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Panic! Everything that can and will go wrong in Lions vs. Bears

Rivalries bring out the best in pain and fear.

NFL: Detroit Lions at Chicago Bears Matt Marton-USA TODAY Sports

There’s a lot that can go wrong this week. Primordially speaking, the Bears are a mistake. In the correct timeline, the Cardinals are the team we’re supposed to be fighting. Chicago is a mistake. Illinois is a mistake, multiplied by the will of countless antediluvian horrors like the Blagojeviches and the Daleys and the Lorimers. Their bloodlines all copulated with deathless amphibian creatures from Lake Michigan and you cannot tell me otherwise. Chicago is all wrong, cosmically wrong. The stars are not right over that town. The pizza is not pizza. It’s extremely delicious, but it’s not pizza.

But on more mundane spheres of reality, there’s more reason to panic about the Lions taking on the Bears. Sure, all of us at Pride Of Detroit are predicting a slam dunk to varying degrees for Detroit’s finest, but we’re not Hannibal and our plans don’t always come together. With that in mind, let’s evaluate what can, might and most certainly will go wrong on Sunday.

All scenarios are graded on how intense of a panic their occurrence should cause. Rank S+ is “M*** M***** is hired as assistant general manager.”

Lose the game to the Bears

Grade S. No. We cannot lose this.

#WeOwnTheBears gets co-opted by other teams

Grade A+. It would seem that “Detroit vs. Everybody” has been co-opted by several other cities; it was only a matter of time before a catchy little phrase and a chip on the shoulder got snatched away. Now you can expect every metropolis that scares absolutely no one to visit and faces no stigma whatsoever for its civic condition, with sports teams no one generally has problems with, suddenly sporting shirts indicating the world is arrayed against them. Who the hell hates Toronto? Snowed-in dipshits living in Regina?

Anyway, we here at Pride Of Detroit created a wonderful tradition in #WeOwnTheBears and if the Patriots decide to swipe it to lord over the Bills even more, we’re not going to be having it.

Jeremy Langford returns to the field unexpectedly and runs for 300 yards

Rank B+. Alex, Ryan, you know what you did.

Joique Bell runs for 100 yards

Rank C.

Joique Bell runs for 200 yards

Rank B+. Y’all really want to break Jeremy’s heart now.

Brian Hoyer looks like a competent quarterback against the Lions defense

Rank B. It’s not liable to happen but it could given how banged up the defense is. Either way though, you really don’t want to make Hoyer look competent. It only ends in pain for everyone involved.

Matthew Stafford gets picked off 3 times

Rank B-. Boy it’d probably be bad if we started talking about Matt being elite right before Tracy Porter picked him off repeatedly.

The Bears score via multiple safeties

Rank D. This would actually be funny.

Theo Riddick gets hurt

Rank A-. The run game is already pretty well gone but buddy, we’re going to make this bum-search for a running back even more ridiculous.

Mike Ditka’s jacket opens up another button on Sunday NFL Countdown

Rank A. We might not make it out alive.

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After winning their first NFC North title in 30 years, the Lions have unfinished business this offseason. Stay updated with Jeremy Reisman through Pride of Detroit Direct, our newsletter offering up exclusive analysis. Sign up with NFCNORTH30 to get 30% off after your free trial.