NFL Week 13 picks against the spread: Superstitions are for the weak

So many emotions to start...

First of all, why haven’t I ever been called upon to participate in these picks against the spread? This is literally what I live for each and every week. When the odds hit the net, it’s like Christmas morning all over again. Jeremy thinks I have a problem, but I think it’s only a problem if you’re losing.

One day, I’ll make my pilgrimage to the holy land—Sin City to some, but also the future home of the Raiders, and the realization of all my hopes, dreams, and endeavors in bright lights and high-definition televisions.

No time to waste, let’s get to the picks.

COWBOYS -2.5 over Washington

As much as I’m rooting for Dak Prescott to not fall victim to the narrative, he is a-struggling without Ezekiel Elliott. Dallas’ offensive line hasn’t been healthy either, Zack Martin and Tyron Smith have both dealt with injuries, and all of this has sort of exposed Prescott as being a product of a system in more than a few peoples’ eyes.

It’s never that simple, but here’s what is: Washington looked absolutely anemic on offense without their dynamic halfback Chris Thompson. Dallas rebounds at home to salvage their season for the time being.

LIONS +3 over Ravens

The line has moved ever so slightly to 2.5 in some spots suggesting the money has been coming in on Detroit, and that makes sense. The Lions have everything to play for in their final five games of the season, and for all we know, the Ravens could finish 8-8 and secure a Wild Card spot in a disastrous American Football Conference.

Also, the Lions sport a 4-1 record this season on the road while Baltimore, like Detroit, hasn’t held serve so great at home (3-2). Conditions for Sunday are perfect—a weather forecast that calls for 57 degrees and sun. GIMME THE LEO’S AND THE POINTS.

TEXANS +7 over Titans

In what I’m sure will be a super exciting game (it won’t be), I’m pretty confident Houston will cover (I’m not) because the Texans are 7-4 against the spread this season (it’s true) and the Titans are 4-6-1 (also true).

PACKERS over Buccaneers

A true pick’em special is going down at Lambeau Field. Reports of Jameis Winston returning say he’s healthier than he was at any other point during the season, but I’m not siding with a quarterback who swallows his own fingers.

Brett Hundley seems to finally be hitting his stride in Green Bay, and it’s about that time of the year for the Packers to start taking care of business and tidying up their record for the return of Aaron Rodgers to unleash hell from his surgically-repaired self.

DOLPHINS over Broncos

Another pick’em?! What did I ever do to deserve these type of good graces? Speaking of good graces, who is Denver’s quarterback? Does it matter? Is Jay Cutler healthy? Do I have to convince you to not hitch your wagon to Trevor “Benched for Brock Osweiler” Siemian?

PATRIOTS -8.5 over Bills

Normally, I don’t take the favored in a divisional game if the spread is larger than a touchdown. Normally, most teams aren’t coached by Bill Belichick, so that explains why I’m going with New England.

#FREETYROD

FALCONS -2.5 over Vikings

Atlanta is getting their two-headed backfield back with Devonta Freeman’s head getting cleared in concussion protocol. The Lions need the Falcons to lose, so naturally, the Falcons should cover with ease.

49ERS +4.5 over Bears

It’s Jimmy Garoppolo’s first start with the San Francisco 49ers, and after last week’s incredible performance from the Chicago-native where he had a QB rating of 143.7, how could you go against such a “handsome lad with an unbelievable future”?

WE INTERRUPT THESE PICKS WITH THIS ANNOUNCEMENT.

I’m sorry to say that the banks have foreclosed on Ryan Mathews’ computer and he is no longer able to make the final few picks this week. This is Jeremy, again, telling you not to gamble, kids. But if you do, make these following picks.

CHIEFS -4.5 over Jets

The Chiefs may be in freefall, but they are somehow still clinging to first place in the AFC West. I like how the Jets have remained competitive in just about every single game this year, but this is the week the Chiefs finally get it together. If Ryan was still writing here, he’d mention something about Patrick Mahomes, but it’s not happening. Oh god, he’s watching me write this right now. Go away.

It’s my picks against yours, Reisman! May the best bettor win!

Colts +10.5 over JAGUARS

Last week, I nearly pulled of a great upset pick of the Colts over the Titans. Sadly, the Colts blew a 10-point lead in that game. I remain steadfast that this team is more competitive than most people think and Jacoby Brissett isn’t all that bad. In fact, he may be the better quarterback on the field on Sunday. As long as the Colts don’t turn it over 2+ times, they’ll keep this one close.

Browns +14 over CHARGERS

My brain is having a hard time accepting that the Chargers are still in the playoff race at 5-6. All I can think about is how those jerks allowed the Browns to win their only game last season.

I’m not saying it’s going to happen again this week, but the Browns can hang with teams, and I don’t see anything special in this Chargers team to warrant a two-touchdown spread.

SAINTS -4 over Panthers

New Orleans looked exposed against an impressive Rams team last week, but they were also without standout rookie cornerback Marshon Lattimore. This week, it looks like he’ll be back and I think we’ll see the same Saints team that has been dominating their opponents. I expect at least two Cam Newton picks and three “group photo” celebrations from the Saints.

Rams -7 over CARDINALS

The Cardinals are one of those teams that I have to google every week to see who is playing at quarterback. It’s apparently Blaine Gabbert this week after completing a whopping 58 percent of his passes last week. The Rams defense is going to eat him alive. Give me LA by three touchdowns.

RAIDERS -9 over Giants

Ben McAdoo is going scorched earth and benching Eli Manning for the first time in Manning’s career. Eli’s streak of 210 straight starts will come to an end, but my streak of laughing at the Giants will reach 12 straight games.

Eagles -5.5 over SEAHAWKS

This Seahawks run has to come to an end. Their defense is depleted. Their offensive line is a mess. The Eagles are built to capitalize on both of those things. Pete Carroll can’t drag this lifeless team to another playoff berth in the final month of the season, can he? (Don’t answer that.)

BENGALS +5 over Steelers

The Steelers have been playing with fire all year. They’ve beaten the Lions, Colts, Browns and an Aaron Rodgers-less Packers team by a combined 14 points. This is the week it finally catches up with them. The Bengals are desperate for a win, and it’s never easy to win on the road in the division.