NFL Week 5 picks against the spread: The winless become the winmore

Last week wasn’t kind to me. I posted a paltry record of 7-9 against the spread, as I continue to slide back towards .500. I’m still on the winning side, with an overall record of 31-30, but I’ve now dropped out of the top 20 in the Pride of Detroit pick’em league. Here’s a look at the top of the standings:

Time to rebound and slam this puck home (hockey’s back, y’all).

Thursday

BUCCANEERS +5.5 over Patriots

I am 100 percent sure this one is going to come back to bite me. The moment you lose a little faith in the Patriots is the exact moment that they blow a team out. I’m not a huge fan of the Bucs, but they’re at home and their offense is just ready to break out. The Pats’ defense may just be the cure they need.

Sunday

Bills +2.5 over BENGALS

The Bills are the anti-Patriots. The moment you start believing in them is the moment they fall apart. But even so, I’m not buying this Cincinnati resurgence one bit. You may have taken the Packers to the edge of defeat, but beating the Browns doesn’t prove a single thing to me. If the Bengals score more than 14 against this Bills team, I’d be surprised.

BROWNS (even) over Jets

I don’t really believe in this pick. I just can’t fathom a reality in which the Jets have three wins by Week 5. That can’t possibly happen, right?

Lions vs. Panthers

Come back Friday for my pick.

49ers (even) over COLTS

That’s right, I’m predicting two 0-4 teams to get off the schneid this week. In the past three weeks, San Francisco has lost to the Seahawks, Rams and Cardinals by a combined eight points.

Hey, but don’t feel too bad when you lose to a winless team, Colts. Andrew Luck is throwing again. Check out this velocity!

Titans -1 vs. DOLPHINS

People are rightfully down on the Titans after getting crushed by Deshaun Watson last week, but Jay Cutler is beyond caring about football right now.

The best part about this play is that Cutler doubled down on his blaze attitude when asked about it after the game. “Sit there, don’t get hit, don’t touch anybody, don’t move,” Cutler told the media. “I feel like I executed that one.”

Never retire, Jay.

Chargers +3.5 over GIANTS

Another winless team will emerge victorious this week, and I think Los Angeles will finally get on the board. Some will pick the home team in a brutal matchup like this, but what team is more prepared to play on the road than the Chargers. Just look at their “home” game last week.

Chargers: Road Warriors.

Cardinals +7 over EAGLES

I’ll be completely honest, I haven’t been able to catch a single Eagles game this year, but people tell me that 3-1 is a pretty good record. The Cardinals, on the other hand, are 2-2 and needed overtime to down the 49ers last week.

But the NFC East is wacky and I think the Eagles are due for a letdown game. They haven’t exactly been blowing out their opponents this year, so a 7-point spread seems unusually high. I think the Cardinals may win this out outright.

STEELERS - 10 over Jaguars

This pick is completely out of spite. I stupidly picked the Jaguars as my Survivor pick last week and I still haven’t forgiven them for breaking my trust. It’s really my own fault for buying into a very mediocre Jaguars team, but that’s the point here. They’re extremely mediocre, while the Steelers are being vastly underrated because of a fluky loss to the Bears.

Ravens +2.5 over RAIDERS

You don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone, Raiders. EJ Manuel is going to make you miss Matt McGLOIN, hoyven glaven.

RAMS (even) over Seahawks

Forget everything you knew about football. The Seahawks are bad and the Rams are good. Up is down. The Lions took the defense away from the Patriots. Now why don’t the Packers suck? Come on, NFL. No half measures. This is the bizarro season. Finish the job.

This feels like a trap game. The moon will come out and Jared Goff will transform back into a Weregoober. But for now, I’m riding the Rams train until they eventually disappoint me and I overreact by picking against them for the following five weeks.

Packers +1 over COWBOYS

Everyone probably thinks I’m all over the Packers since I slotted them as the No. 2 team in the NFC earlier in the week. But take this pick more as disbelief in the Cowboys. They just aren’t that good right now, and Dak Prescott has yet to prove to me that he can play well when trailing.

Sunday Night Football

Chiefs (even) vs. TEXANS

This non-line makes no sense to me. The Chiefs are the best team in the NFL and as impressive as Watson was last week, the Texans are still a ways away from being a true contender. Easy money (which ensures this will be wrong).

Monday Night Football

Vikings -3 vs. BEARS

What a cruel cruel coaching staff in Chicago to make Mitch Trubisky have his first career NFL start on “Monday Night Football” against a swarming Minnesota defense. I think Trubisky is going to be a good quarterback in the NFL, but this was not the week to build confidence in the young passer.