Panic! Everything that can and will go wrong against the Eagles

I’m going to be honest, we were on the mark for a couple of things in last week’s Panic. This is bad; the last thing I want to be accused of is being right about silly things like Brian Hoyer throwing all over the Lions. For that matter, I dislike being right about things that usually matter, too. Being right is a chore. The only good thing about being right—getting paid to be right about things—is in decline across the country, leaving only negatives.

Still, we try to grade how bad things will go, and to do so we must present to you the most likely outcomes and whether or not you should feel great fear and dread about a possible apocalyptic event concerning your Detroit Lions.

Someone tries to create a hybrid Detroit deep dish/Philadelphia cheesesteak

Grade B-. I’d try it once, but I’d feel incredibly bad afterwards and fear for the health and safety of all dumpy suburban Michiganders.

Theo Riddick and Zach Zenner get lost before the game, removing all trace of a backfield from the Lions

Grade C. Good, throw the dang ball. I’m a football fan, man. I watch the TV and I think I know how to call a game and I say throw the dang ball. I’m too scared to use a full swear because my pastor might find out.

Ryan Mathews is actually our own Ryan Mathews

Grade B+. I knew it. You traitor. I always had my suspicions, but I could never figure out what was off. Now I know: it was that Point Break-looking mask you had on. I never thought it was odd until now, but now I know you were hiding something beneath it!

Golden Tate has a semi-decent game. Nothing fancy, but doesn’t top the receiving charts. It happens.

Grade C+. Not topping receiving charts is a clear indicator of mental issues in an athlete, according to the 500 newly accredited sports psychologists sitting at home.

Fox’s broadcast breaks and every commercial break is just the same Verizon Jamie Foxx commercial over and over

Grade C. High potential to upgrade later on as this nightmare sinks in, much like the Nissan commercials that claimed the lives of thirty people during the 2013 BCS National Championship Game.

Jim Schwartz becomes the Eagles head coach at halftime following a disaster of some kind

Grade C. I mean, I dunno, this Eagles team is probably beating the Lions anyway. But it would break a curse hanging over Lions head coaches that prevents them from getting another head coaching gig after Detroit since like the 50s—Dick Jauron doesn’t count.**

Trust me, we’ve dissected this among the staff many times, interim coaches are spared the monkey paw.**

Carson Wentz consumes the soul of Matthew Stafford, adding another NFL quarterback’s repertoire to his growing malevolent power

Grade B. Ah hell, you’re not going to stop this cursed abomination from 500 years of blood and death. But hey, you can draft Lamar Jackson now. Jake Rudock still won’t play quarterback for this team.

Chris Spielman has had enough. He gets out of the press box, signs a quick contract and suits up at linebacker for the Lions.

Grade S+