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After a brief hiatus, the 2016 Detroit Lions Name Bracket tournament is back. I had to take a few days to cope with the loss of Zaviar Gooden, who inexplicably fell to DeAndre Levy. But I will get to that when the time comes. For now, let's move forward to the right side of the bracket.
For a look at the updated bracket, click here.
1. Tahir Whitehead vs. 9. Adam Fuehne
Tahir Whitehead rolled through the first round with no problem, defeating Andre Caldwell 95-5. He'll likely have no problem defeating his second round opponent, Adam Fuehne, who upset Deonte Gibson in our closest matchup of round 1, 52-48.
Let's recap the strengths and weaknesses of each name.
Tahir Whitehead strengths:
- Tahir literally translates to "pure"
- Tahir also sounds awesome and primal. I'm pretty sure the first caveman was named Tahir
- Whitehead is a pimple
- His last name looks weird
- His last name rhymes with weeney
- Adam is a boring name
This is a pretty clear-cut matchup.
5. Cornelius Lucas vs. 4 Khaseem Greene
Here we go. This is where things are going to get bloody. The royal Cornelius Lucas against the name that you can't help but extend an extra three seconds pronouncing, Khaseem Greene.
I'm partial to Khaseem Greene in this matchup, but arguments can be made for both. Khaseem Greene comes in slightly higher-seeded, but for good reason. You literally have to smile to say his name. And as mentioned before, that E sound goes on forever. Just imagine if Greene were a basketball player. Now picture a sports arena announcer belting out that name to thousands of fans after sinking a three-pointer: "KHA-SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEM GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENE!"
But that is not to take anything away Sir Cornelius Lucas the third, esquire. Obviously the star of his name is Cornelius, but I think people underestimate Lucas. It fits well into the whole King vibe, but also stands alone as a pretty solid last name. Lucas is 100 percent a better last name than it is a first name and I'll fight anyone who thinks otherwise. There's a reason why everyone with the name Lucas shortens it to Luke.
6. Graham Glasgow vs. 3 Quinshad Davis
The second round continues with another evenly-matched contest. Graham Glasgow, a hometown hero, disposed of Michael Ola with relative ease, 84-16. While newcomer Quinshad Davis comfortably defeated Rafael Bush in his matchup.
Graham Glasgow, or G-cubed (as only I call him), leans heavily on alliteration to defeat his opponents. However, Glasgow is unique enough to demand a fair amount of respect. Graham is also a solid name, if for no other reason than it reminds me of s'mores and s'mores are awesome.
But Quinshad Davis just punches you in the gut. Quinshad. That name comes out swinging and is usually enough to KO the opponent without even considering last names. I have no clever quips about the name Quinshad because it's so damn original, I can't compare it to anything else.
7. Theo Riddick vs. 2 Miles Killebrew
Theo Riddick started the tournament with a chip on his shoulder, thinking he was underseeded at seven. He may have turned out to be right, as he destroyed 10-seeded Dan Orlovsky, 87-13. However, Riddick faces a daunting task, as Miles Killebrew stands between him and the Sweet 16.
Killebrew had our most lopsided first round victory, gaining 99 percent of the vote over Brandon Copeland. Poor Copeland had to change positions in real life, and he was absolutely annihilated in this fake realm of my creation.
I maintain Theo Riddick is already a played out name in Detroit. The Chronicles of Riddick days were fun, but they're over now. Miles Killebrew is the new name in town, and he's already busted into the saloon and shot the sheriff dead. Miles Killebrew is your new sheriff, and I don't know if there's anyone who can beat him in a duel at high noon.
1. Zach Zenner vs. 8 Larry Warford
This matchup doesn't deserve much hype. Larry Warford may be the worst name that made it to the second round and Zach Zenner will crush him. The headlines will read "ZZ tops Warford." Now make it happen.
12. A'Shawn Robinson vs. 4. Don Muhlbach
A'Shawn Robinson was the biggest upset of the first round, illogically defeating Khyri Thornton 58-42. I still really don't understand the appeal of the name. Shawn Robinson would not have made this tournament. Adding an "A'" does so little to make this name alluring that I am starting to question my own sanity. Someone please explain to me why this name is cool.
Hopefully, good ol' Don Muhlbach will take down the overconfident rookie. I'll spare you all the Mule-Bach picture this time, but that is just a fun last name to say, spell and make puns over. I don't care how boring Don is, Muhlbach is close to perfection. Plus, this is his last year in the tournament, let's give him the unfair bump that Emmy's give TV shows in their final year of production.
6. Riley Reiff vs. 3. Haloti Ngata
Haloti Ngata is going to win this matchup, and he's likely going to win it big. So let me try to convince you otherwise. I know you're all down on Reiff since he's essentially getting demoted to right tackle this season. But don't let the football side of things influence your opinion. Riley Reiff is the better name. It's alliterative, it has a unique surname that is highly pun-able ("Great Barrier Reiff", "Reiff-er Madness", "Good G-Reiff"), and it's all contained in a neat little 10-letter package. Haloti Ngata appears exotic and melodic on the surface, but it's actually quite clunky. I have to use my tongue FOUR times saying that name, and it's just 11 letters. I just want to say your name, not do some HIIT workout. Riley Reiff FTW.
7. Ryan Spadola vs. 2. Darius Slay
I'll be honest, I keep forgetting who Ryan Spadola is, and that cannot be a good testament to the player nor the name. I get that Spadola is kind of like spatula, and that's funny for a good five-second window. I regret not convincing you all that Jon Bostic was the better name.
But in the end, it won't matter much. Darius Slay will take out Ryan Spadola just like he would have taken out Jon Bostic. Slay made it to the final four last year, and he's only more popular this year, as evidenced by his 94-6 beatdown of Taylor Decker in the first round. You could say he really.....slaughtered his opponent.