Best 2018 Super Bowl snack: Buffalo Chicken pastry bites

It’s Super Bowl week, which means it’s time to pull out the recipe book and try to find out where you left that crockpot.

I’m not much of a cook myself, but the Super Bowl is an opportunity to convince all of my friends that I’ve got my shit together, culinarily speaking. They don’t have to know that I once called peanut butter and jelly on a tortilla “dinner”... while in my late 20s.

So this year, I’ll be challenging myself to make something new and delicious, but most importantly, I want it to look impressive. I want people to comment on how creative I am and beg me for the recipe. I want the attention I so desperately seek every day.

That means we’re not doing anything traditional. No wings. No dips. No homemade pizzas or baked goods. Let’s go with something I’ve never eaten before, but I’m 100 percent certain is delicious.

Buffalo Chicken Pastry Bites/Donut Thing

Buffalo chicken is god’s gift to this Earth. Making this dish will not only make you the king or queen of the party, but it will also help weed out some of the people you should not ever associate with. There are some people in this world that don’t like the buffalo chicken flavor. Those people are not your friends. Kindly tell those people to live their bland lives outside of a 30 miles radius from you.

There are a ton of recipes out there, and this one looks the most legit (and delicious). However, it has directions on making your own dough, and I’m still a college kid at heart. I have never owned yeast, and it would probably take me 30 minutes to find it at a grocery store.

If you’ve got the skills to make your own puff pastry, use that culinary degree and have at it. Meanwhile, I’m on the search for a beginner’s recipe. BRING ON THE PILLSBURY CRESCENT ROLLS.

Oh, hell yeah. Look at that thing. You made food in the shape of a ring. You made a buffalo chicken donut. If that doesn’t make you the most popular person at the party, leave the party and eat that thing on your own.

Here’s what you’ll need.

• 2 tubes of crescent rolls
• ¹⁄₂ cup of hot/buffalo sauce (I’m not a hot sauce snob, use whatever brand you’re loyal to. I’m perfectly fine with the house Kroger brand)
• ¹⁄₂ cup ranch
• 2 ¹⁄₂ cups cooked, shredded chicken (don’t use uncooked chicken, you’ll die)
• 4 oz (aka half of a brick) of cream cheese
• ¹⁄₂ cup shredded cheese (your choice of cheese)
• ¹⁄₃ cup crumbled blue cheese (some recipes don’t have blue cheese. They are false recipes. Blue cheese is essential for all buffalo chicken recipes.)
• OPTIONAL: ¹⁄₂ cup chopped celery for crunch and delusions of “healthy snack”

Directions

• Mix everything that isn’t the crescent rolls and blue cheese together in a bowl until properly slopped together.
• Organize the crescent rolls in the fancy way the YouTube video shows on a baking sheet.
• Place chicken slop on the inner ring of the fancy sun-dough you made. Top with the blue cheese crumbles.
• Pull the pointy ends of the dough over the chicken slop and tuck it under the inner ring of the dough.
• Bake that buffalo chicken donut for a good 20-25 minutes at 375 degrees. Or if you have a crappy oven like mine, throw it in the oven and don’t take your eyes off it for even a single second. If you do, it’ll be burnt and your fire alarm will be going off.

I’ve never made this before, so I apologize if it ends up crappy. It was probably your fault, anyways.