Panic! Everything that can and will go wrong for the Lions in Week 3

One of the great features of being a Detroit Lions fan is to envision everything that will go wrong for the Lions. It fuels an entire subsection of fans, the ones who are the most noisy and obnoxious on Sundays. You know them well, and you know their presence when you hear the cries of “Christ, Jeff, I know, you saw it coming, Same Old Lions, will you just shut up and have another beer?”

They revel in its aftermath; we attempt to predict what will happen on Sunday. The worst scenarios for the Detroit Lions are here, all graded accordingly on a scale of “how hard should you panic if this actually happens?” We’re under Japanese video game rules, which means that S+ is the highest grade possible.

Aaron Rodgers finally has his bounce back game

Grade B. We’ve been dissecting what’s wrong with Aaron Rodgers for a while and given that Olivia Munn has been ruled out for anyone who isn’t a raging misogynist, it can only be ascertained that the “bounce back” is soon upon us. We don’t know when, we just know it’ll probably happen once, and everyone will declare that Rodgers is back. Boy would that be great if it happened against an injury-riddled Lions with a depleted defense. Yeah, he’s really back then. Super Bowl.

Mercury enters the house of Libra while Mars is in transit to Capricorn, turning Rodgers into a raging half-beast

Grade B-. Not as bad as a bounce back game, actually.

People take the above to think I actually know about astrology

Grade C+.

Matthew Stafford gets injured

Grade A+. He doesn’t need to get taken out, but lingering injuries will continue to inspire dread and fear. Also the Packers are a dirty team and will take cheap shots at him.

Dirtiest team in the NFL, hands down.

The entire broadcast crew talks about Brangelina rather than the game

Grade B, for Brad. It can probably, and will probably, happen.

Mason Crosby actually hits the field goal this time

Grade C. I have him on my fantasy team. Silver linings.

Matt Prater misses the game winning field goal, in a total reversal of fortunes

Grade B+. Not only would this become an unbearable narrative among the sports television dorks, I also happen to have Prater on another of my fantasy teams.

Midnight on Sunday. Theo Riddick’s amazing running legs turn back into pumpkins. The wish is over. He can only catch balls again.

Grade D-. He’s still amazing, screw all y’all.

The broadcasters just completely forget about the Lions win in Lambeau last year and start talking about how they haven’t won there since the 90s.

Grade C. You know the score, these bumbling oxen never get anything right.

The broadcasters show the Rodgers Hail Mary about 57 times.

Grade C+. See above.

The remaining linebackers get lost somewhere around Kenosha

Grade A. I’m going to be level with you guys. They might not be found ever again if this happens.

@JSComments gets suspended by Twitter around halftime

Grade A+. You maniacs, you blew it all up.

Wisconsin governor Scott Walker shows up at Lambeau Field

Grade S+.