Carl "The Dig" Diggler, America's best and most accurate political pundit, wrote the following words back during the 2016 Wisconsin primary:
Now, Wisconsinites are mostly a simple people. They eat their three lunches, kiss their often enormous children on their often featureless faces, and go to church so they can pray for the 2 Broke Girls. But football causes a change in many dairy people's brains.
You see, pigs actually change into a different species when they're released in the wild. Their fur grows. Their teeth become sharper. They become faster, and less docile. The same thing happens to Wisconsinites when football is in question. Their blood oath to the Packers is their lifeblood and currency. They hate Chicago, New York, and every other city that opposes their prophesied path to the Super Bowl trophy that will usher in a 1,000 year blood reign.
Carl's words are excellent but the depths of the football hell are still worth plumbing. The Wisconsin football fan is a terrifying beast, but also one still endowed with the ability to read and write, surprisingly.
One of the best chronicles of this modern American Mordor is the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel, which both watches the foul beasts of the land and allows them to speak through them at time. The latter is often captured on a Twitter account, @JSComments, which provides a valuable insight into the mind of a Wisconsinite, who is constantly obsessed with the occult art known as the Right Way.
Appeals to this black magic are often made in braying, whining voices lifted in defiance of inconsequential issues, such as the following exhibit:
On hard counts pic.twitter.com/4TrrxLmBns— JS Comments (@JSComments) May 1, 2016
In the pantheon of essential problems to the future of football, Dick Klatt has found the item wedged squarely between "pink cleats are undermining masculinity" and "Knute Rockne should burn in hell forever for utilizing the forward pass."
But "I'm agree." Aaron Rodgers should not use these heretical weapons at his disposal. This is a clearly unfair power he has developed and if we're being honest, it's not the only one. Here's a few more suggestions for Wisconsinites to censure their quarterback in order to maintain purity:
- Aaron Rodgers is no longer allowed to throw to any man not named "Jones" or "Vince."
- Rolling out of the pocket and making a throw on the move is a disingenuous action that confuses defenders as to whether you are attempting to rush or not. This indicates a level of reptilian deceit and indecision on Rodgers' part. A real man makes up his mind before the play.
- The move away from iron man football is a sign of growing weakness in the American way. If Rodgers was a real leader he'd be returning kickoffs and playing Will linebacker. Offense is only a third of the game!
- Never allow Rodgers to leave the state of Wisconsin; he'll only go play golf and star in commercials. Naturally these things are inherently bad because they are not football or football-related things. This decree probably means Rodgers can't go on road games but that's fine, the Packers are bums if they can't win without one player. Next man up, weaklings.
- The Hail Mary reveals papist sympathies and is an affront to American democracy. It must be banned.
- Just start Joe Callahan over him. Joe's not actively ruining football for young people.
Big Bender is on the right track. Wisconsin must take my advice and continue to un-innovate football, devolve this mad game until the wedge returns and men are dying from blows to the head on muddy fields just outside Kenosha, which is how this sport was intended to be played, by god.