Detroit Lions Fan Fiction is a series in which we take a Lions loss and instead of facing it like a braver person might, we turn to a false reality where the Lions won the game. It’s a cowardly act, no doubt, but this post is an effort to create levity and humor when defeat strikes. The hope is that this is therapeutic for at least one fan out there.
This week’s fan fiction is a long time coming. It’s time to fulfill your greatest fantasies, Lions fans.
Detroit, MI—It was another dominant performance from the Detroit Lions defensive line on Sunday, as Detroit moved to a 4-1 record after a 27-3 dismantling of the Carolina Panthers. Cam Newton was sacked a total of 10 times on Sunday. Detroit’s pass rush was led by former first-round pick Aaron Donald, who tallied six sacks on the game to add to his league-leading total of 15.0 sacks through five games.
“This has always just been a perfect fit here in Detroit,” Donald said after the game. “I can’t imagine ever playing somewhere else.”
Donald’s most iconic moment from Sunday’s game came after a fourth-down sack. After shooting through the offensive line nearly untouched, Donald brought down Newton, then did the “Single Ladies” dance over Newton’s body.
“After that hit, I couldn’t tell you what a corner route was,” Newton said.
Donald was immediately signed to a six-year extension after the game, worth just $10 million a year, far less than he’s worth.
“I just wanted to give a bit of a hometown discount to the team that showed so much faith in me from the beginning of the draft process,” Donald said. “They told me they never even considered anyone else at 10th overall.”
General manager Martin Mayhew echoed those statements in his postgame press conference. “You’d have to be completely blind to not pick Aaron Donald there,” Mayhew said. “I wasn’t going to drop the ball when we were on the clock.”
Donald wasn’t the only standout performer on the defensive line. Ezekiel Ansah added three sacks of his own, in his 69th straight game. “I value my health more than anything else,” Ansah said. “I’ve never felt better. In fact, I feel invincible.”
On the offensive side of the ball, Matthew Stafford continued his MVP-like run. He finished Sunday’s game 27-31 for 353 yards, 3 TDs and no interceptions. All of his completions were to wide receivers, as offensive coordinator Jim Bob Cooter seems to have completely eliminated the tight end position from the roster.
“You know, I’ve found—in my three months in the NFL—that tight ends aren’t usually worth the trouble,” Cooter said. “So I dropped them completely off the roster.”
Stafford was also aided by one of the league’s best running games. Going back to last season, Ameer Abdullah has now eclipsed 100 rushing yards in 15 straight games. Against the Panthers, Abdullah racked up 210 rushing yards, just the fifth time a Lions back has ever hit the 200-yard mark.*
The Lions are now in sole possession of first place in the NFC North at 4-1. They’re comfortable four games ahead of the 0-5 Green Bay Packers, who are searching for answers after Blake Bortles threw five interceptions against the Cowboys. They have never fully recovered since Aaron Rodgers gave up football to pursue his real dream: Selling overpriced car insurance.
*This is actually true. A Lions running back has only rushed for 200 yards four times in team history. All four times were Barry Sanders.