No longer capable of trying to work its inferiority complex against coastal cities like New York and Washington, the city of Boston has downgraded its expectations to measuring up against Midwestern dumps. Today it may be Detroit, but tomorrow I’m sure they’ll be bragging about their Super Bowl rings to Youngstown or Cheyenne.
The Boston Globe is the offender today, with the following from its Saturday crossword section:
No no no no no, Boston. No no no. I am not afraid of being baboon-ass red mad, and this has ruined a perfectly good Saturday.
Boston has gotten too big for itself. You are not impressing anyone. Just because y’all been winning Super Bowls and World Series doesn’t mean you’ve become culturally relevant or even someplace we have to tolerate. No one likes Boston. Your recent contributions to the arts are limited to clam chowder, Marky Mark and duckboats. You are not impressing anybody. It is only because of Tom Brady and Tito Francona that a segment of the population started treating you as anything more than New England’s colonial Williamsburg.
Where the hell is Boston’s rap game?
The Lions absolutely deserve jokes, plenty of them stemming for sixty years of hijinks and disasters, but you don’t get to make them. You don’t get a seat at this party. I’ll happily let the fools in Chicago talk this crap well before you get in here. New York is welcome, you are not.
Your representative to this trash talk is a crossword puzzle nerd. That’s the lowest form of nerd! 4chan anime nazis feel better about themselves than the grayed prunes that write crosswords. Their work is trivial and extraneous and they’re the last people on Earth who should be trying to talk any trash.
You know what? You should be lucky you’ve never had your beloved Patriots meet the Lions in the Super Bowl. We’d beat you. Thrash the living hell out of you. Woodchipper. We’d beat you in the party, the lead-up trash talk, the game, the after-party, the parade and for all time thereafter. Do you think Dan Shaughnessy will save your pasty little asses? The man can’t open his mouth without taking a crap. He’d be on the toilet while we’d be pulling down your cargo shorts.
You’re done. Just one shot is all Detroit would need to rip everything away from your sports legacy. It would be a shame, Boston, a real shame if you had to go back to selling Henry Adams wigs and audio-guided tours of the Charles River featuring Mitt Romney.
“Patriots Day” was the worst movie I’ve ever seen.