Lions Diary: A total eclipse of the sun and stuff

Dear diary,

What a week it’s been. After laying in the grass in the park while wearing 3D glasses that had been spray painted black, I saw no eclipse. What I did see was a giant fingernail in the sky that wound up being a lot cooler in Tennessee than it was in Michigan.

But I did spend plenty of time at the park trying to link this Total Eclipse to the Detroit Lions in someway. While I jammed Bonnie Tyler’s infamous classic that The Dan band only made better, I found that the Lions had a player named Whizzer at one point in time. This Whizzer would also go on to be an Associate justice of the Supreme Court.

If I have a son, I’m gonna name him Whizzer. A name like that can only lead to success.

I also found that the Lions player born closest to the last total eclipse, which happened in June of 1918, is Cotton Price. Cotton was a running back, defensive back and quarterback for the Lions. He was essentially the Jabrill Peppers of his time. I also found out that I have entirely too much time on my hands.

Tuesday

I realized on Tuesday that this song is actually pretty good, and that Jonathan Taylor Thomas probably had something to do with ruining it.

I also learned that a website called We Are Fanatics calculated that Lions fans were voted the second most dateable fanbase in the NFL. My 15-year-old self wonders what the hell happened in high school then? It was probably the full on Tommy Hilfiger outfit I wore a lot. Or maybe it’s because I tried really hard to grow a mustache and only half succeeded.

Wednesday

On Wednesday, I got really jealous of the Lions beat writers. They got to go and check all of Ford Fields new food offerings. There were fries that were apparently made of crack cocaine, craft beers as far as the eye can see, tacos, wings and a drink named after Don Muhlbach.

As I sat on the couch with my sandwich made with Ezekiel bread (which Ezekiel Ansah has nothing to do with), my fiber bar from Aldi and my glass of water, I wondered when exactly I became the The Count of Monte Cristo. The Count that was in prison, not the one with the mansion. I‘m gonna go watch that now. It’s ok, I got my free press box food later in the week.

The Lions were also awarded defensive tackle Caushaud Lyons on Wednesday. A move that I’m sure sparked a plethora of text messages from his friends and family about being a guy with the last name of Lyons, who now plays for the Lions. If you want my opinion, I think if this doesn’t work out, there’s a PR job waiting for this guy in Detroit.

‘I’d be Lyon if I said I didn’t love the Lions.”

-Caushaud Lyons

Thursday

On Thursday I participated in the greatest Twitter thread of all time. This thread somehow united the entire NFC North for at at least an hour. Even though we knew we were only one “yo mama” joke away from ruining the whole thing, it still worked out.

Also, Matthew Stafford watched TV. It was great.

First off, I’m really proud that we here at Pride of Detroit take our filming of cell phones as seriously as we do. Second of all, the guy has a right to feel snubbed. Here’s a guy that took off his lobster shirt and turned his hat around and consistently improves his game, yet ESPN insists that Adrian Peterson (who ran for 72 yards in 2016) and Andrew Luck (who was statistically worse in 2016, and is statistically worse in nearly every category in his career) are better than Stafford. Such is life, I guess.

Friday

Anyways. Thank god it’s Friday. It’s a good day for a dress rehearsal.