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Lions 2018 schedule: game by game predictions

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Every game, prognosticated and dissected.

Green Bay Packers v Detroit Lions Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

No time to explain, let’s just get right to it. That’s why you lizards are here. You want to KNOW, dammit.

Week 1 - Sept. 10 - vs. Jets - 7:10 p.m. ET (Monday Night Football)

Will the Lions win this game? Sure, whatever. This is what you want to know right? It’s the Jets, if I said no then you’ll probably click out of this post and do something else with your life, like maybe cure cancer. To make sure that never happens, I’m going to say YES.
Predicted opening line: Lions -6. I’m cheating on this one.
What Super Mario enemy does this team remind you of?: The Jets are Bob-ombs, without question. You touch them and they blow up in your face.
Chance Matthew Stafford tears his ACL and renders the rest of this article completely worthless: 13%

Week 2 - Sept. 16 - at 49ers - 4:25 p.m. ET

Will the Lions win this game? Is John Lynch the wunderkind the rest of the league laughed off for being a former knucklehead? Is Jimmy Garoppolo not only good looking but worth a mega-contract after playing just three games? All great things to think about. But the Lions winning on week 2 after taking a win the week prior? NO.
Predicted opening line: 49ers -3
What Super Mario enemy does this team remind you of?: The 49ers are a commendable red shell Koopa Paratroopa.
Chance this game is “disrupted” by a naked Elon Musk streaking across the field, feverishly demanding his Tesla Roadster: 4%

Week 3 - Sept. 23 - vs. Patriots - 8:20 p.m. ET (Sunday Night Football)

Will the Lions win this game? Don’t ask what you know the answer to already. NO.
Predicted opening line: Patriots -7.5
What Super Mario enemy does this team remind you of?: Lord Fawful, who not only is so devious he’s capable of outwitting both the Mario brothers and Bowser, he’s also capable of stealing away Bowser’s own minions for his uses. Also has a funny way of speaking, like most people from Massachusetts.
Chance Bill Belichick completely trounces his former disciple: 99%. Jesus, that’s the whole reason these kind of guys exist. You scrape off a Romeo Crennel or a Eric Mangini from Bill’s backside. But Bill knows their every move. He knows them well, for they are him. They are his flesh. What chance do you have?

Week 4 - Sept. 30 - at Cowboys - 1 p.m. ET

Will the Lions win this game? Whew. I got nothing here. This isn’t a good spot for the Lions and there’s no reason to think you’re getting off the hook so easily. NO.
Predicted opening line: Cowboys -6
What Super Mario enemy does this team remind you of?: The King of Koopas himself, Bowser. Loud, brash, arrogant, breathes fire, and generally foiled in his grandiose plans.
What about now, will Matthew Stafford tear his ACL here?: 4%. Please let this sink in, all this prognostication and word spilling we’re doing is pretty useless if something like this does happen. And it can happen! And it will be awful! But consider this a moment as we rattle on about games in April.

Week 5 - Oct. 7 - vs. Packers - 1 p.m. ET

Will the Lions win this game? I don’t know if this schedule is real, this game isn’t on New Year’s Eve? Unbelievable. YES.
Predicted opening line: Packers -2.5
What Super Mario enemy does this team remind you of?: A GODDAMN PIRAHNA PLANT THAT POPS UP AT THE LAST SECOND TO KNOCK OFF YOUR TANUKI SUIT.
Who is the Packer that Lions fans will hate the most at this point in the season? Oh you’re going to just loathe Muhammad Wilkerson.

Week 6 BYE

What Super Mario enemy does this team remind you of? A bottomless pit.

Week 7 - Oct. 21 - at Dolphins - 1 p.m. ET

Will the Lions win this game? The calendar turns, and once again, the Dolphins stare down into the abyss and accept oblivion. YES.
Predicted opening line: Lions -1.5
What Super Mario enemy does this team remind you of? Paragoomba. Look, you get to fly, cool, but you’re still just a Goomba.
Where’s the best place to get a really good Cubano in Miami? This is a question for you not me, I just wanna know.

Week 8 - Oct. 28 - vs. Seahawks - 1 p.m. ET

Will the Lions win this game? Christ, this is sad to even pick. YES.
Predicted opening line: Lions -4.5.
What Super Mario enemy does this team remind you of? The new-look Seahawks are Cheep-cheeps, annoying but liable to find a nice place to beach themselves and die.
Would you rather have Russell Wilson or Matthew Stafford? Russ. My Twitter handle is at the top of this article.

Week 9 - Nov. 4 - at Vikings - 1 p.m. ET

Will the Lions win this game? Hmmm, a wild card team in the NFC North, you say? No clue what they’ll be but they have a killer defense? NO.
Predicted opening line: Vikings -3.5
What Super Mario enemy does this team remind you of? Lakitus have a penchant for raining down trash and hurt on a bright sunny day, but look generally harmless by appearance. Don’t trust them.
Chance the Lions aren’t playing the season-starting Vikings quarterback: 74%

Week 10 - Nov. 11 - at Bears - 1 p.m. ET

Will the Lions win this game? Hashtag aside this is going to smart. NO.
Predicted opening line: Bears -2.5
What Super Mario enemy does this team remind you of?: Dry Bones never die, but they fall apart really easily. That’s been the relation between these two teams for years now.
Is Chicago deep dish pizza... Yes. Don’t even kid yourself, yes.

