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Week 8 NFL picks against the spread: Somebody stop me

Jeremy doesn’t Carrey anymore.

New Orleans Saints v Chicago Bears Photo by Brian Kersey/Getty Images

For the fifth week in a row, I finished with a sub-.500 record with my picks against the spread last week. I don’t know why anyone would continue to read this after that, but maybe you all pity me.

I have fallen all the way to 42nd in the Pride of Detroit league, which means soon I’ll be hanging with the users that gave up on their picks weeks ago.

This is a cry for help. Anybody. Somebody, stop me.

RAVENS -3 over Dolphins

Thursday night games are weird and odd and completely unpredictable. But the Dolphins are even more random than that. They’re inexplicably 4-2 despite having the fifth-worst DVOA in the league. Riddle me this: How is Miami going to keep up this charade with third-string quarterback Matt Moore?

Vikings -10.5 over BROWNS

Speaking of backup quarterbacks, Case Keenum has somehow survived this year with a 4-2 record of his own. Speaking of backup quarterbacks, the Browns flipped a coin and DeShone Kizer was the unlucky one chose to go up against this Vikings defense. The Browns may be better off starting a man on the moon.

Raiders +2.5 over BILLS

I’m just being stubborn here. I refuse to believe the Raiders are this bad, and I refuse to believe the Bills are any good. Oakland was bailed out of a sure loss against the Chiefs thanks to some defensive penalties and untimed downs. Maybe they ride a wave of optimism into the rest of the season and turn things around. I don’t actually believe that, but I want to.

I’m just sad that Marshawn Lynch won’t play after receiving a one-game suspension for running onto the field to break up a fight, then proceeding to shove a ref. Stop breaking the law, asshole.

BENGALS -12 over Colts

Am I living in a fantasy world where Cincinnati should ever be favored by more than a touchdown? Because last I checked, this team was 2-4.

If this is the game that you get in your area of the world, it’s time to call your cable guy.

Chargers +8.5 over PATRIOTS

I know picking against the Patriots is eventually going to make me look like a la-hoo za-her, but I really like the pass rushing duo of Joey Bosa and Melvin Ingram. I think it could disrupt Tom Brady a bit, and I think they’ll keep it close.

Bears +10 vs. SAINTS

You may think I’m dumb and dumber by picking Chicago, considering they have one of the worst offenses in the league, but that defense is real. I think if the Bears finally fall behind with Mitchell Trubisky behind center, they’ll unleash the shackles from their rookie quarterback, and he’ll show he can compete. I don’t think Chicago pulls off another upset this week, but they’ll keep it close.

Falcons -4.5 over JETS

The Falcons lost their highly anticipated Super Bowl rematch! Fans are in a panic over their flailing offense! Their pets heads are falling off!

Okay, just calm down, Atlanta fans. Things will be alright. The Jets aren’t the joke we all thought they’d be, but they’ll be a nice rebound game for the Falcons.

EAGLES -14 over 49ers

Carson Wentz, man. He must work out. Wentz has the Eagles rolling with a league-best 6-1 record through seven games. He ranks among the top five quarterbacks in yards per attempt, touchdown passes and passer rating.

And Philly has a defense, too. The 49ers technically have a football team, that’s about it.

Panthers +1 over BUCCANEERS

I started the year off as a skeptic of the Buccaneers, and now I’m a full on hater. They aren’t good. They’ve lost three in a row and would probably prefer to have eternal sunshine of a spotless mind.

But Cam Newton is coming to town and he’s apparently not in a good mood. We saw what happened the last time Newton had a press conference faux pas.

Texans +5.5 over SEAHAWKS

Seattle has only scored 20 or more points in two games this year, yet they sit at 4-2. They are frauds just waiting to be exploited.

Meanwhile, the Texans rank seventh in overall DVOA and Deshaun Watson is smooookin’. Give me the Texans straight up in this game.

Cowboys -1 over WASHINGTON

Kirk Cousins has apparently told those he’s close with that he’s open to a reunion with now 49ers coach Kyle Shanahan. That makes a lot of sense, because Cousins fit like a glove in Shanahan’s offense.

So while Cousins dreams of nights by the bay, the Cowboys will run over Washington this week, giving Cousins a tough hill to climb back into NFC East contention.

Steelers vs. LIONS

Check back tomorrow for my pick.

CHIEFS -8 over Broncos

You want to hear the most annoying sound in the world? Tune into Monday Night Football and listen to Jon Gruden talk about how Trevor Siemian is actually a good quarterback. He’s not, and because of it, the Broncos are in trouble. Not even the Broncos defense can keep them in this game.

This concludes our broadcast day. Click.