Note: After every Detroit Lions loss, we’re going to write a fictionalized version of what we wished would have happened. This is a way for us all to let go of the anger and release our frustrations in a positive way.
Instead, it was the Bears who looked completely unprepared. Brian Hoyer wasn’t on the same page with his receivers for nearly the entire game. By the third quarter, Hoyer’s frustrations had boiled over to a point where he simply marched off the field. In the post-game press conference Hoyer announced he was enrolling back at Michigan State to help turn around the Spartans.*
It was shocking to see the Bears offense sputter so much considering the Lions lined up with just two defenders on every play. But pressure from Kerry Hyder and pristine coverage from Darius Slay was enough to give 11 Bears fits on seemingly every down. Head coach Jim Caldwell said of his bold strategy, “We noticed Tyrunn Walker and Devin Taylor had been sleeping during most of the games this season, so we figured why not let them do so on the comfy bench?”
Offensively, the Lions struggled to get much going on the ground to begin the game. Matthew Stafford tried to hand the ball off to Theo Riddick several times, but Riddick insisted that he toss the ball to him, because “it works better that way.” When Dwayne Washington went down with an injury, the Lions abandoned the run completely. After the game, Caldwell admitted, “Honestly, I completely forgot we had Zach Zenner on the team. That little guy is hard to find, sometimes.”
So it was up to Stafford and the passing game to carry the weight of the offense, and they did just that. Golden Tate took the very first bubble screen of the day, made three defenders miss in the backfield—while Eric Ebron just stood there—and took it 85 yards for the score.
Though that would be the only points the Lions needed on that day, Tate was far from finished. Tate would end up finishing the day with 400 receiving yards to take over the team lead in yardage. After scoring his fifth touchdown of the afternoon, Tate held up a sign in the end zone that read: “I am very happy with my situation in Detroit. Despite what fans may be speculating based on little-to-no evidence, I am not disgruntled here. I don’t need to be a No. 1 receiver to be happy. Marvin and I are best friends.” It was a pretty big sign.
In an unprecedented move, Joique Bell demanded a release from the Chicago Bears at halftime, claiming that sharing a locker room with Jay Cutler had become “the greatest hardship I’ve ever experienced in my life. And I’ve worked as a security guard for the Lions. I don’t know if anyone has ever mentioned this on TV before. Also, did you know that the Red Wings acquired Kris Draper in a trade for $1?”
Caldwell immediately swiped up Bell in the third quarter, and the Wayne State product scored the final two touchdowns of the game. As he rejoined his Lions brethren in the locker room, he promised never to leave them again. The team then shared a 15-minute group hug that ended abruptly after a drunken Teryl Austin—who you may remember was fired in Week 1—stumbled into the locker room crying, “WHERE IS LEVY? I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE HIDING HIM SOMEWHERE!”
New defensive coordinator Matt Patricia quietly escorted Austin out of the building, gently reminding him that DeAndre Levy was a figment of his imagination and never truly existed.
We hope Austin gets the help that he deserves.
*His return would end up sparking the Spartans to a dominant three-game winning streak, before Jim Harbaugh and the Wolverines shut him out 99-0.