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Lions fan fiction: Detroit routs Houston after 11 consecutive onside kick recoveries

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Time for some Halloween-inspired levity.

Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

Note: After every Detroit Lions loss, we’re going to write a fictionalized version of what we wished would have happened. This is a way for us all to let go of the anger and release our frustrations in a positive way.

Jim Caldwell wasn’t just unorthodox against the Houston Texans on Sunday, he was downright insane. I don’t use that word as hyperbole; doctors medically declared him as insane at halftime, but seeing as the Lions were winning, Bob Quinn let the rabid man be during the final two quarters.

Everything seemed normal on a beautiful Sunday afternoon in Houston. The weather was modest, the turf at NRG Stadium was oddly discolored (per usual) and both teams looked normal during warmups. But something was afoot. When Jim Caldwell crawled out of his coffin on the morning of gameday, he wasn’t the same person he was when he went to bed at 7:30 p.m. the previous night.

“I could see it in his eyes,” Golden Tate said after the game. “Normally they’re blank, lifeless even. Kind of like staring at an oversized Cabbage Patch doll. But as soon as he entered that locker room, I saw a man possessed.”

And that possessed man attempted—and accomplished—something never done before. The Detroit Lions attempted a record 11 onside kicks on Sunday and recovered every single one of them. “We gave Sam Martin an extension this offseason, what did you think we were going to do?” Caldwell snapped at reporters through gritted teeth.

The Lions offense played with the same crazed efficiency. The Lions never had to punt as Matthew Stafford led the offense on scoring drives 12 out of 12 times.

Because the Lions opted to onside kick after every score, their defense literally never took the field. The players didn’t seem to mind much. “I just took the game off like I normally do,” said Devin Taylor after the game.

“GQ and I were just kicking it with some of our old Houston buddies in the stands,” Justin Forsett said after the game. Forsett also didn’t see the field as the Lions rolled with just Theo Riddick and Zach Zenner at running back all game. When asked about that decision, Caldwell responded, “PUMPKINS! Cherry Garcia. Candy Corn is the best Halloween food.”

The Texans were caught completely off guard by Caldwell’s antics. Though they eventually adjusted to the no-longer-a-surprise onside kicks, Caldwell kept throwing wrinkles into the kick to keep them guessing. Perhaps the oddest decision was to have Martin moonwalk into the ball, but the mesmerizing footwork of the Lions’ punter/kicker was enough to hypnotize the Texans’ hands team.

When asked what it was like to sit on the sidelines for the entire game, starting quarterback Brock Osweiler stunned the conference room. “I was kind of relieved, actually. I didn’t really want to go out there today. Football is really hard, you guys.” Osweiler then tried to high five a reporter before accidentally slapping the journalist in the face.

The Lions are now 5-3 and will head to Minnesota to face the winless Vikings, who have just been an utter disaster since trading for Mark Sanchez in the wake of the injury to Teddy Bridgewater.