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2016 Detroit Lions Name Bracket tournament: Learn the F****** Rules region

The first round of the Detroit Lions' Name Bracket concludes with the Learn the F****** Rules region.

It's been a long week for the Detroit Lions Name Bracket tournament. So far, we've seen 24 matchups; some of them easy wins, some of them fingernail biters. But as the field begins to be cleared out, we mustn't forget this final group of names. After all, the Learn the F****** Rules region is responsible for two names that made a deep run in last years tournament. Let's press on to the final eight matchup of the first round.

1 Zach Zenner vs. 16 Darius Johnson

Zach Zenner just missed out on eligibility for the tournament this year, but now enters his first Name Bracket wearing a big boy one-seed. My affinity for alliteration is no secret by this point, but rarely do you see it pulled off with Zs. While I don't think on-field accomplishments should have any bearing on this tournament, it's impossible to deny that making the team in 2015 as an undrafted rookie adds to the wonder of Zach Zenner. The Zettels and Zeller's of this tournament have watered down Zenner's allure a bit, but it's still a fantastic name.

The name Darius Johnson has literally nothing going for it. Darius already belongs to a player with a better overall name and Johnson is the worst last name of this tournament. And Johnson was released earlier in the week anyways, so buh-bye.

8 Larry Warford vs. 9 Anthony Zettel

As a seven-seed last year, Warford was upset by fan-favorite Joseph Fauria. This year, Warford is looking to prove that he's worth at least a second round appearance. It's hard to argue against. Warford is one of the grittiest last names you'll see in this tournament. While Larry is a bit mundane, it's also has some nostalgia to it. I don't think I've ever met a non-stooge Larry in my life under the age of 50.

Anthony Zettel, in my opinion is a phony in this tournament. He's essentially the Xavier of the NCAA Basketball Tournament bracket. You look at that first letter, and you assume it's a good name. But it isn't. Sure, we all pick them to go pretty far each year because X is a fun letter, but they've never made a final four in program history. In a tournament with a surplus of Zs, Zettel doesn't stand a chance.

5 Khyri Thornton vs. 12 A'Shawn Robinson

Khyri reminds me of kiwi, the world's most underrated fruit, both in taste and pronunciation. I couldn't find the actual derivation of the name Khyri, but, again, here's what Urban Dictionary has to say on the matter:

A person who is to [sic] chill to care about anything. Can usally [sic] be found sleeping, or listing to music while lying down. Although very lazy and tend to not be aware of anything that goes on around them they are fun to hang around when active

A man cut from the same cloth as I. #TeamThornton

Some may argue that A'Shawn Robinson is vastly underseeded in this tournament, but I maintain this is an unspectacular name. Adding an A' to a name does not a winner make. I know a lot of fun has been made already, calling him The'Shawn Robinson, but there's just nothing beyond that. Shawn is a boring name, as is Robinson. An A and an apostrophe do little to change the makeup of this name.

4 Don Muhlbach vs. 13 Matthew Mulligan

#LONGSNAPPERWATCH2016 may be the end of Don Muhlbach's professional career in Detroit, but when it comes to the Name Bracket Muhlbach is very much alive. I don't like to factor in nicknames much into this tournament, but Muhldozer incorporates enough of his actual name for it to be considered in this bracket (as opposed to Ziggy, which 1) isn't that cool of a nickname and 2) has little resemblance to his actual name Ezekiel). Anyways, here's a picture of a mule with the face of Johann Sebastian Bach on it.

mule bach

Matthew Mulligan has alliteration but not much else going for it. I bet he wishes there was a do-over in the seeding for this tournament.

6 Riley Reiff vs. 11 Brandon Pettigrew

Riley Reiff also has alliteration, but so much more. The true key to Reiff's name is not the Rs but rather the strong vowel play. First you have the elongated I osund in the first name, followed by the eeeeeee in the last name. And we all know how fun it is to scream his last name aloud:

Brandon Pettigrew is a name that seems like it should be more impressive than it is. Pettigrew should be a more pun-able name. It has the word's pet and grew in it, but the best I can come up with is Teacher's Pettigrew. That nickname definitely does not fit the person.

3 Haloti Ngata vs. 14 Jimmy Landes

I have a love/hate relationship with the name Haloti Ngata. Haloti is a very enjoyable name to say. I like to walk up to random strangers and greet them with a friendly "Haloti" and a wave of the hand. Plus, Ngata is just a perfect name for puns. Will Adrian Peterson score from the 1-yard line? Ngata chance. Or, if things go sourly this year, Ngata starter.

But my problem with the name Haloti Ngata is that we're simply relying on it being foreign. I don't really want the crux of this tournament to be a sentiment like "foreign names are funny." Also, did you know Haloti isn't even his real first name? Haloti is his middle name and Etuini is his given first name.

Still, even if his name just has the foreign thing going for it, it's a better name than Jimmy Landes. While I appreciate the kind of person that sticks with Jimmy into adulthood instead of going to the more professional Jim or James, the name just doesn't have much allure.

7 Ryan Spadola vs. 10 Jon Bostic

Just like Johnson Bademosi, you cannot say Spadola without pulling out your stereotypical Italian accent. I don't know whether to use his last name to flip my pancakes or to send it to Weird Al to make a follow up to "My Bologna." That being said, Ryan isn't much of a first name, which could put him on upset alert.

Especially against an underseeded competitor like Jon Bostic. On the surface, the name is quite ordinary, but it has cadence of something much greater. As commenter "dustinrharvey" pointed out, part of that allure is the auditory resemblance to Mr. Bombastic. In fact, I might just call him Mr. Jon Bostic for the rest of my life now. Yeah, I messed up the seedings on this one. This should be an easy upset for Mr. Jon Bostic.

2 Darius Slay vs. 15 Taylor Decker

Darius Slay made it all the way to the final four last year, and is looking to build upon that performance this year. While Darius remains somewhat ordinary, Slay just perfectly fits the player. Slay is unforgiving. Slay is confident. Slay is completely debilitating to the opposition. With Beyonce's "Formation," now is the perfect opportunity to use that last name to make a perfect highlight reel for Darius. I'm picturing during the "...and I slay" part of the song, showing a pass breakup or interception every time she says the word slay. Again, I call on you, Sandman. The nation needs you right now.

Taylor Decker is a well-balanced name, and I do appreciate having the word "deck" in your name, especially as an offensive lineman. However, the rookie tackle needs to bring something better to the table to get past the first round of this tournament. Maybe you have a cool middle name you'd like to go by? Hey, it worked for Haloti Ngata.