Editor’s note: The following is a satire. I would hope that’s blatantly obvious to anyone who reads this, but the internet never fails to surprise me.
Good Morning, Lions Truthers
You hear this all the time. Anytime the Detroit Lions play football in prime time, anytime Clayton Kershaw plays baseball in prime time or anytime a football and baseball are seen together in a high school gym. Matthew Stafford and Clayton Kershaw know each other.
With Kershaw now in the World Series, it seems like we’re hearing it on a daily basis:
Stafford and Kershaw played Baseball together in High School? @MikeSullivan pic.twitter.com/IywBMsqylt— Rick Powers (@Muckdog24) October 7, 2017
It’s okay, Rick. I was shocked the first time I heard it, too—almost as shocked as I was the 100th time I heard it. Well, don’t you worry, Lions truthers. I have some shocking news for you today. Matthew Stafford and Clayton Kershaw have never met each other.
Pause for gasps.
That’s right. We here at Pride of Detroit have uncovered the shocking truth with shocking evidence. It’s really quite shocking. This fake friendship is not only part of the left wing media’s agenda to sell you on friendship, it goes much deeper than that.
Doesn’t the fact that you never see Matthew Stafford and Clayton Kershaw together in the same room ever concern you? What about when the media photoshops fake pictures like this?
Childhood friends Clayton Kershaw (left) and Matthew Stafford (right) became the highest paid players in MLB & the NFL. pic.twitter.com/1moGd5ehxQ— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) October 24, 2017
Look at this. Why are Stafford and Kershaw the only two in color? Because the other kids don’t exist. And you can try to fool me all you want, but I know Matthew Stafford never played for the Dodgers.
What about this picture?
In case you haven't heard the story enough....Clayton Kershaw will be on NFL Gameday Morning tomorrow discussing Matthew Stafford (9am est) pic.twitter.com/xaskjALnBw— Ryan Walton (@RyanWaltonSBN) January 1, 2017
What are the chances that two individuals with bowl cuts would be seen together in the early 1990’s? It’s impossible, but the media finds a way to put these things together. What’s next? They add our own Ryan Mathews to this picture? They would do that with their sick and twisted agenda.
I urge you to go back and take a look at Matthew Stafford’s wedding video. It can be easily found on the internet or black market. I see a lot of people at this wedding. I even see many of the Detroit Lions. But I don’t see Clayton Kershaw. Why? Why wouldn’t you want your close friend to be at your wedding? I think you already know the answer.
Why would the mainstream sports media go to such lengths to prove that the two highest paid athletes in their respective sports are best friends? Whose life are they trying to ruin? And why couldn’t they pick a better duo? Stafford and Matt Ryan I get. both their names are Matthew. I even understand Stafford’s friendship with Denzel Washington—the one the media has refused to cover.
I’ll tell you why the media wants you to know this so badly. We have an exclusive tip from an unnamed source that has shed some light on all of this. Behind the sports media is a secret organization called the Sports Illuminati.
They quietly control all of the sports media you see and hear from their cozy island off the coast of Maine. Don’t see an island on the map? Of course you don’t. We also never saw Big Foot until video proof was shown.
This organization comprises of some of the richest men in the world, and their agenda includes getting you to believe the Cowboys will win the Super Bowl, the Yankees are always good, and Matthew Stafford and Clayton Kershaw are friends.
But why? It’s all a distraction, my friends. While you’re focused on this friendship, they’re sucking the world’s natural resources out of the planet to fuel their trip to Mars before the Earth blows up in 2052.
They think they’re pretty smart. But now they know we’re onto them. It’s okay, though. We have a man on the inside, and he sent out a very important signal just a few weeks ago. See if you can hear it.
Matthew Stafford screamed out "Kershaw" @ClaytonKersh22 as an audible pic.twitter.com/jpvoeLaOBG— The Sports Lab (@_TheSportsLab_) September 19, 2017
If you listen closely enough, you’ll hear Stafford say, “Kershaw is not my friend.” Hurry and look at this footage before they find out about it and have it taken down.
It may already be too late, however. It appears the Sports Illuminati has already gotten to a member of the Detroit Lions offensive line. How else do you explain that Matthew has been sacked 19 times since that game against the Giants? They’re trying to take him out.
Don’t let them take you out too, Lions truthers. Here are my tips on how to survive this:
- Only believe what I tell you
- Don’t believe anything from an unnamed source
- If anyone tries to disparage you and tell you what I’m saying is a lie, they’re the liars.
Only I can save you, Lions truthers, because only I know the truth. We’ll take down the Sports Illuminati, one myth busted at a time.