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Lions fan fiction: Healed by ‘miracle water,’ Lions take down Titans 20-16

Our fictionalized take of what happened on Sunday.

Tennessee Titans v Detroit Lions Photo by Stacy Revere/Getty Images

Note: After every Detroit Lions loss, we’re going to write a fictionalized version of what we wished would have happened. This is a way for us all to let go of the anger and release our frustrations in a positive way.

The Lions may have held a 12-3 lead at halftime, but things looked bleak. Ezekiel Ansah had played just three snaps before going down with a bad-looking injury. Ameer Abdullah had just broken his own ankles on a cut so sharp it tore a chunk of the turf straight off the field. The Lions were so shorthanded at linebacker that they had grabbed our own Jerry Mallory from the stands to start alongside Tahir Whitehead.

At halftime, Jim Caldwell just stood in stunned silence in front of a dumbfounded Lions team. Even if he had anything to say to the team, the players likely wouldn’t have been able to hear him over the team doctors screaming, “OH GOD, I CAN SEE THE BONE! WHY WOULD GOD DO THIS TO THESE PEOPLE? WHY DIDN’T WE BUY MORE GAUZE?”

The Lions came out of the tunnel for the second half in an unenthusiastic stroll. It didn’t take long for the Tennessee Titans to pounce on the situation. Detroit immediately turned it over after Andre Roberts, feeling left out, dropped the opening kickoff and the Titans recovered. On the very next play, linebacker Jerry Mallory jarred the ball loose on a goal line run, but the ball fortuitously bounced straight to Marcus Mariota, who scooped it up for the score. The Titans were down just 12-9—the extra point was missed after five consecutive holding calls made it an 83-yard attempt.

Matthew Stafford led the Lions back on the field to try and push the lead back to two possessions. Unfortunately, after Laken Tomlinson mistakenly blocked Taylor Decker on a play, two Titans plays simultaneously dove directly at Stafford’s calves as he threw downfield, dismembering the lower halves of both of Stafford’s legs. As Stafford waddled over to the refs, waving both dismembered limbs in their faces, his pass was picked off and returned for a touchdown. The Lions were suddenly down 16-12.

Despite the TV timeout, Caldwell used two additional timeouts to try and gather the troops on the sidelines. The odd strategy actually paid off, even though no one could predict what was going to happen next.

Suddenly, Macklemore’s music started blaring through Ford Field’s updated sound system. Over the radio, you could hear Dan Miller scream, “BAH GAWD, THAT’S RUSSELL WILSON’S MUSIC.” Indeed, the Seahawks quarterback came rushing through the tunnel carrying a huge Gatorade cooler over his shoulder.

“What in the hey-diddly-heck are you doing here?” Jim Caldwell shouted at Wilson. “Don’t you have a game later today?”

“We play the Rams this week, I think we’re going to be okay,” Wilson quickly responded.

Wilson didn’t say another word, he simply put down his Gatorade cooler, which had a hand-written piece of paper with the words “miracle water” crudely written on it, and started handing out cups.

As the Lions players drank the liquid that tasted mysteriously like hose water, everything changed. Ezekiel Ansah jumped to his feet and was roundhouse kicking a water bottle back-and-forth with Anthony Zettel. Matthew Stafford’s feet suddenly re-attached seamlessly to his body. Wilson even went to DeAndre Levy to give him a swig of his healing power, but tripped on the way over, spilling the miracle cure all over Levy’s beard.

The grounds at Ford Field began to shake as Levy’s eyes rolled into the back of his head. Levy instantly grew to three times his size and as the clothes he wore suddenly tore away, it revealed it permanently tattooed jersey on his chest. Though he was listed as inactive before the game, the officials—too frightened by the image—let Levy play without any resistance.

It took a while for the Lions to get used to their newly formed bodies. Stafford’s first 10 throws were at least 50 yards beyond their receivers. Ameer Abdullah’s feet had turned so fast, that he constantly overshot the edge and found himself out of bounds.

So the Lions still found themselves down 16-12 with just 30 seconds left. Stafford, having finally calibrated his arm, hit Eric Ebron down the seam for the game-winning score.

But wait. There was a flag on the play. Before the referee could announce what would have been an offensive pass interference penalty on Ebron, Wilson handed the ref his final cup of Miracle Water. As the ref’s eyes lit up, he turned on his microphone and said, “Pass interference... on Dallas, number 59. Penalty will be enforced retroactively. Lions beat the Cowboys.”

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