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NFL Week 13 picks against the spread, totals: Birds on parade

No avian species were harmed in the making of these bets.

NFL: Miami Dolphins at Indianapolis Colts Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

Have you ever had Thanksgiving in a casino?

It’s an experience I’m dying to try. One casino here in California was offering to give you a whole kit that you could take home with you. That’s the future—delivery of the bird not from a grocery store but a den of sin. That’s pure disruption.

After all, if we are bound for a future of crooks and robbers, the kind of unrepentant souls who would rather dim the sun than change their ways, you could at least trust the casinos—even mindful that all the good Sicilians are gone and soulless corporate entities control those too.

It’s a hollow world out here. So when someone tells you gambling on football is a sin, check their own records.

Indianapolis -4 @ Jacksonville

The Jaguars are, in very technical football terms, sorry. They are an incredibly sorry team, and their sorry status will not vanish anytime soon. They finally jettisoned sorry butt Blake Bortles for sorry former USC Failed Pro Quarterback #138, Cody Kessler. Meanwhile the Colts are playing on fire. Like, literally on fire. They can kill someone but they’re also prone to explode at any time too. I’ll take the chaos over the sorry.

(Also hey did you know Eric Ebron is really good right now wow)

Chicago -4 @ New York

This one’s off the books at a lot of Vegas joints until those flints know the status of Mitchell Trubisky. That’s unnecessary. The Giants are not going to harm anyone. Buy in low while you can.

Cincinnati +5 vs. Denver

Listen, I know losing to the Browns is a sorry state of affairs but you can’t just make the Bengals a home dog like that, certainly not against a Broncos team that I just wanna laugh at.

This could be the last year of Andy Dalton, and I want everyone to appreciate what kind of a stretch it was with Cincinnati. Uneventful.

Los Angeles -9 @ Detroit

Pictured above: the Detroit Lions

Kansas City -15 @ Oakland

I mean, yeah, sure, whatever. If you’re into being more sporting you could try this game at under 55.5—which I think is a total high enough it requires two to tango, which won’t happen with the five-left-footed Raiders.

New England vs. Minnesota UNDER 48.5

Not long ago the Vikings were still in contention for the NFC North, and all things seemed sporting in your favorite division of football. Actually wait, that does seem kinda sad. Out of any professional sport, the only allegiance to conferences or divisions I remember was in baseball, and even then no one among my generation considered themselves an American League bravo or a National League patriot—probably because at that point the walls were breaking down on the division between them and more inter-league play was going up. But I never really got the idea of being loyal to watching a division in football. It’s usually just four teams, and it’s not like you’ll be happy if one of these fools win a Super Bowl or have some sort of pride that it’s your division. This isn’t late-aughts SEC fandom here.

Carolina -3.5 @ Tampa Bay

I know the Detroit Lions are bad right now, and historically to boot, but as I like to tell other people, this league is without a shortage of teams in a very sorry state of affair. Once your latest Super Bowl win is more than 10 years old, it’s an eternity anyway. More than that, you can do things that a very sorry-making in this league.

Take for example, giving away free tickets to season ticket holders, in hopes that those suckers bring more suckers to the game.

All the rest

Houston -6 vs. Cleveland
Atlanta vs. Baltimore UNDER 48
Arizona +14 @ Green Bay
Tennessee vs. New York UNDER 40.5
Seattle -10 vs. San Francisco
Buffalo +4 @ Miami
Washington +6.5 @ Philadelphia

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