I don’t care how the Tennessee Titans do it. I don’t care if they run the football. I don’t care if they pass the football. I don’t care if they pass the football to themselves. Just end this sense overwhelming sense of dread and misery that’s known as a “head coaching search.”
At first it was liberating. There were so many options for the Lions to choose from and their search knew no bounds. College coaches, coordinators, ex-head coaches, all of them were available to become the next head coach of the Detroit Lions.
But it’s been almost two weeks, and this is officially the worst.
The one piece of advice I give my students around the time of any high school dance is to go without a date. I mean, what’s the point? Go with your group of friends, feel free to dance when you want to dance—and more importantly—who you want to dance with during a guilt-free night of awkward teenage... emotions.
The approach to a head coaching search in the NFL is nothing like my beliefs for students attending a high school dance.
But say it was. Of the group the Lions pulled up to the dance with, they’ve seen the Chicago Bears link up with Matt Nagy, which... whatever. We knew the Bears would pick the first date that looked at them with googly eyes. But of the teams remaining, the Arizona Cardinals might swoop in and scoop up the one who knows how to make the most out of a bad situation in Pat Shurmur. The uber-popular New York Giants are the talk of the dance and not only are they hitting on the one candidate the Lions have had their eye on from the beginning of the night in Matt Patricia, but they have another date who goes to another school who could show up. And the Indianapolis Colts? They’re still too awkward to make a move on anything other than their boogers in the corner.
I get it. There’s levels to this, and an inherent hierarchy that comes with prestige and whatnot, but the Tennessee Titans have the power to take down the almighty New England Patriots and save the Lions from sitting and waiting. The classic “will they, won’t they?” arc is getting old, so please, Titans, for the guys stuck without a dance partner, do the Lions a solid and be a wingman, would ya?
Let’s get to the picks.
STEELERS -7 over Jaguars
Some underrated powers at work here for the Pittsburgh Steelers, but don’t overlook how galvanizing it can be for a team to play for a teammate who has gone through as much as Ryan Shazier has over the course of the past month.
Antonio Brown is questionable, but he’s expected to play, and if there was ever a reason needed to tune into this one, it’s a simple as Jalen Ramsey versus Antonio Brown.
Also, Blake Bortles, he’s actually really bad at football and that performance he had last week against the Buffalo Bills isn’t going to come close to cutting it on the road against the Steelers. It’s up to Jacksonville’s defense to score points and cover, and I don’t think Pittsburgh is going to allow that.
EAGLES +3 over Falcons
Who knows what the Eagles are going to get out of Nick Foles, especially with the way the season ended, but I like the No. 1 seed playing underdog on their own field. If it wasn’t for the Rams Pharoah Pooping themselves last week, the Falcons wouldn’t even be in this position.
SAINTS +5 over Vikings
If there was anything I was absolutely sure of coming into this week of NFL playoff football, it was that the New Orleans Saints are going to go into Minnesota and beat the Vikings. And not just against the spread, but the Saints will be marching on to Philadelphia for the NFC Championship Game.
To be totally honest, I’m not that sure about this game. The Vikings defense is really good, but I can’t wait to see Kai Forbath screw this up for Minnesota.
PATRIOTS -13.5 over Titans
Look, Lions fans can hope all they want for their head coaching search to speed itself along, but you didn’t think I would pick against a team that had a “damning” exposé released by the Worldwide Leader a week before a playoff game in Foxborough, did you?