Week 11 - Nov. 18 - vs. Panthers - 1 p.m. ET

Will the Lions win this game? It is far too early in this offseason for me to even think about the Panthers and how good they are, but this doesn’t look like a good spot. NO.
Predicted opening line: Lions -3
What Super Mario enemy does this team remind you of?: Bullet Bills are tough, dangerous, travel in straight lines and generally fly off into oblivion.
Is Cam Newton good? Please no, god, don’t ask me. I don’t know. I’m in a corner sobbing, I just don’t know.

Week 12 - Nov. 22 - vs. Bears - 12:30 p.m. ET (Thanksgiving)

Will the Lions win this game? YES.
Predicted opening line: Lions -1.5
Can you guys do another Thanksgiving side dish LISTCAST? Sure, but only if Kyle Yost renounces fruit salad.

Week 13 - Dec. 2 - vs. Rams - 1 p.m. ET

Will the Lions win this game? I wish more teams played the offseason like the Rams. I don’t know if they’ll win a Super Bowl, but along the way they’re going to break a lot of hearts and bodies. Specifically, yours, Detroit. NO.
Predicted opening line: Rams -1.5
What Super Mario enemy does this team remind you of?: Hammer Bro. So much pain.
Chance Mathew Stafford gets his leg stomped by Ndamukong Suh? 130%.

Week 14 - Dec. 9 - at Cardinals - 4:25 p.m. ET

Will the Lions win this game? You know that media and fans love talking about how long it’s been since the Lions won a championship? The Cardinals actually have a longer drought! Ah, touching memories. YES.
Predicted opening line: Lions -6.5
What Super Mario enemy does this team remind you of?: A Shoe Goomba. Oooh look at you, you got a big giant shoe, you think you’re so fancy, don’t you? Ooooh you think your shoe makes you cool. Well it doesn’t.
Chance Larry Fitzgerald retires to start a University of Phoenix D1 football team? 10%.

Week 15 - Dec. 16 - at Bills - 1 p.m. ET

Will the Lions win this game? You know, bless the Cleveland Browns. If they didn’t exist we’d have to pretend like we cared enough about the Buffalo Bills to discuss their systemic dysfunction instead. YES.
Predicted opening line: Lions -9.5
What Super Mario enemy does this team remind you of?: Waluigi. A twisted, broken image of a forgotten soul. Absolutely pathetic.
Chance everyone decides there’s probably something better to do with their Sunday than watch this? 38%

Week 16 - Dec. 23 - vs. Vikings - 1 p.m. ET

Will the Lions win this game? You want me to be hopeful here, right? You want me to predict a series split? That would make sense, right? Both of these teams should be good? I got news for you sad-man. NO.
Predicted opening line: Lions -1.5
Are you really this down on the Lions? I’m shaking my Magic 8 ball, and it says to ask again later.

Week 17 - Dec. 30 - at Packers - 1 p.m. ET

Will the Lions win this game? Absolutely not.
But... No.
What if - No stop, don’t, shhhhh it’ll be okay.

FINAL PREDICTED RECORD: 7-9

FAVORITE SUPER MARIO GAME: Paper Mario & The Thousand Year Door

Serious remarks about this schedule

I know it’s easy to wave off/get mad at a prognostication for a losing record. After all, it’s the Matt Patricia reign, it’s the Bob Quinn dynasty! But take a breath and think for a second about what goes wrong in an NFL season, what breaks, shatters and runs to tatters.

The Lions were tied for second for toughest strength of schedule before we knew the order of the games, and I can’t see anything in the rhythm of the season that makes me hope for optimism. Tie it in with a rookie coach in his first season, and there’s going to be growing pains. Maybe the draft will change things.

Poll

What will the Lions’ record be in 2018?

This poll is closed

  • 0%
    0-16
    (13 votes)
  • 0%
    1-15
    (2 votes)
  • 0%
    2-14
    (4 votes)
  • 0%
    3-13
    (16 votes)
  • 0%
    4-12
    (11 votes)
  • 1%
    5-11
    (33 votes)
  • 4%
    6-10
    (117 votes)
  • 4%
    7-9
    (107 votes)
  • 15%
    8-8
    (391 votes)
  • 21%
    9-7
    (522 votes)
  • 29%
    10-6
    (730 votes)
  • 12%
    11-5
    (311 votes)
  • 3%
    12-4
    (88 votes)
  • 1%
    13-3
    (28 votes)
  • 0%
    14-2
    (13 votes)
  • 0%
    15-1
    (3 votes)
  • 3%
    16-0
    (80 votes)
2469 votes total Vote Now