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Panic! Everything that could go wrong for the Lions in Week 1

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It’s the first game of the year. What could possibly go wrong? EVERYTHING.

Detroit Lions v New Orleans Saints Photo by Sean Gardner/Getty Images

Everything goes wrong in football. Men get hurt, coaches screw up, kickers miss, snaps go high, balls get fumbled and corners trip up. Write everything you think you know about a game down and there’s liable to be something that’ll slip.

This isn’t exactly a compelling argument to become an obscurantist, but there are plenty of fears to contemplate before kickoff. We’ll try not to repeat them too much, or else the entire season will just be contemplating life without Matthew Stafford; which, needless to say, unless you’re a 175% Jake Rudock slappy, is pretty goddamn terrifying.

Andrew Luck lights up the Lions for 300 yards passing

Grade B-. Might confirm there’s reasons to suspect the defensive backfield. This also means the defensive line isn’t getting to Luck and, well, we gotta go back to the drawing board on this one fellas.

The Lions are held to under 100 yards rushing

Grade D. Y’all know what the jig was. This run game sucks, it has sucked and if it sucks again then that’s all just a little bit of history repeating.

Jim Bob Cooter’s offense looks, uh, pretty vanilla after all

Grade B. Umm, okay. So it wasn’t just playing it safe in the preseason, huh? Well maybe he’s just kinda testing things out here, seeing what he’s got in real life scenarios. Maybe Week 2 will be better. Maybe he’ll have the hurry-up going by then. Maybe! Ha ha ha.

Indianapolis lines up in that ridiculous formation from a year ago and actually gets the Lions to jump offside this time.

Grade A. Jesus guys.

Eric Ebron doesn’t play

Grade B+. We’re going to be playing this guessing game about his health for a long while if Ebron doesn’t take the field Sunday. The contingent of Lions fans who want any reason to tear him apart get new vigor and mercilessly crush our Facebook page’s comments.

Also, this would mean Cole Wick is your tight end. Help.

Marvin Jones disappears from the stat line

Grade C. This happened quite a bit in Cincinnati and it’s not a good habit to get into here. I’m sure most Lions fans would prefer having Marvin Jones productive on nearly every game, diversified offense or not.

Marvin Jones literally disappears from the football field

Grade B. Okay, we might need to consult Liam Neeson on this one.

Matthew Stafford throws three interceptions

Grade C+. It would be a terrible game but first week jitters are understandable. I think. Listen, Eli Manning does this like every third week and no one cares.

Jim Caldwell reveals he was working for the Colts all along and deactivates his Chuck Pagano replicant, taking its place and leaving the Lions rudderless without a head coach.

Grade D. He probably still loses at least six games; in the AFC South, no less!