After a week off, the Detroit Lions Name Bracket is back and ready to whittle this field down to 16. Voting is still open for the other half of Round 2, so if you haven’t submitted your ballot, get in there now. As of the moment I’m writing this, Ego Ferguson and Jeremiah Ledbetter are EXACTLY TIED with 346 votes each. Someone start stuffing ballots already.
Anyways, let’s get to the last half of the field.
1 Miles Killebrew vs. 9 Cole Wick
They say in sports you should never look ahead of the game in front of you, but I can’t help it. I am just waiting for the eventual Miles Killebrew-Jace Billingsley showdown. I would be so thrilled with that matchup, that I may run the poll for an entire month. Miles definitely deserves a shot a revenge after last year, and I think he just may get it.
Cole Wick may be a trap game for any other competitor in this tournament. He already has a mild upset over Kasey Redfern, and for good reason. Cole Wick packs a lot in a little. Outside of Storm, there may not be a tougher-sounding name than Cole in this tournament, and Wick suggests impending doom, like a MacGruber sketch. Unfortunately, it looks like Wick will meet the same fate as MacGruber.
5 Jared Abbrederis vs. 4 Johnson Bademosi
Last time I spoke mostly about Jared Abbrederis’ excellent Twitter handle of @abbrecadabra, but since then I found out something even more awesome about his last name: It fits perfectly in Falco’s “Rock Me Amadeus.”
ahh-bbrederis, abbrederis, abbrederis
ahh-bbrederis, abbrederis, abbrederis
oh, oh, oh abbrederis
come on catch it, abbrederis
This is already becoming one of the most heartbreaking rounds of the Name Bracket tournament, because I think Johnson Bademosi is one of the most underrated names in this field. Although the name Johnson took quite a big hit this week, Bademosi is a hell of a last name.
11 Jalen Reeves-Maybin vs. 3 Cyrus Kouandjio
As I predicted, Jalen Reeves-Maybin pulled the biggest upset of the first round, unseating six-seed Laken Tomlinson. While I don’t agree with your decision, I respect it. You are all hypnotized by a simply hyphen, something that is becoming more and more the norm in American culture. I have no problem with that, it just is no longer that interesting to me. None of JRM’s names are particularly interesting, and I don’t think they work together well either.
This should be one of the biggest second-round blowouts, because Cyrus Kouandjio is just a fantastic name. Cyrus was born in Cameroon (great consonant-to-vowel ratio in that country), meaning his name is quite rare in the United States. In fact, according to forebears.io, there are approximately six people in the entire country with that last name. And it couldn’t be more fun to say.
10 Kenny Golladay vs. 2 Storm Norton
Golladay made a good rookie run in this tournament, upsetting Cornelius Lucas handily 73 percent to 27. And while I love a surname that makes me think “Gee, gosh, Golly-day” everytime I say it, he’s way overmatched in this contest.
Storm Norton is taking this tournament by... a mixture of rain, thunder and lightning. I still can’t get over how perfectly the “or” sound works together in both the first and last names. I can comfortably say the entire name with puckered lips. That’s definitely a positive.
1 Ezekiel Ansah vs. 9 Glover Quin
This is the battle between two good names that have been worn down by Name Fatigue. At this point in his career, no one wants to hear your lame Ansah/answer pun. And what used to be a unique trait for Glover—spelling Quin with just one N—has since become a nuisance for writers because of general manager Bob Quinn.
I love these guys individually and they have fine names, but it’s time for both of them to retire. If I could double eliminate these two names, I would.
5 Bruce Gaston vs. 4 Jeremiah Valoaga
I know I spent last round talking about Gaston from “Beauty and the Beast,” but I’m going to do it again now. I actually just saw the newest version of the movie, as interrupted by Doug Benson, and I still can’t get the Gaston song out of my head. So here we go:
Nooooooo ooooooone, sacks likes Gaston
Gives a thwack like Gaston
No one hunts down a speedy tailback like Gaston
Jeremiah Valoaga is a mouthful, but one has to wonder if part of the allure of his name is stolen my Jeremiah Ledbetter. In fact, if I had to choose between Valoaga and Ledbetter, I’m not sure who I would pick. Perhaps that should have been a play-in game so they wouldn’t have had to split the vote in the middle of the tournament. Three years in, and I’m still working out the kinks of this thing.
6 Haloti Ngata vs. 3 Tahir Whitehead
Much like the Ansah-Quin matchup, Ngata-Whitehead feels like a tired face-off. What more can I say about these two names? Ngata thing.
Still, if I had to choose here (and I do), I’d probably go with Tahir Whitehead. Tahir is such a unique, tough name and when paired with the puberty-related Whitehead it creates such an off-balanced but hilarious combination.
7 Graham Glasgow vs. 2 Zach Zenner
ALLITERATION OFF!!! It’s on.
Graham Glasgow tries to serve Zenner a fresh, hot meal of the triple G sound, giving a throwback to the Dave Chappelle G-Unit sketch. But Zenner doesn’t back down with the rare double Z combo.
There is no better way to end the second round than a good ole Alliteration Off. I just hope that no one gets hurt by a flying shoe in the crossfire.