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The Magical Coach

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My journey to find the Lions next coach.

Druids Celebrate Winter Solstice At Stonehenge Photo by Matt Cardy/Getty Images

On the night after Christmas, I drifted off into a deep sleep after an awkward combination of tamales, eggnog and cough syrup. During my sleep, I couldn't help but feel that I was out of my body. It was some out of a movie. I floated above my bed and watched myself sleep.

Just then, the ghost of Jason Hanson appeared and said, “Come with me. All of your questions will be answered.” My first thought was that I’m 100 percent certain that Jason Hanson is still alive. He said, "Nevermind that. Follow me.”

Hanson then kicked me in the head field goal style, and I was thrown into a portal. Flying through this portal was just like the flying house in “The Wizard of Oz.” Too much like it, actually. I saw Matt Millen riding a broom.

When I crash landed, I found myself in a field of a tall blue grass. After laying there for a moment to assess the damage of that kick, I got up and brushed myself off. It was then I realized that I was no longer in Kansas. Or Michigan. I may have been a little concussed.

I rubbed my eyes in disbelief. What was there in front of me was a magical land. Unicorns pranced through town and dragons flew through the air. There was smell of hot chocolate and free pizza was available on every corner.

“Amazing, isn't it?” Jason Hanson said as he appeared next to me out of nowhere. “What is this place?” I asked. Hanson looked at me as if he was the owner of Jurassic Park and said, “Welcome to Coach World.”

I was shocked. Because all this time, I didn't believe in Coach World. I thought it was a myth created by Lions and Browns fans. Turns out I was wrong all along.

“Here is where we find the Lions’ next head coach. The one that will lead them to 12 straight Super Bowl wins.”

As we walked through town, I noticed men on the street proclaiming that they were a man and that they were 40. Others said they were “looking forward to Seattle.”

“What about these guys?” I asked. “No!” Hanson exclaimed. “The one you seek has a castle in the Mythical Shula Forest.“

Along the way we were almost attacked by dinosaurs and Eric Mangini. But, nevertheless, we made it to the center of the forest. It was there that we met the Lions’ future coach.

He stood eight or nine feet tall, weighed in at 500 lbs and he looked like a mix between Jason Priestley and Luke Perry. With an old southern drawl, he said his name was Coach Bobby Franks Jr.

Franks jumped right into it and explained his plans on how he would make the Lions the greatest team ever. Most of his explanation was centered around the fact that he wasn't Jim Caldwell, and that switching coaches multiple times is the only way to a championship.

He explained that he would come with a top ranked run game and how his time management skills were greater than any other coach in the history of organized football.

He promised that Matthew Stafford would never play another fourth quarter again because the Lions would also be winning. He said we would win so much, that we would get tired of winning.

He swore that he would be the only universally liked coach in Lions history. That's a big deal, because that's never come close to happening.

It was then when the ground began to rumble. A Tyrannosaurus Rex volcano came spewing out of the ground. We all began to run. Jason Hanson opened up a portal back to our world.

“Run for the portal!” Hanson screamed. It was then when Hanson was captured by the volcano. I jumped into the portal. “Come on coach!! Take my hand!!!” I yelled to Coach Franks.

I extended my hand. Franks extended his. As the portal closed and the T-Rex-cano came closer to swallowing Franks whole, our fingertips touched. Then I woke up.

I layed in my bed trying to figure out What Just Happened? (Get it?) I soon realized it was all just a dream. Then reality set in.

I quickly remember that there's no such thing as a perfect coach. Some are going to dislike the guy at the helm no matter what the result is.

Coaches will have moments of genius and moments of utter failure. But it's important to remember that a coach alone isn't the answer to all of your problems.

I wrote Tuesday about the Lions being ahead of schedule on their rebuilding project. The reason for that is Bob Quinn didn't come in and shut down the project halfway through. He came in to make the right adjustments with the right tools.

Firing Caldwell is essentially moving your game piece back to start. Roll the dice a few more times and see if you can keep chugging around the board, or go back to start and see if you can make it back to this point with a different piece. Which way would you take?