Fantasy football: ‘Hey kids, take my advice’ on the best lineup in DFS for Week 7

Monday marked a momentous occasion in American pop culture history: it was the 16th anniversary of the seminal release of Limp Bizkit’s Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water. Nothing about music has been quite the same since Fred Durst and his band took everything you loved about nu metal and hip-hop, stripped it of any substance, put it into a blender with a splash of hot dog flavored water and created some of the most time-specific music to ever push a million copies in its first week on shelves—it’s the fastest-selling rock album of all-time since Nielsen SoundScan started tracking record sales in 1991.

While there’s nothing noteworthy, groundbreaking or genuine about their music, nostalgia is a powerful temptress, and when she shuffles ‘Break Stuff’ into your workout mix, my suggestion is to keep your distance.*

*Editor’s note: this might not be the only reference to a Limp Bizkit album not named Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water. It’s impossible to talk about the band without exhausting their entire catalogue full of Durst’s self-described “Hella mic skills.”

But here’s the reason why Limp Bizkit has endured the test of time: because it is the test of time. It’s a constant reminder that no matter your feelings about what music is on the radio, it isn’t quite what it was like in the year 2000. Lions fans, you remember that year, don’t you? Bobby Ross started the season 5-4, Gary Moeller finished the season 4-3, the Lions finished fourth in the NFC Central and the team has only had two winning seasons since. I’m not saying that Limp Bizkit’s third studio album sent the Lions into a funk, but hey, the ghost of Bobby Layne is still supposedly haunting this team, right?

So this article isn’t dedicated to the band that sent mainstream rock music into dormancy at the turn of the century. No, it’s dedicated to Ben Stiller, the band’s favorite... err, actor. But it’s all about fantasy football.

Take a Look Around at Week 6

But first things first, as far as quarterbacks and running backs go, I hit the nail on the head with a few suggestions I made in last week’s article. Drew Brees (1st), Marcus Mariota (3rd), LeSean McCoy (2nd) and Lamar Miller (4th) were all well worth more than their price tag. Coby Fleener (2nd) was the only primarily pass-catching option worth playing from my recommendations, but the grass could be greener, and it will always will be greener on the other side, but you just never know: this could be the one. Alright, partner, keep on rollin’ baby, you know what time it is; here’s the best lineup a Three Dollar Bill can buy, y’all:

Getcha Groove On: “I always keep it true, and that’s exactly what I do, it’s what I do”

It’s beginning to become that time of the year when we can start feeling confident in our assessments of who teams are and what they can and can’t do. Here’s your quarterback—the realest dude from around the way—worth starting in Week 7:

Kirk Cousins at $7,300

Biggie said the sky was the limit, but it’s the outer dimensions of our galaxy which are the limits for Cousins this week when Washington comes to Ford Field to play the Lions. If you’re a quarterback, and you’re playing the Lions’ 2016 defense, there’s a good-to-great chance that you’re going to have one of the best games of your career, and I’m running out of clauses to break up these links, but this one right here should do enough convincing for you to play Cousins this week.

Full Nelson: “Does anybody really know a thing about me?””

Jamaal Charles at $6,800

Jacquizz Rodgers at $5,600

What do we know about either of these backs? Last week, OC Brad Childress said that the Chiefs would “sprinkle” in Charles “where [the team] felt he was most effective”, and now Andy Reid is saying that Charles still isn’t ready for an every-down role. On just nine carries and two targets, Charles was able to gain 33 yards on the ground and 14 yards on two receptions. He did get in the end zone in Week 6, so that did make him a solid RB2 in most formats, but I think the Kansas City running back is going to see even more work this week against a New Orleans defense—32nd in the NFL against opposing running backs—that has surrendered points by the bucket load to opposing running backs: almost 11 more fantasy points than the NFL average.

After Doug Martin experienced a setback in his rehab from a hamstring injury, Jacquizz Rodgers is once again the man in Tampa Bay this weekend. Remember, ‘Quizz had 30 carries—a career high—and had another five receptions in Week 5 against Carolina, and with not only Doug Martin sidelined, but Charles Sims also out on IR, Rodgers is one of the cheapest options and the closest to a sure thing when it comes to outperforming his price tag: San Francisco is ranked 29th against opposing running backs in fantasy.

My Way: “You think you’re special... but I’ve had enough of this”

Before we get to the wide receivers, the RapGenius annotation for the song “My Way”:

It’s left somewhat unclear as to who is the target of the lyrics in this one. It could very well be a romantic partner, or even possibly a business partner or boss. By making it ambiguous it leaves it open to interpretation, which allows the listener to relate to the song on a number of levels. A brilliant move on the part of the lyricist here.

Alright, let that breathe right there.

Here are your wide receivers to nab in Week 7; check out my melody:

Odell Beckham Jr. at $8,600

Allen Robinson at $8,400

Cameron Meredith at $5,900

Just one more fight about your lack of leadership and I will straight up never play you again, Odell. ‘Cuz I’ve had enough of this and I’m doing things my way from here on out, Odell. Look, you had yourself a breakout game last week against Baltimore, couple of touchdowns, a bunch of receiving yards, it was nice, but if you can’t find a way to start stringing together more consistent performances, you’re not worth the heartbreak in DFS. Odell is nursing a hip pointer that caused him to leave the game versus Baltimore last week, but he returned to action and scored both of his touchdowns afterwards.

If Allen Robinson ever had the chance to finally get out of this stagnant state of mediocrity, it would be this week against the Raiders. So far, Robinson is averaging 57 receiving yards on less than five catches on just over nine targets per game, so something has to give here pretty soon. The Oakland defense is the worst against the pass in the NFL, giving up 1,876 passing yards through six games to the tune of 13.4 yards per completion. You know what, Robinson, you’re in the same boat as OBJ, just one more disappointment about a lot of things and I will give up everything to be free from you again.

Cameron Meredith doesn’t nearly have the expectations to live up to as the two receivers mentioned above, but he very well could end up outperforming both of them. With Eddie Royal being out once again, the Bears will go into the game with a healthy Alshon Jeffery, who should draw a lot of attention from the Packers and give Meredith the opportunity to make plays. Since Hoyer was inserted as the full-time starter, Meredith is averaging nearly nine targets per game as the Bears have been throwing the ball almost 40 times per game with Hoyer at the helm.

My Generation: “Welcome to the jungle, punk; take a look around...”

Rob Gronkowski at $8,500

It’s Rob Gronkowski taking over your town. In back-to-back weeks, the Gronk we all know, the eater of worlds, has returned to form. Last week against Cincinnati he caught seven passes for a career-high 162 yards and a touchdown; nothing about the jungle cats punk’d Gronk. He’s not on the injury report this week for the first time this season, and combine that news with the fact that he’s going against a Steelers defense that is ranked 30th against the pass, big, big things could be in store for Gronk in Week 7.

Rollin’ (Urban Assault Vehicle): “‘Cause if you don’t care, then we don’t care”

Matt Bryant at $4,700

There’s no other way I can describe Matt Bryant as anything other than an urban assault vehicle when it comes to kicking field goals: he’s made 21 of them so far this season.

Also, he’s in a dome.

It’ll Be OK: “I’m looking out a window... and I’m feeling so disgusted; how pathetic can I possibly be?”

Chicago Bears at $4,000

What to do? Life is through. I’m picking the Bears’ defense, on the road, to cause problems for a Packers’ offense that is struggling mightily. I know, I feel dirty doing this, but hear me out: I needed to make room for Gronk in the lineup.

With that being said, you’re ready to go for Week 7.