Hello hi what’s up Kellie Rowe here stepping in for Mike Payton with What Just Happened for the Detroit Lions game against the Green Bay Packers. And although he wouldn’t let me put an expletive in the title of this one right after “What the” because apparently this is a dictatorship, I’m happy to be here.

Welcome to Ford Field aka Bizarro World where pretty much everything goes right for the Lions the first time in the history of ever.

This win tested Lions fans’ skepticism

When you were little, did your parents ever treat you so nicely, you knew something bad was coming? First they brought you pizza rolls in bed SCORE, then they got a few decks of Pokemon cards, then Tommy was allowed to sleep over, then BOOM—they sit you down and tell you Scruffy has to “go away to your aunt’s farm.”

THIS IS WHAT THE FIRST HALF FELT LIKE.

The Lions have had close games in the past, but I have never sweat more as that half. I just sat there with a permanent o_O face waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Players making plays. Great passes and great receptions. Defense! Refs making calls in Lions favor. It was great. A little... too great.

I know about 90 percent of Lions fans were quick not to rub it in anyone’s face, knowing there was still plenty of time to blow it. And although an angry Aaron Rodgers made a small comeback, things did not end up going the way we were afraid they would. That feels pretty good.

Kenny Golladay is really good at football

I’m not sure if you know this, but Kenny Golladay is really good at football. A touchdown and four receptions for 98 yards in an array of beautiful catches. He was no doubt a star in this game—what an absolute weapon. Would’ve added another TD right off the bat if not for the Frank Ragnow penalty for illegal use of hands.

During this 60-yard reception, I’ll be more than disappointed if Kenny didn’t release a Nelson “HA-HA” when stiff arming Clinton-Dix in the face. (Tate would’ve. Hehe that guy.)

Can’t wait til that’s a gif. “Me holding off my Sunday scaries,” amirite?

Anywho, Kenny G is becoming as reliable as knowing for a fact that when Sweet Caroline comes on, a pack of drunk guys with pitchers in hand will appear and belt “BUM BUM BUMMMMMM.”

Swing and a miss

The wind in the Ford Field dome was especially testy this Sunday afternoon as Mason Crosby misses not one, not two, not three, but four FG attempts AND an extra point. You guys will love this: After Matt Prater missed one of his field goals, get a load of this Packers fan

ohsweetiebabyno. All in good semi-passive aggressive fun. Crosby’s misses were so perplexing after I believe the third miss, it caused reporters to analyze his shoes. Not his form, but his shoes. “He WAS wearing a neon one. now he’s wearing a black one. Now we’ll have to see which one he returns with.”

I’m not an expert kicker but if he just wore Sketcher Shape Ups like I do, maybe he’d have better luck—I’m just saying.

I was not expecting Joe Montana to be in that commercial.

Anyway, no one will agree with me here because you’re straight savages ,but there was a point I felt bad for this guy because think about your recurring nightmares. I have one where I royally beef it on air (those reporter fail compilations are my nightmares). You’re a dentist? Nightmare about messing up someone’s teeth. A data entry worker? You entered data in the wrong box on your Excel spreadsheet and the whole thing is off!!!!!!! An Excel crashes!!! Your computer combusts!!! You know Crosby has recurring nightmares where he dreams he can’t kick to save his life and wakes up screaming. That game was his nightmare come to life. (You guys owe me a shot for every “He gets paid millions, do your job” comment on this article.)

LeGarrette Blount used for what he was signed for

Detroit’s had issues converting on third and fourth-and-1, so watching them have more success in this area was great. Blount was signed for short-yardage plays. I loved looking at Blount’s stats right after his second touchdown—2 touchdowns, 6 yards. Can’t get much shorter than 1 yard. Also, Golden Tate: Blocker? Tate as lead block facing safety Kentrell Brice while Blount inches it in. Pay the man!!!!!!

Game On, Cancer

And on a serious note because I had to mention this, it appears Lions fans at Ford Field filled out “In honor of” cards with names of loved ones affected by cancer in a #GameOnCancer campaign to raise awareness. I really, really like that. Using sports to do good is awesome 10 out of 10 times.

STOP CHOPPING ONIONS IN HERE, EAMONN.

Alright. Good win y’all. Kellie out!