasy roster because boy that alien's got wings and teeth. Everyone not named Ed Hochuli will be too scared to throw a personal conduct flag on him when he eats the fullback.

This fantasy content is sponsored by our good friends at FanDuel.

Origin of rumor: Multiple sources.

Chance to be true: 30%

Jeremy Reisman's jersey curse

In case you're not aware, Jeremy Reisman has a DeAndre Levy jersey, and as with all jerseys Jeremy happens to own, misfortune and chaos is rained down upon the Lion in question. This theory has been covered in detail and has a lot of modern science standing behind it (far more than the idiotic Chilean parasite story) and I feel comfortable running this story not only as a possibility, but as fact. Jeremy, we all love the Lions here, but this is becoming problematic.

Things will be okay once you give up your destructive habit. There's plenty of Honolulu blue attire out there that doesn't come in the form of a player jersey. Plus, those things are really expensive; think about how much money you could be saving!

Origin of rumor: Nate Washuta.

Chance to be true: 200%