Well, well, well. What have we here. It appears my picks against the spread aren’t completely worthless after all.
Last week, despite criticism in the comment section, my picks were SMOCKIN’. I went a phenomenal 12-1 against the spread in Week 8, catapulting my overall record to... well, just 59-56. I’m still outside Pride of Detroit’s top 10, but not by much. Check it out.
Since last week, I themed all of my picks in connection to comedic actor Jim Carrey, I must follow suit with another comic this week... or to put differently I wanted to use some more Funny People. I’m riding a huge wave after last week’s performance, so here Week 9 picks from THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE.
Bills (-3) over JETS
The Buffalo Bills are 5-2. Sorry, I just wanted to type that out and see what it looks like, because it still doesn’t feel real. It feels like I’m in Lunchlady Land or something. But this Bills team deserves some real credit, and while the Jets, too, are better than expected, expect Buffalo to pick up their mind-blowing sixth win this week.
Ravens (even) over TITANS
Baltimore is probably just hoping to get through a game without their quarterback taking a cheap shot or getting chokeslammed (that’s assault, brotha) . I’m not really a huge fan of the Ravens, but it’s hard to deny how good they can look at times. Will this be one of those times? Who knows?
Buccaneers (+7.5) over SAINTS
While I’ve been anti-Bucs all year, they’re one of those teams that always seems to really compete against division foes. I highly doubt they pick up this road victory, and the Saints’ high-scoring offense tends to make these lines tricky, but I believe that Tampa’s defense keeps them just close enough to beat the spread.
I just pray that this line doesn’t come down to whoever is Tampa Bay’s lonesome kicker this week.
Rams (-3) over GIANTS
Giants cornerback Janoris Jenkins has been suspended indefinitely, to go along with former suspended defensive back Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie. There appears to be an Anger Management issue in the Giants’ secondary.
Either way, the Rams offense is rolling and although New York will slow them down, the Giants offer no counterpunch.
EAGLES (-9) over Broncos
It’s never a good sign when you’re making a quarterback switch in Week 9 of the NFL. It’s an even worse sign when you’re switching to Brock Osweiler. If starting Brock Osweiler is cool, consider the 2016 Houston Texans Myles Davis.
Falcons (even) over PANTHERS
The Panthers shockingly traded Kelvin Benjamin at the trade deadline and all they got in return was a third and seventh-round pick. WHOOPITY-DOO! It’s a move that 80 percent of Panthers fan hate, so good luck facing that home crowd on Sunday, Panthers.
JAGUARS (-4) over Bengals
Calais Campbell is second in the league with 10.0 sacks through seven games. That must have Jaguars general manager thinking to himself, “Man, I’m glad I called that guy.” If you have a moment, please keep Andy Dalton in your thoughts this weekend.
TEXANS (-14) over Colts
DeShaun Watson may be the best young quarterback since Joe Montainia. For years, we’ve talked about how Houston would be dangerous if they ever found themselves a quarterback they could be dangerous. They may only be 3-4 right now, but this is a team that could make some noise down the stretch.
Cardinals (-1) over 49ERS
Arizona will be starting Drewlia Gulia Stanton on Sunday, but it won’t matter against a hopeless 49ers team. By the way, San Francisco, congrats on being the latest victim of a Patriots trade. Boy, that strategy sure seemed to work out for the Chiefs and Matt Cassell.
Washington (+8) over SEAHAWKS
I keep clinging to the idea that Washington is better than their record says and Seattle is worse. The Seahawks made a big move trading for a franchise left tackle this week, which shows they’re serious about contending for a Super Bowl this year, but I just don’t think they’re ready. I like you, Russell Wilson, but your miracle water sucks!
Chiefs (even) over COWBOYS
With such a close matchup, you may think I’d just go with the home team here, but Dallas is just 1-2 at AT&T Stadium this year. ARE YOU TOO GOOD FOR YOUR HOME, COWBOYS?
In all honesty, I think Kansas City is the better team here anyways, regardless of whether or not Ezekiel Elliott is suspended in this very moment.
DOLPHINS (+3) over Raiders
This is the day I finally give up my preseason prediction of the Raiders reaching the Super Bowl. I’m stupid, you’re smart. I was wrong, you were right. You’re the best, I’m the worst. Anyways, Miami picks up a home win and Oakland’s season effectively ends.