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NFL Week 15 picks against the spread, totals: Holiday party hangover edition

You had that egg nog, didn’t you? I can smell it.

NFL: Atlanta Falcons at Green Bay Packers Jeff Hanisch-USA TODAY Sports

I hate the cold. It’s depressing, stifling and without merit. I’d much rather prefer to live on the outskirts of the desert, where I only deal in cold at night, when I’m asleep or at least happy. But during the day? No sir. This white powder is awful too.

This time of year only compounds the matter. Awkward holiday parties at the office where you have to pretend like you enjoy the company of these savages. College bowl games not worth spit beyond the money you gamble on them. Flight prices got jacked. And it’s cold.

But I did mention the gambling, didn’t I? Let’s pick some games.

Houston -6.5 @ NY Jets

I don’t know if I’ve ever been so down on a team that’s clearly a contender this year as I am with the Texans. I don’t know what to make of them. They certainly have not followed the trend of the other kickass teams this year, and DeShaun Watson, I was told he was bad, but is he good? I don’t know. I don’t watch this team enough. Maybe I will, but only if everyone knocks off this crap mourning for a dead billionaire. Shove off.

Denver -2.5 vs. Cleveland

This is the weird time of year where the NFL beholds a vacuum left by college football and gleefully snaps it up for themselves, putting a good portion of the slate on Saturday. This is life as the NFL would want it. They see this arrangement of days during a football season as a slowly crumbling order. Once where we had Friday for high school ball, Saturday for college and Sunday-plus-Monday for the pros. Now? It’s a free-for-all. Power 5 conferences squat on Friday and the NFL has devoured Thursday completely. The unsteady truce is slowly falling apart. Just wait.

PIttsburgh +2.5 vs. New England

I don’t think the Steelers are making the playoffs. At this point the shanking by Baltimore is almost ordained. Sometime I wonder what it’s like to watch a team regularly that makes the playoffs with frequency, but then I catch up with my myriad Steelers friends and I realize they’re still bitter and unhappy with this shambolic mess.

Green Bay +5.5 @ Chicago

I don’t know if Aaron Rodgers will rank as one of the most skilled quarterbacks of all time, but I think he will. However, he’s well on his way to taking a title for most disrespected all-timer of all time.

Seattle -3.5 @ San Francisco

Seattle will be back in the playoffs this year, and that means I can enjoy Russell Wilson scrambling for his life among the remains of whatever this team used to be. It’s very fun to watch. Not quite as fun anymore as Patrick Mahomes but it has potential.

Jacksonville vs. Washington UNDER 36

If you watch this game you don’t deserve to ever complain about bad football. This game is going to be worse than whatever is ever played in the AAF or the XFL or what remains of the Arena league. Hell awaits you here. Thank god for sports betting to give us an interest.

All the rest

Baltimore vs. Tampa Bay UNDER 46.5
Los Angeles vs. Philadelphia UNDER 52.5
Dallas +3 @ Indianapolis
Buffalo vs. Detroit OVER 39.5
New Orleans -6 @ Carolina
Minnesota vs. Miami UNDER 44.5
Cincinnati -3 vs. Oakland
NY Giants vs. Tennessee UNDER 43.5

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