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Lions vs. Cardinals: What Just Happened?

A collection of thoughts on the Lions week 14 win

NFL: Detroit Lions at Arizona Cardinals Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

Well that was... fun, I guess? After weeks of really bad football by the Lions, they finally played a team that was playing worse football and collected their fifth win of the season.

You probably think it’s crazy, and it is, but the Lions had a really good weekend. They won and every team they needed to lose, lost. They’re still in the playoff hunt. I can’t believe it either. Can this ragtag group of misfits get it done? Ahh who the hell knows?

As always, I have thoughts on this game. These are those thoughts.

Zach Zenner. RB1

Zenner’s season got off to a bad start, suffering an injury in the preseason finale that ended up getting him placed on IR. So he decided to go out and get jacked like Mac from “It’s Always Sunny” and he wound up getting his job back. This is the exact plan I will enact if Pride Of Detroit ever fires me.

Zenner finally got some playing time this Sunday and he didn’t disappoint. He got on the field and essentially iced the game for the Lions with 54 yards and this touchdown.

I obviously don’t think Zenner is a real RB1 and the Cardinals are one of the worst teams in the league against the run, but Zenner made a case for himself to take that LeGarrette Blount role when he undoubtedly leaves town after this season. That should make some folks happy.

Give it up for Matthew Stafford

Let me just heap a tiny amount of praise on the guy. He really didn’t do anything on Sunday. But he still went out there with a bad back and played the game. That’s the kind of thing a leader does, but sweet baby jesus this guy needs some help out there. It’s like he’s fighting Ivan Drago every week.

Someone call the damn infirmary

We lost a lot of good men out there today, and I mean a lot. Every time you turned around someone was down. Here’s a complete list of everyone that suffered an injury.

  1. Tavon Wilson
  2. Rick Wagner
  3. Da'Shawn Hand
  4. Ezekiel Ansah
  5. Darius Slay (for a second)
  6. TJ Jones
  7. Bruce Ellington
  8. Nick Bellore
  9. Marcus Cooper
  10. Charles Washington
  11. Damon Harrison Sr. (for a second)
  12. Luke Willson

Don’t forget that Kerryon Johnson, Marvin Jones and Devon Kennard are also hurt too. Next week Matthew Stafford will be essentially playing the Bills by himself with a back injury. He’s going to have quite the motley crew surrounding him. It’s going to look something like the 1980s Olympic hockey team out there. Just a bunch of guys from the midwest that you’ve never heard of.

Do you believe in miracles? Probably not.

How about that Slay pick?

I’ll be honest. All year I’ve been talking to the football gods about getting a pick six in a crucial moment this season. They sort of gave me that in the third quarter of Week 14 against a 3-9 team, so I appreciate that.

By the way, what do you think the football gods look like? I’ve never seen them, but I’ve always imagined they looked like Captain Lou Albano in the Super Mario credits. Just a fat plumber from Brooklyn that picks football teams to win. Look at him. That’s who you keep asking for a Lions Super Bowl win.

Who the hell is Tim Brando?

I’ve listened to Joe Buck cat call Aaron Rodgers, I’ve listened to Chris Spielman do the things that he does, and I’ve even listened to Jon Gruden talk about a turkey hole. But I must say that Tim Brando took the cake for the worst announcer I think I’ve ever heard on Sunday.

At least when those other guys talk about bologna, they talk about the right bologna. There were about 14 occasions where Brando called something a catch that wasn't a catch. He was also giving credit to players who weren’t even on the field and he said something like “Lions fans are still juiced.”

I can’t say I could do a better job, because I can’t. Have you seen my periscopes? I look like Garth when Wayne got fired.

But, come on, they have to do a better job than this.

Pro athletes don’t care about your draft wishes

Lastly I’ll end this week’s WJH with this. I know half the fan base wants the Lions to tank, because, for some odd reason, people are programmed to think that an organization gets together to do the following:

  1. Lose on purpose
  2. Risk injury while losing on purpose
  3. Lose on purpose in the last year of their contract
  4. Purposefully cost the team money by losing on purpose
  5. Ruin team morale on purpose
  6. Deal with the media and fans riding them
  7. Etc.

This team is not going to tank. They’re just not, because to them, it makes absolutely no sense. Their job is win football games. That is all they care about. So you guys really need to give up on that foolish dream.