Note: After every Detroit Lions loss (or whenever I feel like), we’re going to write a fictionalized version of what we wished would have happened. This is a way for us all to let go of the anger and release our frustrations in a positive way. Lions fans could really use it after blowing the division away.
The Detroit Lions proved all of the doubter wrongs on Sunday night, toppling the Green Bay Packers for their first division title since 1993.
It wasn’t easy for the Lions. After Zach Zenner ran all over the Packers in the first half, he literally went missing at halftime. “We checked everywhere,” head coach Jim Caldwell said after the game. “He’s usually in his normal spot: Playing with test tubes— and things of that nature—in the chemistry lab we have. But he was nowhere to be found.”
After jumping out to a 14-10 lead in the first half, the Zenner-less Lions struggled in the third quarter. Aaron Rodgers torched the Lions secondary, which was suffering from so many injuries that the Lions called upon Dre Bly, Ty Law and Fernando Bryant to round out their non-existent cornerback depth. After all three sadly perished to old age, the Lions simply threw out mannequins out there hoping Rodgers wouldn’t notice. He did, and the Packers were up 31-14 before the end of the third quarter.
But just as NBC was returning from commercial and the broadcast accidentally picked up Cris Collinsworth writing in his Super Bowl MVP vote for Aaron Rodgers, the lights in Ford Field went out. Zach Zenner then appeared on the two jumbotrons, with broken shackles hanging from each wrist.
“It looks like the Lions could use...” Zenner’s voice boomed across the stands.
“A WINNING FORMULA,” Zenner screamed as he poured neon-colored two test tubes together, creating an explosion in the Lions tunnel. The flames reached so high that they burned down Detroit’s embarrassing “Playoff Appearances” banner in the Ford Field rafters. The ashes floated to the ground, as Zenner raced through them on the way to the field.
Before heading to the huddle, Zenner went over to offensive coordinator Jim Bob Cooter, grabbed his clipboard with one hand and vaporized it with the closing of his fist. “Give. Me. The ball,” Zenner said to Cooter with eye contact so lethal that it would have killed the offensive coordinator had Martha “Firestone” Ford not blocked the force with her sunglasses laser beam. Firestone stood up from her suite and just gave Zenner a thumbs up.
From there, Zenner took over. On offense, he totaled 250 rushing yards in the final quarter alone, and with the Lions secondary barren, Zenner took over on defense as well. Rodgers—who it would later be discovered was the one who attempted to imprison Zenner for the second half—was picked off three times by the South Dakota State alum.
Rodgers still had one more chance to win the game, as the Packers trailed 34-31 with seconds remaining. Everyone in Ford Field held their breath as Green Bay had one more shot at a Hail Mary to win the division. This time, however, there would be no miracle. Zenner came out of nowhere to spear Rodgers before he had a chance to leave the pocket. After taking Rodgers to the ground, Zenner stripped the Packers quarterback of his imaginary championship belt, paraded it around Ford Field then slung it over his shoulder before chugging two El Presidentes with Jace Billingsley, who quietly scored two touchdowns in his first ever NFL game.
The Packers are now eliminated from the playoffs because of a little-known rule. NFL commissioner explained after the game, “It is my job to protect the sanctity of the league. Aaron Rodgers’ imaginary belt does not live up to the pristine dress code we expect out of our players. Just think, first we allow imaginary belts. Then suddenly players are wearing imaginary earrings and imaginary chains. What’s to stop them from wearing imaginary chainmail? That’s a serious risk to the health of our players. I will not stand for such outlandish and thuggery behavior. The only proper punishment is disqualification from the postseason for three decades.”
Goodell refused to answer any questions on the matter, as he was too busy shoveling studies on the effects of CTE into a firepit.
The Lions will host their first playoff game in Ford Field as Washington comes to town. This looks like a good matchup for the Lions on paper. However, this site will spend too much time arguing over the team’s name to make any sort of serious analysis.